Random Thoughts From Oscars

IT'S REALLY NICE TO HEAR THAT KATHY IRELAND GOT WORK. After wondering aloud what Miley Cyrus was going to do next, "Now that you have conquered comedy." Gigantor was sooo friggin' loud with Efron, I could hear her through the mute button. Maybe she could find work placing stars on Christmas trees?

Anyway, on with the show. Whoa, whoa, WHOA! I didn't know Jim Cameron was gay. How long has he been married to Clint Eastwood? Weird. 

Now on with the awards...but first, Mo'Nique is teaching everyone how blessed they are and more importantly how deserving she is of the inevitable honor. I think she's confusing beling blessed and lucky. It's sort of like the difference between irony and coincidence. I hate to be the barer of bad news, Mo, but the rest of these nominated ladies are blessed YOU are going to be the answer to a trivia question in three years. Don't get me wrong she seems really really good at beating and degrading children but she should ask Christopher Cross what happens when you get caught between the moon and New York City. Afterall Anne Ramsey was nominated for Best Supporting Actress. What? Oh, she played Momma in Throw Momma From The Train. It was nothing but award shows and accolades for the rest of her career too.  Look everybody agrees that the mighty Mo was great in Precious but that doesn't mean she gets to talk down to EVERYONE. Only Oprah can do that. [editor's note- Please don't misunderstand my rant. Mo was great but I can't take people that are preachy. And you know you are hated in Hollywood when Sam Jackson has a problem with you. If she was smart she would get Harpo to dub her as her heir apparent]

Let's go on with the show...wait was that Judd Nelson? Couldn't be.

To the Oscar's... is Sandy Bullock suppose to look like Nosferatu in a dress? I don't want to say she looks pale but Sherry Stringfield was asking her about her Bucket List. By the way I thought Sherry Stringfield was that girl on the original ER who quit and then did nothing with the rest of her career until she came back to ER. Oh, Sherri Shepherd. She's the lady that doesn't believe the Earth is round. Got it. She owes that 12-foot tall Autobot, Ka'vi Ireland, a debt of gratitude because she's making Sherri look comfortable and pithy.

Lights, camera, a- wow Cameron Diaz looks awful...I mean awful. Like she's been chain smoking cigarettes for four days just trying to keep the weight off. She makes me sad, but she was HOT in the Mask...in 1994.

Now let's raise the curtain...wait, why is Faith Hill's husband wearing a toupee? He sorta looks like Tug McGraw.

Ok, lets take a look at the actual show.

Neil Patrick Harris's opening was good. I'm a big fan of Dr. Horrible and while the suit was ridiculous I'm a sucker for an opening number, he's getting killed on the Howard Stern Show though. 

Martin and Baldwin are great, funny, good chemistry, and comfortable. Having said that the best opening monologue this weekend was done by Zach Galifinakis on SNL see below:

I love the John Hughes tribute. It's funny Paul Newman didn't get as big a tribute after he died and he raised over one billion dollars for his charities. Amazing. At this point you have all read, and probably re-read, my thoughts on Mr. Hughes so you won't be surprised to learn that I happen to think the Hughes thing is well deserved. He really hit a vein in the early Eighties, he didn't talk down to teenagers and most importantly was funny. A perfect way to end it with the "Life Moves Pretty Fast" line from Ferris. Wait, what're they doing? Who are these people? It must be easier to have the seat fillers enter from the stage I guess. Oh, no. No, no, no. THAT'S the Brat Pack? But who's the West Hollywood gigol- Holy Home Alone, Batman. And who is the walking Amber Alert in the back? Judd Nelson. Oh, my God! You know I'm scared that if I watch the Breakfast Club again I'm going to be rooting for Principal Dick Vernon and will relate to the Janitor. Depressing.

I'm doing the rest of this after the show.

I knew Hurt Locker going to sweep the night when they got best sound mixing. It proves that everyone in Hollywood is sick of Jim Cameron's success. You may or may not like Avatar but that movie should've won every single technical award. 

Hurt Locker was a very good movie but Inglourious Basterds was better in every way and I actually preferred Avatar as well. Here's who should've won:

Inglourious Basterds- Picture, Orig. Writing, Editing, C. Waltz (S. Actor)

Hurt Locker- Jeremy Renner (Actor)

Precious- The Mighty Mo (Sup. Actress)

Up In The Air- Adpt. Writing

Avatar- Director, Special Effects, Tech Stuff and Zoe Saldana (Best Actress)

What, how can I pick someone that played a ThunderSmurf? Because she carried that movie and had to act with a helmet on her head. Let's see Meryl Streep try that for a change. I mean the only difficulty presented to Ms. Streep in Julie and Julia were all of those French people. And Sandy Bullock wasn't REALLY that good in the Blind Side, didn't Judith Light or Judith Ivey or some friggin' Judith play the same part on a Lifetime movie starring Scott Baio or Helen Hunt in the 80's? 

So what did we learn during the Night of A Thousand Stars? That we all have Mo'Nique's comedic side to look forward to. That Alec Baldwin is as good at hosting as he is bad at parenting. That Steve Martin likes Botox, he really really likes Botox. That Robert Downey Jr. had the line of the night with 

It's a collaboration. A collaboration between handsome gifted people and sickly little mole people.

That Jeremy Renner doesn't mind coming in second, third, fourth or even last...when it comes to Jessica Simpson. We learned that every one of these starlets need to take a page from Helen Mirren and keep it simple. That damn Helen Mirren was the best looking woman at the show and she is almost 70. Keep it simple ladies. We discovered that the Uber-Bitter Kristen Stewart needs to quit smoking...or at least she needs to cough the phlegm out of her lungs BEFORE presenting at the Oscars rather than DURING. I think that that Werewolf kid caught a chunk of Kristen's lung on his sleeve. Cut to Camera Two. We also learned that people could make speeches without writing them down on a piece of paper... Well everyone except the an ACTUAL writer. Bravo to producer Adam Shankman, all of those hours of watching  your dancing show have really paid off for me. 

Now let's get on with the most important movie season...blockbuster time. Bring on The Losers, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Iron Man 2, Inception and Kick-Ass. 

My Bologna Has A First Name

As the great Rob Lowe once sang on the broadcast, "Rollin', Rollin', Keep Those Cameras Rollin'."

It time for me to once again share with you, the little people, my vast knowledge of the film industry. Today I will give you an insiders look into this year's Academy Awards.

First up there's good news and bad news when it comes to the pre-Oscar build up. The good news is Barba Wawa is stepping down from her annual duties giving us a behind the scenes look at a collection of the most pompous and eventually irrelevant actors and actresses in the movie industry. Barbara's personal brand on insipidity has given us some insight into our favorite matinee idols over the years. Who can forget Sean Connery sharing with America that he occasionally has to beat his wife around...you know when she's not listening. And I especially like the ever-earnest Billy Crystal comparing his preparation to his Oscar hosting duties to a baseball player prepping for the World Series. I especially loved when Babs cooed in response to Billy's boast the he would do as many as twenty push-ups just before he took the stage. No wonder they call it a "Special."

The bad news is that Harpo Winfrey has already taken over the mantle and has decided to do something new and fresh with it. And when I say new and fresh I mean she's stealing other people's ideas. Her twist is having stars interview other stars. It's hard to describe but...well let me see...oh I know it's Iconoclasts but on ABC. Oh, oh and Ms. Winfrey introduces each segment with pithy insight like, "Did you her Michael refer to Glen as Glenny?" Painful, but at this point I expect nothing less from Mrs. Gayle King. No wonder Sirius/XM pays her the big bucks.

I'm going to do a little breakdown of the Oscar's for tomorrow but in the mean time here are the winners:

Orig. Screenplay- Mark Boal, Hurt Locker
Adpt. Screenplay- Jason Reitman, Up In The Air
All the Special Effects and Technical Awards- Avatar
Live Action Short- The Door
Animated Short- Nick Park, Wallace & Grommit always win (Loaf and Death)
Orig. Song- T.Bone, The Weary Kind
Orig. Score- UP
Film Editing- this used to indicate the eventual winner of best picture, Avatar (Should be Inglourious Basterds)
Cinematography- Avatar
Art Direction- Avatar
Animated Film- UP
Foreign- The White Ribbon
Director- Kathryn Bigelow (Should be Jim Cameron)
Sup. Actor- Christoph Waltz
Sup. Actress- Mo'Nique
Actor- Jeff Bridges
Actress- Sandy Bullock
Picture- Everyone thinks its Avatar or Hurt Locker but because of the ten nominees and the STUPID way that they give points out the winner will be either Inglourious Basterds or Up In The Air. I'll take the Basterds in the biggest upset since Marisa Tomei winning for My Cousin Vinnie.

I'll see you on the other side.

This Daddy May Care

Really? Take your kid to work day? Anyone else see this little news item? You have got to be kidding me.

Ok, there are certain jobs that you don't get to bring your kid to work for and Air Traffic Controller at JFK is WAY up the list. Yep, in fact it may rank ahead of EVERY SINGLE JOB IN THE WORLD. No wait, Nuclear Bomb Dropper. That one comes in just ahead of Air Traffic Controller for jobs that you can't let your child do. But considering the fact that no body has dropped a bomb on populated area since 1945 Air Traffic Controller might get the nod for practical reasons.

I mean really. It's more understandable for a Brain Surgeon to allow her kid to take a few cracks with the ol' scalpel.

Ok, now carefully peel back the tissue and you will see the Amygdala. Good, good. Now slowly slice- NO, NO not the- Oooooh, nope...you missed it. THAT was the brain stem. Yeah, he's dead. Nice try though. Now remember, Johnny, only one person died here today because of you. It's not like I was irresponsible enough to let you control the lives of a plane full of people. HaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Could you imagine. 

Seriously, let's think about this for a second. Maybe I'm overstating this whole thing. Deep breath, in through the nose...out through the mouth.... And...Zen.

Ok, in terms of inappropriate jobs for the Miley Cyrus-set there are a few jobs that rank ahead of Air Traffic Controller. Like Mafia Hitman for instance. You don't want to take your kid out to whack someone, could be scarring. Porn Directors, Key Grips and Gaffers should probably steer clear of the Bring Your Daughter to Work days. Shamu Wrangler, Tiger Caddie, CIA Operative, Jay Leno Writer, New York City Comptroller, and French Diplomat are all professions that don't need to be shared with the next generation either. 

But as awful as those jobs are there is a limited risk involved. Sure they may scar your child forever and in some case could be harmful physically but none of those jobs involve keeping multi-million dollar vehicles,loaded with Jet fuel and hundreds of blissfully unaware civilians, from crashing into one another.

I don't like to brag but I took Principles of Flight (pass/fail), in college so I think I know a little something about aviation. OK? So, let me tell you something. Never, and I mean NEVER...take a course pass/fail senior spring where you have to learn how to fly a plane. BIG mistake. I could've taken Jazz where you just sit around listening to Dave Brubeck's Blue Rondo Ala Turk, but Noooooo I had to listen to Paulo. Wait, what were we talking about?

Air Traffic Controller kids! Right. I know what you're saying, "Trip, you are totally overreacting to this. Glenn Duffy was just letting his kid tell the Pilots that they were clear for take-off. No harm, no foul."

What? OK, I'm sorry I guess you're right. I should really let this thing go. No big whoop. I'll let it go...just as soon as YOU can tell me why the FAA makes you do the following in order to become an Air Traffic Controller:

• 4-year college degree or 3 years of full-time work experience
• completion of the FAA-Approved Air Traffic Control Program that amounts to a years worth of Graduate School
• Working knowledge of Trigonometry, Algebra, Micro and Macro Economics, Physics, Aviation Computer Systems and Electronics
• A full medical and psychological evaluation
• 15 hours in the simulator
• Must be older than 21, and can't start if you are older than 31. I'm not sure why that is everybody knows you keep getting smarter, faster and better looking once you hit 40.

Oh, yeah there's one more little, tiny, microsopic thing...you have to be able to speak. I'm sorry if I get a little nervous with the idea that some five year old kid might not properly enunciates his threes. God forbid!

"You're clear for landing US Airways Fo - Zewo - TREE." 

"What! A Tree? What tree? Where's the tree? AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Sully Sullenberger announced his retirement yesterday.