By the way, I do enjoy hearin from all of you but feel free to use the comments to voice your displeasure with me.

Now if you don't mind I need to keep showing this house.

No, no, no, no! It's not a leak, it's passive watering system... environmentally friendly and all that. Leo DiCaprio has something similar in his place. Very green.

Point of Order

In the interest of clarification I do not agree with national notable blowhards, like Peter King, when they say that the NFL should step in regarding late season tank jobs. On the contrary, teams that position themselves to make the playoffs with a week or two left in the season should do whatever they think is in the best interest of their franchise.

There is no whining if you team doesn't make it in to the playoffs because the Colts play someone named Curtis Painter or the Bungals start JT OSullivan. If your team doesn't make the playoffs it's their fault. Win more.

My point is that if you are interested in winning the Super Bowl keep your foot on the gas, go for the jugular, keep feeding the beast, a stitch in time saves nine.

The facts are the facts, teams that ease off on the throttle lose in the playoffs. Look it up. The Giants had nothing to play for two years ago and put forth such a heroic effort, against a team that many feel was the best of the decade (mostly the aforementioned blowhard and Belicheat Sychophant Peter King), that they proved to themselves that they could win the Super Bowl in a loss.

Go back to the Ninties. Ask the Broncos whether they preferred going hard throughout or resting their starters during those meaningless games.

Mark this down, NO team that mails it in this weekend will win the Super Bowl.

Momentum

When I sat down to write my latest entry this morning I was basking in the warm glow another late season swoon from the gun toting-wrangler wearing-gray beard. This time at the hands of Jay-eff George Cutler and that potent Bears offense. I was planning on killing Brett's selfishness and how it is killing the 3rd seeded Vikings but then I listened to the post game analysis.

These jokers spend more time covering up bad decisions than Bill Clinton's press secretary.  "The Vikings may have lost but Brett Favre is showing that he is in mid-season form and ready for a big playoff push." Really? He didn't score enough for his team to win. I mean that IS still how we determine a winner and a loser, right? The team that scores more wins. Am I right? Anyone, anyone, Bueller. And these rocket scientists were the same core group that said, "The Colts pulled their starters with a 15-10 lead, which will help to position the team for a deep run in the playoffs." Oh, I see. What they are trying to tell us is losing late in the season is a necessary step in a championship season. Right, got it....WRONG!

"You play to win the game."

Football is the most precise team sport in the world, sorry curling fans. Dialing it in does not better prepare your team for the playoffs and neither do late season losses that cost you first round byes.

I was critical when Belicheat waved the white flag by pulling Tom Bundchen and the Boys with over five minutes to go (here) earlier this season and I fully supported Mike Tomlin's decision to play Big Ben in the meaningless regular season final last season where he received, you guessed it, another concussion. Football is a game that forces you to go all out all the time because the teams that win the Super Bowl are ALWAYS the teams that are completely in-sync.

Momentum is one of the most over used words in sports. There is an ebb and flow to all sports that centers on confidence and precision. In hockey "momentum" comes in the form of a short quirky goal tender that can do splits while wearing 40-lbs. of equipment. The old saying in baseball is that momentum is only as good as tomorrows starting pitcher. And Basketball is basically a 40-minute phone-it-in-a-thon leading up to the final eight minute kick start where the ebb and flow of the game is entirely predicated on the referee's standing with his bookie (here).

Football is different. In no other sport do you have to rely on eleven individuals to work in unison, in three-phases, for 60 minutes. Any one of those phases falters and it can cost you a championship.

The only time that the Indy Colts have won the Super Bowl they had to play their way into the playoffs and into the Wild Card round. Every time they have had a bye they have lost. Oh, and please don't tell me that the Colts won Super Bowl V, I know they did but that was the Baltimore Colts they did so with a rookie idiot kicker and two guys from the Cowboys were named MVP, they were an entirely different team.

Peyton is all about timing and you don't help your timing by holding a clipboard.

In fact this decade has only seen one #1 seeded team win a Super Bowl, 2003 Patriots. That team won the final 11 games leading to the last game of the season and instead of pulling the starters Belicheat sent out the first stringers to dismantle the Bills 31-0 in a totally meaningless game.

More to the point of the nine teams that have won the Super Bowl this decade eight of them did so while playing hard through the final five games of the season. The only team that mailed one in was the Tampa Bay Bucs in 2002, where they started Rob Johnson. Of course that team won the Super Bowl because of a stifling defense. I mean I could have started at Quarterback and they still would have won.

Jim Caldwell really didn't learn anything from Tony Dungy's mistakes, in fact I think that by definition he is insane. You know the whole repeated behavior and expecting different results thing. The Colts are destined to lose early and the Vikings are just bad.

There is a silver lining for those teams however, because this year they play the Pro Bowl the week before the Super Bowl. So it's not like media darlings Brett and Payton won't have an opportunity to settle the on going raging debate over "Greatest Quarterback" in history (Regular Season Category) on the field...it's just going to take place in a meaningless game.

Then we can get on to the trivial stuff like who's the best team in football.

I Told You So

Wait a second Brett Favre is beginning to grumble in Minnesota? Nooo, say it ain't so.

In case you missed it, Brett Favre came out after the blowout loss to the Matt Moore led Carolina Panthers and told the world about a sideline conversation he had with his head coach. You can watch the presser here.

Favre, oddly putting himself ahead of the team, felt it was important to share this one-on-one conversation with the world. I don't want to call the gunslinging-wrangler-wearing-graybeard selfish...so I'll call him self-esque. Isn't this EXACTLY the kind of thing that should be handled internally?

"But wait, Trip. If it is handled internally nobody would ever know that the conversation took place and why is that a good thing?...Oh, because it doesn't risk dividing the locker room...and I guess it doesn't make the coach look bad in front of the entire team...and I guess there's the whole professionalism aspect...NEVERMIND."

This is exactly why the Vikings won't win the Super Bowl. Favre can't help it, he is what he is...a prima donna. It's like that documentary, by Werner Herzog, about the nut job that lived with Grizzly Bears. This guy rolled around in bear piss, growled at the bears, fed the bears and everything seemed to be going along smoothly until suddenly the Grizzlies remembered that they were 800 lbs. bears and ate him. Favre is the bear. Childress really thought that he had trained this guy into becoming the second coming of Joe Montana. No interceptions, lots of touchdown passes, and a plesure to work with on and off the field. I'm not sure of it but a source told me that Childress uses those blue urinal cakes as deodorant.

It was only a matter of time. Asking Favre to be selfless is like asking Tiger to be faithful to one mistress. [editor's note- Is it just me or is it maybe the funniest thing ever that the Cheetettes seem appalled that they weren't the ONLY one, other than his wife I mean. Genuinely upset that Tiger was catting around with other mistresses. The Today Show, Good Morning America, et al seem to give side with this premise. They actually position themselves as sympathetic to these whores',  excuse me, sluts' plight.]  

I wouldn't trade Favre for a long snapper...by the way the Steelers really need one because Greg Warren tore his ACL on the PAT to win the game yesterday.

I can't wait until Brett's final pass of the season is caught by the OTHER TEAM.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas...

My True Love gave to me

Four Avatar Duckets, Three Chiming Bells, Tim Duncan Love and a "Team Tiger" reversible tee.

I live in Western New York and sometimes the weather can really be weird. I find that our weather can cause unexpected delays and postponements. I don't know if this happens where you live, but sometimes after a major storm front blows through or the day after, say, an opening day midnight showing of a highly anticipated movie, they can call for a "Snow Day." And when I say "they" I mean, of course, "I" can call for a "Snow Day."

Such a phenomenon occurred today. A "Snow Day" was declared and my wife and kids are currently sleeping through it with visions of ten foot tall ThunderSmurfs dancing in their heads.

Ok, so I'll admit blowing off school so that my kids could see Avatar in the 3-D Imax Experience, at midnight, probably won't get me on the short list for parent of the year, but in my defense the movie was AWESOME!

I'm not going to do a traditional movie review thing, but suffice it to say, Avatar delivers the goods. It looks great, the story is solid, Zoe Saldana was terrific and Sam Worthington is the next big thing in Hollywood. But lets not kid ourselves, the technology is the thing.

The technology used in this movie blows everything that has come before out of the water. It's absurd. I used to work for a wonderful man named Ralph Winter, producer of all of the X-Men movies, and he told me in 1994 that Jim Cameron will aways be three years ahead of everybody else technologically. He was right then and he still is today.

Jim Cameron, a notorious pain in the ass, has consistently pushed the CGI envelope. The Abyss, T-2, True Lies and Titanic all ushered in new technology to the world of film. But technology for technology sake doesn't work. He doesn't get bogged down by CGI. He tells a simple traditional story and uses cool fancy gadgets to make it look cool. The one thing you can always count on in his films is a central character on the "hero's journey." The dialog isn't ever going to be confused with Tarantino or Mamet. That's why his films are always saddled with criticisms about the simplicity of his scripts. Too many catch phrases and monosyllabic banter, like "I'll be back." Guilty on all counts but remember that he isn't mimicking Michael Bay, Michael Bay is mimicking him. Cameron was using those cheesy lines before anybody else and while he doesn't deserve an Oscar for his writing, his movies are always entertaining.

But back to the technology. We have all seen how CGI can get in the way, it ruined the last installment of Indy (I mean gophers, really?) and it made the Star Wars Prequels completely lifeless. In both of those cases George Lucas was so amped up about using CGI that he completely forgot why the orginial versions of those movies worked. Raiders and Star Wars seemed real and in most cases were shot practically, with a simple story and characters that audiences cared about. [editor's note- I just watched this it is essentially seven, ten minute reviews of Phantom Menace. Actually I only saw the first two, they are pretty funny and strangely accurate. It explains the flaws in those pieces of deuce rather well. And you will laugh out loud.] 

In Avatar Jim Cameron has Jake Sully doing the hero's journey  duties and I would care about Zoe Saldana if she was reading the yellow pages. But most importantly he uses the 3-D Tech to slowly bring you into this new world. There aren't any comin' at ya' explosions, animals don't jump into your lap and nobody swings a latter out over the audience. In fact the best use of the 3-D is exists during the quiet moments. Circling the space station, exploring Pandora's rain forest and even the jelly fish-like seeds that bounce around the screen. My personal favorite were the tiny mosquitoes that flutter beneath the canopy, but that's because it has always been a pet peeve that nobody ever deals with mosquitoes in movies. I mean those things are a pain in the neck...literally. How many movies have there been where people just sort of jaunt through the jungle wearing nothing and not so much as a buzzing sound, right? It's ridiculous.

Anyway, you need to see the movie for yourself it will eventually be one of the top three grossing movies ever. I recommend finding the closest IMAX Theater and getting a center seat. By the way I took my two boys, both under ten and they loved it so much that they watched it again during their Snow Day...it's strange the roads are super deep and icy on the way to school but the roads to the theater? Not so much. I mentioned before that the weather here is weird, right?

On the Third Day of Christmas...

My true love gave to me...

Three Chiming Bells, Tim Duncan Love and a "Team Tiger" reversible tee.

Allow me, if you will, a slightly more personal rant. I know that this may come across as slightly self-indulgent but-

"Everything you do is self-indulgent. That's what a blog is you pampas @$!"

Ooookay. Fair enough...Allow me to CONTINUE to be self-indulgent. I live in a small village in Western New York. It's the kind of sleepy little hamlet, located on the Erie Canal, that has a train running through it and a working dairy farm. It's the kind of place where they shut down the streets for the Little League, Homecoming and Memorial Day Parades. Where people paint each other's fences because they need it and where you will always find a piping hot apple pie resting on your window sill.

I recently discovered that the vestry of one of our local churches agreed to silence its church’s bells between the hours of 11 PM and 7 AM because of a single complaint. This is disappointing not only because the bells have been an important part of the fabric of my community for almost one hundred and fifty years, but because the decision to placate one individual was made without any investigation as to the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of the members of the church or the other villagers. For 141 years nobody had a problem with these hourly chimes, little Ms. Gets-Everything-She-Wants-Veruca-Salt moves into the village and WHAMMO no more bells.

When I asked some of the vestry members why they came to they came to this decision I was told that it was the “neighborly thing to do.” Really? Arbitrarily placating one neighbor is the neighborly thing to do?

And the neighborhood is not limited to the one house next to the church there are five or six other houses that are equidistant from the church and they weren't asked their opinion on the matter. And what of the other members of the village? None of the other villagers were asked either. Nor were the members of the church solicited. How can a organization hide behind a word like neighborly when they didn't take the neighbors into consideration. And I would submit that the very idea that someone would move into a community and insist that a peaceful tradition like church bells be changed, altered or ended, in order to suit their personal desires, is also rather unneighborly.

The vestry made a knee jerk reaction to a complaint without investigating the issue. The idea of changing a 141 year old tradition should have called for that and consideration should have been given to the village and the church's membership. If that consideration was given and the vestry still felt the need to silence the bells, I would have been disappointed but the decision would have been made with all of the information.

As a villager I love the bells. It is an essential part of Village life and part of the ambient noise that also includes midnight trains, traffic and the occasional late night revelers from some of our local watering holes.

Church bells are used as a call to worship, a method of exaltation, and can be found in every major religion. But the hourly bells are much more than a marker of the time, they are a reminder of our community, be it parochial or secular. The stories of weary travelers hearing the bells of a church in the wee hours of the morning are too numerous to mention. The importance of the bells in those stories has nothing to do with the telling of time, they are a mechanism used to remind people that there is a safe haven for each of us. That, as alone as we may feel, we are each a member of a Church, a Village and a Community. It is during those times when the world seems the darkest that we need the bells the most.

This issue is a perfect example of where our country is failing. Long gone are the days when people would stand united to defend the principles and beliefs that they share. It's easier to cow to the person that complains the loudest. Placating is the easy answer, the path of least resistance. It is the reason that there aren't Christmas Trees in schools or Menorahs in front of Town Halls. Cave in, oil the squeaky wheel and hope that they don't complain about those insipid Wedding Bells.

On the Second Day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

TIM DUNCAN LOVE!

The AP just released it's list of the Athletes of the Decade. As was the case with The Wilt Chamberlain Frequent Flyer Award, Tiger Woods topped the list. Don't worry this isn't going to be another Pinata Woods piece.

The also rans for the honor were Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer and Michael Phelps. So to some up the best athletes on the planet were a golfer, a bicyclist, a tennis player and a swimmer. The very best. Athletes. In the WORLD...really?

Raise your hand if you went to a high school where an athlete in any if those sports was considered the best athlete. Am I wrong or did everyone that ever excelled at any of those sports first fail make the football, basketball or baseball teams?

Don't think about it for too long, you know I am right. You don't even have to be in very good shape to play golf. In fact most of you drink when you play and half of you smoke.

I'll give you that the other three might be in the best shape of anyone in the decade but do you really think Lance Armstrong is an athlete? Come on, Lance grew up in Texas and took up riding a bike. You don't think that it is at least possible that he got tired of getting cut from the football team and found it humiliating being the team "manager"? What better way to keep from getting your ass kicked than to learn how to ride a bike really, really fast.

Michael Phelps looks awkward smoking pot, how good could he possibly be at something that takes eye-hand coordination? If he was any kind of athlete he would have won the gold in water polo. At least Matt Biondi did that.

As for Mr. Federer, please don't tell me that my Xenophobia is acting up again because he couldn't even make it as a soccer player in Switzerland. That's like not being good enough to make the Jamaician Bobsled Team.

Sorry folks, Tim Duncan is the Athlete of the Decade. He plays a real sport and has won multiple World Titles despite playing with someone from France.

On the First Day of Christmas...

My true love gave to me, a "Team Tiger" reversible tee.

Nah, just kidding, I hate that guy and apparently so do many of you., It was announced today that Tiger has taken the biggest nose dive in the history of the Q-Rating. For the uninitiated a person's Q-Rating, or favorablility rating, determines your worth with the general public. It is a rating system that determines where sponsorship dollars go. Tiger Woods, as the first billionaire athlete, had a higher favorability rating than anyone...ever. People like Tom Hanks and Angelina Jolie are too liberal to stay with Tiger. And sports personalities are too polarizing because of the legions of fans that root against players like Tom Brady and Derek Jeter.

Tiger had it all, he, along with Oprah and Obama, is the most successful high profile minority in the history of the United States and he did so by dominating the most country club elitest sport this side of Polo. Conservatives and Liberals can't agree on anything except for their universal love for Tiger Woods.

Unfortunately Tiger likes to spread his "universal love"...to EVERYone. This single act of stupidity, and when I say single I mean of course multiple acts with hundreds of people spread out over the better part of a decade, has led to the single biggest free fall since The Depression. No, not THIS depression. The one with the Shanty Towns and the Orphanages...you know, the one from Annie, THE Depression.

Think about it, Tiger's face plant is bigger than Bill Clinton, David Letterman, O.J. Simpson, Ray Lewis, Roman Polanski and Milli Vanilli combined.

Bill Clinton and David Letterman each gave new meaning to the term "doing it for the kids" by teaching young interns how things work in the real world. And by real world I can only assume they mean the long running MTV show where people drink like the Kennedys and sleep around like, uh, well the Kennedys.

Letterman, thanks to an alleged threat of extortion, got out in front of his indiscretion by making uncomfortable jokes about his creepiness. While Slick Willie tried to deny everything, but in the end fell on the sword and asked for forgiveness.

 "I did not have sexual relations with that girl, Miss Lew- wait what? On her dress? Ooohh, COMEON! Who does that? Did she think it was a Petri Dish? Ok, I made some mistakes and I would like to apologize to the American Public because I'm a man...with NEEEEEDS. And after my term ends I have to spend the rest of my life with she who shan't be named. Can you FEEL MY pain?"

In both cases they bounced back and continued right where they left off. Letterman actually benefitted in the ratings and everyone knew Clinton was a horndog. Clinton has regained his stature to such a degree that he was the go to person when we were trying to save those stranded desperate girls from North Korea. Think about THAT. Can you imagine some official government type knocking on your door and telling you not to worry Bill Clinton is going to rescue your teenage daughter from some terrorists crazy Despot looking to rule the world. It's like a James Bond movie right?

O. J. was almost completely off the radar when he killed Nicole and Ron and he had a history of violence, so it wasn't like he was making Rent-a-car commercials a the time. Ray Lewis is more popular today then he was before he was accused of murder. And, Roman Polanski has been collecting Oscars and Lifetime Achievement awards during his vacation in France ever since he was convicted of rape. All three of tese guys felt no long term effects from their scandals.

I have no doubt that Tiger will regain many of his sponsors, much the way that Kobe did. He will come on Oprah, tell the world that he is a Sex Addict and his Q-Rating will bounce back. But he will never again be what he was. He will not be asked to host an event at an Inauguration. He won't be asked to speak about Human Rights in Korea. Organizations that depend on credibility, honest and professionalism won't come back around because no matter what he does he will be remembered for this past two and a half weeks.

He might as well embrace his true seedy self. Own it. Don't apologize for the behavior, don't pretend to be "working through" your problems. Please don't tell us you are going to try and patch things up with Elin. It's stupid and nobody will ever believe it. Become the villain. Embrace the black hat. Let Phil carry the mantle for awhile. Go the other way. That would be the most interesting thing he could do, but it won't happen because he has conditioned himself to being something that he's not for so long he actually believes he deserves to be the good guy. A role he believes he is entitled to...not unlike Roger Clemens.

[editor's note- It was reported today that Tiger Woods might have a professional relationship with this guy. I'm sure it's nothing, just coincidental. I mean sure Tiger looks to have gained a hat size or two since 1996 but Tiger wouldn't use performance enhancers, right?]

Anyway, don't feel bad for The Cheetah, like all cats, he will land on his feet and he will become the greatest golfer of all-time.

The only difference will be the lack of deference.

While Playboy is readying its LADIES OF TIGER double issue, Gammons is leaving ESPN...sport Gods giveth and taketh away

Just Call Me Scoop

This whole blogging thing works like magic. Apparently, if you are really good the Blog Fairy comes down and blesses you with a scoop on the number one story in America, maybe the world. What a sad state of affairs that the US is running two wars, the global economy is in the toilet, Dubai may have to push back its Superhero Themed Amusement Park and the biggest story in the world is Tiger Woods.

Well I just got word, from the same source that sent me the excerpts from the Tim Donaghy tell-all (which you will hear all about on 60-Minutes this Sunday),  that the 911 call was made by none other than Ken Griffey Jr. Apparently, El Tigre was over at Junior's house for a friendly game of Poker. Poker? I hardly knew her. Of course, it HAD to be Poker. As I mentioned in the previous blog everything in this story has a double entendre.

Anyway, while Tiger was over at Ken Griffey's house playing cards with the boys, Elin was using the time to check his phone, e-mails and texts. Obviously she saw something, or several volumes of something, that she didn't like and stayed up to greet him...with one of his custom made Nike Long Irons.

This fills in a few gaps and unanswered questions in this whole story. Thanks to my trusty source we now know why Tiger was up at 2:30 in the morning, why the neighbor would have heard a 20-mph car accident and why Tiger sounded like such a douche in those texts. Ok, well, it doesn't explain the last one, but you have to admit that he really does come off as that nerdy kid in high school that is WAY more confident than he should be because his parents bought him a Beamer and are away for the weekend. You know what I mean? I mean, who gets amped up reading those texts? Other than that whore elegant woman that is really just another victim in this whole story. Other than her...and the night club manager who's all bitter that someone stole her spotlight...or the waitress in Vegas...

Well, until my NEXT scoop I'll just sign off.  Good night, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea

Lamberts and Tigers and Vamps, Oh My!

I think that the good people at Butterball are stuffing something other than Tryptophan into their turkeys. There is just no other explanation for the last several days.

1. Someone named Adam Lambert got bumped from Good Morning America for kissing a dude on TV. Doesn't Mr. Lambert know that that kind of depravity is only acceptable on highly rated television shows like Brothers and Sisters. I'm glad ABC and GMA stuck to their guns on this one and replaced Adam with that good old all-American poster boy, Chris Brown. Yeah, THAT makes a lot of sense. It's like I have always said, everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, unless your gay because we can't tolerate that kind of behavior. Well, unless its girls kissing, because that's kind of hot, even if the other "girl" is seventy-three.

2. Can someone explain the whole Twilight thing to me. First of all I thought that Vampires burst into flames in direct sunlight. What, did they figure out a way to bathe in zinc? What's next, I suppose you're going to tell me that garlic and crucifixes don't work and that vampires are really misunderstood James Dean types that happen to be really good at baseball.

And what's with this franchise taking over the local Cineplex? I tried to take my kids to the theater the other day to watch some movie with Nicholas Cage doing the voice over work for an otter, [editor's note- The next casting director that thinks Nic Cage would be perfect for the voice of a rodent, dog, or scientist can NEVER do casting for anything...ever.] anyway, I tried to take my boys to the movies and they had shut down the theater because a group of MILT's had rented out the place to watch Kristen Stewart brood. That's Mother's In Love with Twilight, if you're scoring at home. These were 40-year old women standing in line to watch some kid, that can't legally drive a night, take his shirt off. Creepy, no? They should be ashamed of themselves. Most of those women were obviously old enough to remember the great Senator of Massachusetts Ted Kennedy because they were wearing an old political t-shirt claiming to be on Team Edward. It's creepy and lecherous. I mean that would be like, wait a second. How old is Megan Fox? Or no, the other girl in the Transformers Movie how old is she? OoooK, um. Wow, really? Well it's like I was saying, nineteen. Nineteen should be the cut-off. Yeah,  because that would mean I was a sophmore in college when. Eew, wait a second... Carry the one...hmmm. Aaaaanyway, moving on.

3. I never thought I would say this but, thank God for Sandy Bullock. Playing the part originally written for Goldie Hawn in 1986, Ms. Bullock came along with that movie about a homeless simpleton that learns how to play football properly when his adopted mother explains the game to him by emasculating him in front of his friends, coaches and teammates. I can't believe I was rooting for a movie about a guy on the Ravens, but I just can't have those Lamepires breaking box office records. As much as I was rooting for The Blind Side it is no Fighting Back: The Rocky Bleier Story. I'll take Robert Urich all day long.

4. Reality Shows need to loosen their standards and let these wannabes do their own shows before somebody gets hurt. Just weeks after the Balloon Boy parents-of-the-year story, two more Reality Show Losers, which is REALLY saying something, crash the White House State Dinner. Are you kidding me? In both cases these nut jobs really showed the producers of the potential reality shows that they had made a huge mistake, by doing something even whackier than their purposed shows. Look it's fun or cool or whatever that Michaele and Tariq Salahi made it passed the various check points and made it into the Dinner, but I would prefer that our President actually be insulated from ever having contact with people that weren't good enough from Real Housewives of Anywhere. I feel dumber for knowing anything about these people and our country can't afford that right now.

5. The story of the weekend, and probably the next 12 months, belongs to Tiger Woods, his wife Elin and that whoreiffic night club "Manager" Rachel Uchitel. First of all, Tiger needs to find other interests. Everything in this story involves golf. Granted he's gotten him self into trouble all year with bad lies and poor driving but this is ridiculous. Tiger should know better. The one thing about golf is that it is the only sport where you police yourself. Cheating is not tolerated, and players often turn themselves in to the officials. Come to think of it that is probably exactly what happened the other night. Unfortunately, Tiger has lived such a sheltered life that he probably thought Elin was just going to penalize him a stroke or two and call it a day. There are just too many ways to go on this thing. Playing in the Rough, changing sponsors because he found his game works better when someone else works on his Shaft, a million and one Hole jokes, Elin's Back Swing, Drive, Driver, Driving, Shank, Hook, Slice, Plug, Ball, Stadler, Flag Stick, Wedge, Trap, Out-of-Bounds, Strokes, Score, Woosnam, Score Card, Club, Clubbing, Hide the Gopher, Bite, Spin, Fade...too...many...words...golf...is...dirty.

I was going to try and work a few more puns about "Clubbing" or Tiger having a wicked slice in there but my head started to hurt. Turns out these exercise induced headaches are just the effects of a mild concussion I received last weekend. You know I really thought that I could finish this post. [an Actual Editor's Note- Tiger just announced that he isn't going to show up for his own Golf Tournament. Poor form El Tigre. You HAVE to make it to that. He's getting bad advice]

Oh, well you live and learn.