Oh, man Friday is going to be one of THOSE days. My beautiful wife has invited one of her closest friends over for dinner. She's awesome, funny, good looking, intelligent and might be married to the single most annoying person on the planet. Ugh, it's hard to even write about. I really can't put my finger on it, but there's just something "Off" about this guy. No wait a second of course I can put my finger on it. If I couldn't put my finger on it I wouldn't have started this little rant now would I? Come on...use your head people.
Anyway. Normally, when I know I'm having someone over that I can't talk to without wanting to stab myself in the ear with a spoon, I'll have a "primer." Oh, you know a quick stiff drink right before they get there to prime the ol' pump. Unfortunately this guy typically takes his three hour lunch at 10:30 in the morning and then knocks off for the day in time watch the end of General Hospital. So five'll get ya ten that he'll be six deep before he walks in the door. So much for the primer theory.
Ahhrrghh. I just remembered that he's going to go on and on about the Yankees. You see he's a "Yankee" fan. Oh, yeah he's a Yankees fan alright...he's about as diehard as a Patriots "fan." I mean everybody knows that Patriots "fans," as a group, are the biggest band wagon jumping, Tom Brady loving sycophants on the planet, right? That's a given. In fact, it says here that, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, 93.4% of all Patriots fans think Drew Bledsoe was the first Quarterback in franchise history, know Craig James as the father of the kid that got that coach fired at Texas Tech and that John Hannah signed the Declaration of Independence for Rhode Island.
Well with that as the bench mark this guy, let's call him Will Byers, makes Pats fans look like Red Sox fans pre-2004. Let me put it this way Will's favorite Yankee is A-Rod and we'll leave it at that.
But it doesn't end there, you know the old saying, "the older I get, the better I was?" I HATE that saying. Ever time somebody uses that saying, or one just like it, the person saying it does so as though they have just discovered a new color. Look, Mark...Twain, why don't you put down Poor Richard's Almanac and get me a beer. Those kinds of sayings should only be used on birthday cards (preferably given to you by your ne'er-do-well Uncle on your mother's side) and bumper stickers.
Having said that, to hear Willy tell it he was the best Point Guard in New York without exception...well... outside of the City. I mean, technically, west of the Hudson River...er- actually west of Utica...and south of Lake Placid, no make that Watertown. South of Watertown, and west of Utica, but definitely no further west then Oneida. But right in that stretch between the years of 1972 and 1974, among men the ages 16 to 19, that were enrolled in Catholic School, slick Willy was the best.
It's not that I don't believe him it's just that... Well he's so darn short...and slow...with very little hand-eye coordination. Look, I don't have a problem with short people, especially when they sit in front of me at movies, but in Basketball you have to be either really, really tall or a super talented athlete. There is just no other way to compete at the highest level of High School Basketball in the Leatherstocking Region of Upstate New York.
Is our hero a good athlete? Good question, well let me put it this way, he recently tore his rotator cuff... PUTTING ON FACE PAINT... FOR A KISS CONCERT. What, oh, didn't I mention that he's a KISS fan? Are you sure? Oh, that's my fault. This guy is a member of the KISS Army,in fact I think he's a Private First Class.
Pop Quiz, which is worse, being in the KISS Army and having a rank of Private First Class or making it to a Full Bird Colonel? No, I'm afraid the correct response was Milli Vanilli.
KISS...huh...it's surprising more bands haven't gone the way of clown paint as their hook. No, wait a second there's the Insane Clown Posse and Boy George and, of course, ACTUAL clowns. So that's something. I wonder why Jimmy Page or John Lennon never put on those eight inch heels. I'll bet Clapton is kicking himself.
Well, wish me luck.
As Per Request, I'll Let Future On-line Observations Last Seven DAY!
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