So back to J-Lo. I was enjoying the last episode of Lost, for the second time last night [editor's note- I'm a Desmond-is-the-ultimate-hero-of-the-show guy and so anytime it's a Desmond-centric episode you can mark me down for a minimum of three viewings. Am I a Geek? Maybe. Do I spend an inordinate amount of time watching TV? Perhaps. Do I hate people that ask and answer their own questions? Definitely.]
At any rate, there I was minding my own business, watching Lost and...ok, I'll admit it I got lazy. I didn't push pause on my TV when I got up to get a beer. I just let the show play like I was living in the last century. Well, one thing leads to another and suddenly I'm watching a commercial. It's been eight years, seven months and three days since I've watched a commercial, Steelers games and the Super Bowl not withstanding. But to make matters worse the commercial was for this Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy.
So there I was with my head in the refrigerator listening to J-Lo singing a cover of I'm Not Going To Write You a Love Song... I mean, the song sounded a lot like that song from Maid of Honor, you know the one with Patrick McDreamy? He played the roguishly handsome architect/doctor/carpenter, that is really well off financially, has a wise cracking mother/agent/secretary, loves dogs, changes his shirt in the office, always dresses like he jumped off the pages of GQ, owns that killer house/condo/villa, is super neat, happens to be 45 years old, way into girls, a gourmet chef, single, definitely not gay, and juggles something. You know the movie, right? Well, now that I think about it maybe it wasn't a cover of that song at all.
But back to the J-Lo thing, in my fumbling for a bottle opener I watched the entire commercial of this latest outing, I think it's called She's Having 27 Leap Years. It appears as though the movie is going to be all about J-Lo being pregnant. Not getting pregnant mind you...BEING pregnant. God, what I wouldn't give to have been wooing a pregnant Jennifer Lopez.
The movie won't start with her preggers, there will be a long montage that consists of the worst possible dates imaginable. It'll be just like 40 Year Old Virgin only funnier. There'll be a guy that lives with his mom, someone that lives with thirty-five cats, a Lord of the Rings guy and even a brief cameo by Marc Anthony. I hope J-Lo says something like, "singers creep me out" when it happens. You know something inside (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). HiLARIOUS!
She'll ask her gay long time best friend to artificially inseminate her. Cue the spit take.
But right when you least expect it, and when I say that I mean that it will be EXACTLY when you expect it because it will be raining and she'll be sad because the fertility clinic will say, "I'm sorry Chloe/Izzie/Zoe/Apple... but there's always adoption." That person will most likely be played by Kristen Wiig. And then- Whammo- a really attractive British guy using his American accent will stumble into her life.
I must say that this movie is pretty refreshing in it's use of J-Lo's pregnancy as prime fodder for courtship. Because as anyone that has ever been involved in one knows, pregnancy oozes romance. No wait, that came out wrong...whoa, that's not what I meant either. What I was trying to say was it's definitely a bold move to center a romantic comedy around baby birthing. Because most guys, that don't need to be registered on special lists, LOVE dating women that are newly pregnant with someone else's baby. Totally believable.
Ok, before I get a bunch of e-mails and phone calls. I am not against pregnancy, nor am I against the idea of adoption, foster children, cloning or even consensual kidnapping (when done properly) but what I am against is insipid formulaic movies starring J-Lo.
The whole J-Lo thing is weird to me. She was well on her way to becoming a legitimate actress. No, I'm not joking. Look, no fan of Selena me, but she was very good in the 45 minutes I could take of that movie and she was terrific in U-Turn during the parts I wasn't wishing Sean Penn would become a permanent citizen of Venezuela. And, furthermore, I will have words with anyone that says that Karen Sisco, in Out of Sight, isn't one of the best female characters in any movie over the last twenty years. That movie is still Steven Soderbergh's best to-date and that has a lot to do with Jennifer Lopez.
But then she had to remember her roots, which oddly had nothing to do with her sleeping her way to the top or the memory that she got into the business as a Go-Go Dancer. No apparently getting back to her roots meant jump starting that singing career that somehow stalled when she was 13. Well, Jenny from the block begat a string of such auto-tuned classics as that song about her shoes, the one where she sang phonetically in Spanish and of course this new one from the movie that's bound to be a chart topper.
"But Trip, you're being unfair. You're talking about a major "A" List celebrity"
She's a celebrity, I'll give you that. But so is Kim Kardashian. Face it, she has done 20 movies and exactly none of them have ever made 100 million at the box office. The average take for a J-Lo movie? 40 million. Just so we're clear the Tooth Fairy and Legion have made more than that this year. Oh, you're familiar with The Rock movie but you've never heard of the other one? Well I guess that's the point isn't it?
I have included the the official poster for The Backup Plan starring Jennifer and some other guy. It really tells the story. I'm not sure who the other guy is because he's a relative unknown and mostly because she is completely covering his face with her hand. Well played Jenny, well played.
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I cannot stand J Lo...that was one of your better ones. love it.
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