Number 1 Overall

Later today Sam Bradford is going to be a number one overall pick most likely by the St. Louis Rams. If you are a fan of the Rams you should prepare yourselves for years of disappointment. However the Detroit Lions are about to fall into one of the great draft picks of all-time. I'm talking Michael Jordan to the Bulls kind of luck. Ndamukong Suh will be the best player of the draft and likely will be considered the best draft pick ever.

Look Bradford appears to have all of the measureables and he has proven on the field that he is a winner. Unfortunately he has also proven on the field that he is an injury risk. Look, Oklahoma is so much more talented then 90% of the teams thast they play that  he should have a successful career in college. His O-Line is big and better then most of the defenses that he plays

If you were to list the best QB's of all-time, I'm talking the top 50, you will be hard pressed to find a Quarterback that came from an overly talented college team. In fact, other than Peyton Manning, name one premiere QB over the last twenty-five years that came from a national powerhouse.

Brady was a backup at Michigan, Brees played at Purdue. Who else you got? Elway? Stanford. There just aren't any. Why? Because in order to be successful in the NFL you have to be able to react quickly and under pressure. Think about one of the most consistent stats used in the NFL to separate the decent from the All-Pro...fourth quarter comebacks. Matt Leinart never had to do that at USC and when he was called on to do it...they lost to Texas. Please don't tell me that he brought the Trojans back against Notre Dame. Lets face it that game was one of those, "Oh, my gosh we drank WAYYY too much last night and now we might lose to Brady Quinn? Hey Reggie, push me in the back," kinda games.

Reaction, composer and accuracy are the key to becoming a successful leader of an NFL franchise and successful QB's typically learn those attributes while they're getting beat up in college. Ask Danny Wuerffel or Josh Heupel whether or not they felt prepared for the NFL.

Oh, please don't tell me that his workout was the best anyone has seen since Troy Aikman. That's just stupid. You wanna know who had a better Pro Day than Troy Aikman? The first pick overall the after Troy was selected first overall. Any guesses? Yep, that's right Porno-stache Jeff George. Would you like to know the most impressive QB was at a Pro Day in the last twenty years? Rob Johnson. He looked great in shorts. One because he didn't have to react quickly to NFL caliber defenses and secondly because he's super, super dreamy. Oops, what? I mean he was throwing to ultra-slow and over rated Keyshawn Johnson.

Would you like to know who looked terrible in their Pro Days? Tom Brady, Joe Montana, Drew Brees, hell, Kurt Warner never had one.

I'll bet that Jimmy Clausen is going to be a better Pro than Sam Bradford for the aforementioned reasons.

If I were running the Rams I'd take the Mean Joe Greene, Ndamukong Suh and wait until next year for Jake Locker. It worked for the Steelers in the seventies and as always that's good enough for me.

Ben dropped by Jerky Co...what a Bombshell

So Little Ben Roethlisberger was dropped by his beef jerky sponsor. WOW!

I found this odd...mostly because he has never been more qualified.

Aside from the obvious pun, Ben seems to be the perfect face for this particular product. I mean we're talking about processed beef jerky. Exactly who do they think buys this stuff? Please don't misinterpret this as a cheap shot directed at a bunch of yahoos that consider a perfect night one in which you don't get any manure on your boots while you're cow tipping, because that's narrow minded and hurtful.

I'm sure that there are many, many people out there buying beef jerky that don't treat women like second class citizens.  Like...well...ok, I can't think of any off hand but they're out there. Probably.

I mean do they think that distancing themselves from Roethlisberger will sell MORE beef jerky? Don't get me wrong Little Ben is an awful human being, but have they checked their demographics lately? In fact, if I were a jerky distributor I would look for guys like Ben to sponsor the product. They're selling over salted strips of artificially dried cat meat. Who do they think is buying this stuff.

"But, Trip, having Ben as their spokesman will is disrespectful to women." Whaaa?  And the product itself isn't? The only women buying their Ferrel-cat strips of meat are...let's see who would be a good example...oh, I know. Bombshell McGee? I can almost see the ad now....

Tired of snapping into a Slim Jim? Is your Skoal breath turning off any would-be suitors?  Well why don't you try Big Friggin' Jerky. It's the ONLY legal meat substitute endorsed by Hepatitis C and Bombshell McGee. 

"I love Big Friggin' Jerky, it's the third most attractive thing about me. Tee-Hehehehe- Right behind my Hitler memorabilia and face tats. If you're wondering what the key to my cleavage heart is it's Big Friggin' Jerky. "  

Big Friggin' Jerky...it's the ONLY artificially flavored meat substitute endorsed by Bombshell McGee. "Let me take a crack at your Blind Side."

You know what? They should ask Tiger to endorse this stuff. Jesse James would be another terrific pitchman, they wouldn't even have to change the picture on the package. How about Tiki Barber, Santonio Holmes, Mike Vick, Kobe Bryant, Charlie Sheen, that guy from Girls Gone Wild, Billy Crudup, Isiah Washington, Roman Polanski. I could go on and on. OKAY, Eric Massa, Pee Wee Herman, George Michael, the principle from Ferris Bueller. Sadly, the list is endless.

Home Game

Where do I begin? How about with this!

Tiger Woods is douche. Singularly the worst person on the planet. I mean he really gives sociopaths a bad name. Mr. All-About-Change was more of an ass#@!& then ever this past week. It started with a 30 second ad for sneakers and went downhill from there.

The Nike Ad was pretty basic. Super tight, one shot with a High-def lens, striped of color and slowed to like 20 frames per second for dramatic effect. Oh and voice over work featuring Earl Woods telling Tiger to "Use the Force." If Tiger was any kind of a real person he would have punched the smarmy Nike exec that suggested USING his dead father to garner sympathy. I'm not kidding either. He should have literally leaped across the table and decked the person that brought it up. It's creepy, amoral and reprehensible. 

We'll never know his reaction to the initial pitch but we will always remember the ad as the perfect example of Tiger's willingness to USE anyone and anything for his own benefit. Nobody has said it yet, but didn't the national media and Red Sox fans kill Ted Williams' son for basically doing the same thing? The only difference is that Ted Williams' kid still hasn't made a nickel from sticking the Splendid Splinter's head in a freezer on a tuna fish can, while Tiger had to be paid scale for his work in the Nike ad. Don't ya think?

I'm not going to get on Tiger for his swearing on the course or the new sunglasses look. Nothing makes you more accessible than wearing sunglasses. But how about his press conferences and interviews. Wow, no wonder he picked The Masters for his first tournament of the year. Oh, and by the way, stop calling it a "comeback," it's not a comeback. A comeback implies that he was away from the game for reasons that were out of his control. He's just starting his season late because he felt bad that he got caught boinking a bunch of Porn Stars and Hookers. 

Which reminds me of another annoyance this weekend. If you didn't know anything about the Tiger Scandal and watched every single second of Tiger at the Masters you would've thought that he was making a comeback from his own cancer struggle, a gunshot wound,or  maybe a really bad case of the flu, but you would be completely unaware of what Tiger has actually been through. And for the record I would say that that list includes: excessive drug use, domestic violence, his personal knee specialist, Dr. Anthony Galea being under investigation for HGH, the loss of major sponsorships and...wait a minute, I know that there's something else...don't tell me...oh yeah, his requesting for inappropriate use of urine. [editor's note- if you are discussing the idea of purposely peeing on people (alliteration!) than you are a very angry person that hates women. Period, end of discussion. Lock 'em up!]

Not one question about any of those topics. Not one. CBS, ESPN and The Masters itself should be ashamed. Well maybe not CBS, mostly because they have none. Let's face it CBS has proven repeatedly that they are The Masters lap dog.But I had hoped ESPN would be up for the challenge. That organization considers itself the foremost authority on all things sports. 

I was encouraged when they picked Tom Rinaldi to follow Woods for the week. He did a nice job during that weird five minute exclusive a couple weeks back. He asked tough questions and put Tiger on the spot several times. We didn't get a lot out of it but at least he was trying. Instead Rinaldi went full schmaltz and gave us piece after piece about Tiger's march toward a fifth "Green Jacket."  With Pirate music accompaniment, you know because Tiger's such a swashbuckler. Playing in a Major Championship without the benefit of a tune up tournament. Five months without playing competitive golf. It's Ben Hoganesque.  What? No. Ben Hogan was in a car accident and many of the doctors thought that he wouldn't WALK again. Tiger was being treated for having the urge to pee on prostitutes. It's a little different.

During the press conference after the first round, someone asked if his first competitive round after the "long layoff" was special. Not only did he refused to acknowledge that his best opening round at Augusta ever, coupled with the warm reception of the fans made him feel good, but he also glowered at the reporter suggesting that he has the ability to FEEL... anything. I wonder if he's a cutter? 

Look I understand that guys like Tiger are successful because they have the ability to hyper focus on the task at hand, but why not acknowledge that posting a good score in the first round, and the fan support during it, meant more than a typical first round at The Masters? Allowing for emotions, that don't involve fist pumps, doesn't make you a weak person Eldrich...it makes you human.

The interview that took the cake was the one with Peter Kostis after the final round. Pathetic. First of all Kostis seems to be using one of Bill Shatner's used rugs, I mean why don't these guys call Sean Connery's wig fitter? And secondly I was less comfortable watching him ask Tiger questions than I was watching Kathy Ireland at the Oscars. 

The second comment Kostis made during the interview was really more of a gosh-Tiger-you're-so-great-I-can't-image-that-you-could-ever-lose kind or comment. He suggested that Tiger was playing without the same emotion and that that might have been why he lost. He was basically sucking up to the Cheetah, and yet Eldrich responded by saying that people were making too big a deal out of his lack of enthusiasm. 

Pretty benign right? Except that he had just finished his round. Why would Tiger even be aware of what the announcers were saying while he was playing? I mean he literally had JUST gotten of the course. Talk about rabbit ears, he had to have been following the telecast during the round. Um, really? That's just pathetic. Do you think Tom Brady checks in between drives to hear what Vern Lundquist is saying about him? How 'bout LeBron James? Does his nose get bent out of joint during a timeout because Jeff Van Gundy suggested he wasn't playing good defense? 

He had an opportunity to show the world a new side of Eldrich Woods during that brief interview and instead we got the same old Tiger. Angry, bitter, confrontational. Someone that thinks grace is the featured performer in the Champagne Room at the Rick's Cabaret.

Well, whatever. Nobody seems to care about this whole Tiger thing anyway, at least not in Augusta...or in Bristol, CT for that matter. Eventually it will come out that he has a prescription drug problem, that he was jacked up with HGH for the better part of a decade and that Elin is just waiting for the 5 o'clock whistle. Other than the win, Tiger got exactly what he wanted out of last weekend... a home game. 

Little Ben

So ESPN announced late last night that Ben Roethlisberger will NOT be charged with sexual assault. I decided when the accusations were made initially that I would reserve judgement until the case was resolved.

Well it looks like he didn't do anything wrong. According to sources, Milledgeville, GA District Attorney, Fred Bright, just didn't have enough to prosecute the 28-year old, two time Super Bowl winning Quarterback. In this twenty-four second news cycle, everyone LOVES to pile on the accused, especially if they are a celebrity. Long gone is the idea of innocent until proven guilty. Anyone remember the Duke Lacrosse team?

Having said that, Roethlisberger is guilty. Wait, what? You aren't standing behind the quarterback that brought the Steelers two Super Bowls after a twenty-six year drought? Nope, as Mike Singletary would say, Can't Do It. 

So what's he guilty of? Being an idiot. I don't know, how about bad judgement. Arrogance, entitlement, immaturity, selfishness, scumbagginess? Pick one. The bottom line is that he is an embarrassment and needs to be traded... Today. Before the draft.

Kevin Colbert, get Al Davis on the horn and send Ben to the Black Hole immediately. I waited twenty-six years between Super Bowls, the Steelers will be fine without him. Since I have been a Steelers fan the Steelers have made it to the AFC Championship more than 33% of the time. That's right, since 1974 the Steelers have played in the game leading up to the Super Bowl 14 times. Of the competitive teams in the NFL that's twice as many as the next best team. [editor's note- The Raiders have made it to 11, but are they really "competitive?"] 

If the front office is feeling bad about trading away their franchise Quarterback they could show their appreciation by having a Big Ben Night when he comes back to town. They could have it coincide with the next helmet give away, have Hooter's sponsor it and give him a custom Harley Davison. You know so there won't be any hard feelings.

J-Lo, Moody and Preggo- My review of The Back-Up Plan without seeing it

With Eldrich prepping to tee it up for the first time since Elin Pimped his Ride, my thoughts logically turn to Jennifer Lopez. I'm sorry I'm as interested as the next guy about The Cheetah's week at the Masters but until we get to the weekend it just isn't THAT exciting.

So back to J-Lo. I was enjoying the last episode of Lost, for the second time last night [editor's note- I'm a Desmond-is-the-ultimate-hero-of-the-show guy and so anytime it's a Desmond-centric episode you can mark me down for a minimum of three viewings. Am I a Geek? Maybe. Do I spend an inordinate amount of time watching TV? Perhaps. Do I hate people that ask and answer their own questions? Definitely.]


At any rate, there I was minding my own business, watching Lost and...ok, I'll admit it I got lazy. I didn't push pause on my TV when I got up to get a beer. I just let the show play like I was living in the last century. Well, one thing leads to another and suddenly I'm watching a commercial. It's been eight years, seven months and three days since I've watched a commercial, Steelers games and the Super Bowl not withstanding. But to make matters worse the commercial was for this Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy.

So there I was with my head in the refrigerator listening to J-Lo singing a cover of I'm Not Going To Write You a Love Song... I mean, the song sounded a lot like that song from Maid of Honor, you know the one with Patrick McDreamy? He played the roguishly handsome architect/doctor/carpenter, that is really well off financially,  has a wise cracking mother/agent/secretary, loves dogs, changes his shirt in the office, always dresses like he jumped off the pages of GQ, owns that killer house/condo/villa, is super neat, happens to be 45 years old, way into girls, a gourmet chef, single, definitely not gay, and juggles something. You know the movie, right? Well, now that I think about it maybe it wasn't a cover of that song at all.

But back to the J-Lo thing, in my fumbling for a bottle opener I watched the entire commercial of this latest outing, I think it's called She's Having 27 Leap Years. It appears as though the movie is going to be all about J-Lo being pregnant. Not getting pregnant mind you...BEING pregnant. God, what I wouldn't give to have been wooing a pregnant Jennifer Lopez.

The movie won't start with her preggers, there will be a long montage that consists of the worst possible dates imaginable. It'll be just like 40 Year Old Virgin only funnier. There'll be a guy that lives with his mom, someone that lives with thirty-five cats, a Lord of the Rings guy and even a brief cameo by Marc Anthony. I hope J-Lo says something like, "singers creep me out" when it happens. You know something inside (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). HiLARIOUS!

She'll ask her gay long time best friend to artificially inseminate her. Cue the spit take.

But right when you least expect it, and when I say that I mean that it will be EXACTLY when you expect it because it will be raining and she'll be sad because the fertility clinic will say, "I'm sorry Chloe/Izzie/Zoe/Apple... but there's always adoption." That person will most likely be played by Kristen Wiig. And then- Whammo- a really attractive British guy using his American accent will stumble into her life.

I must say that this movie is pretty refreshing in it's use of J-Lo's pregnancy as prime fodder for courtship. Because as anyone that has ever been involved in one knows, pregnancy oozes romance. No wait, that came out wrong...whoa, that's not what I meant either. What I was trying to say was it's definitely a bold move to center a romantic comedy around baby birthing. Because most guys, that don't need to be registered on special lists, LOVE dating women that are newly pregnant with someone else's baby. Totally believable.

Ok, before I get a bunch of e-mails and phone calls. I am not against pregnancy, nor am I against the idea of adoption, foster children, cloning or even consensual kidnapping (when done properly) but what I am against is insipid formulaic movies starring J-Lo.

The whole J-Lo thing is weird to me. She was well on her way to becoming a legitimate actress. No, I'm not joking. Look, no fan of Selena me, but she was very good in the 45 minutes I could take of that movie and she was terrific in U-Turn during the parts I wasn't wishing Sean Penn would become a permanent citizen of Venezuela. And, furthermore, I will have words with anyone that says that Karen Sisco, in Out of Sight, isn't one of the best female characters in any movie over the last twenty years. That movie is still Steven Soderbergh's best to-date and that has a lot to do with Jennifer Lopez.

But then she had to remember her roots, which oddly had nothing to do with her sleeping her way to the top or the memory that she got into the business as a Go-Go Dancer. No apparently getting back to her roots meant jump starting that singing career that somehow stalled when she was 13. Well, Jenny from the block begat a string of such auto-tuned classics as that song about her shoes, the one where she sang phonetically in Spanish and of course this new one from the movie that's bound to be a chart topper.

"But Trip, you're being unfair. You're talking about a major "A" List celebrity"

She's a celebrity, I'll give you that. But so is Kim Kardashian. Face it, she has done 20 movies and exactly none of them have ever made 100 million at the box office. The average take for a J-Lo movie? 40 million. Just so we're clear the Tooth Fairy and Legion have made more than that this year. Oh, you're familiar with The Rock movie but you've never heard of the other one? Well I guess that's the point isn't it?

This movie is terrible, if you want to watch a romantic comedy go rent anything with Cary Grant, start with the Philadelphia Story. And if that's not your bag watch anything with Sandy Bullock, she needs the mojo.

I have included the the official poster for The Backup Plan starring Jennifer and some other guy. It really tells the story. I'm not sure who the other guy is because he's a relative unknown and mostly because she is completely covering his face with her hand.  Well played Jenny, well played.

Play for the Redskins or the Raiders? Drink a Kale or Broccoli Milk Shake?

Let me get this straight, the Philadelphia Iggles sent Donovan McNabb to the Washington Napoleans for a 2nd round pick in this years draft, a 3rd or 4th in next years and a booster seat with the initials Daniel Snyder.


On the surface this appears to be a pretty fair deal for both sides, right? Wrong. When was the last time the Redskins made a good off-season transaction? Albert Haynesworth was such a monumental mistake that they tried to send him to Philly in the McNabb deal...and the Eagles opted for the 3rd or 4th in NEXT year's draft. Clinton Portis was pretty good, but Running Backs are a dime a dozen and the Napoleans gave up a shutdown Corner to get him. Brunell, Sanders, Smith, no, no, and no. I think the last truly successful football transaction made by the Redskins was when they picked up Riggo back in the day. Even Doug Williams was only good for one year

Sorry 'skins fans but until Shanahan proves otherwise, we have to assume that the Washington Redskins got taken in this deal. The next solid football decision Danny Snyder makes will be his first solid football decision. By the way and included Tom Cruise in the photo for scale.


The other aspect of this trade that I find disturbing is all the class McNabb has shown publicly. I mean what's with THAT? And was that, Eagles head coach, Andy Reid becoming choked up at the very thought of playing a season without number 5 during an interview on the Mike and Mike- In The Morning?

Didn't these people learn anything from Brett Favre during his decade long march to Retirement3.0? How can Kevin Kolb sit there during his press conference expect us to believe that Donovan McNabb was helpful and largely responsible for his development as a Quarterback and a man? Come on, what was Donovan thinking? Helping a young player develop? That's not how it works. If we have learned anything from Brett Favre over these last several years its that it is impossible to be a stand up guy the face of competition. You know the old saying, "It's always more important to look good, seem supportive and act down-to-earth, than it is to actually BE successful, supportive and down-to-earth."

I actually think that the McNabb-Favre connection is pretty strong. Besides the obvious loyalty stuff, if you were putting together the list of the greatest QB's of all-time they would be closer to each other than they would be to the top. Oh, keep it down. Anyone that has Brett Favre ranked in the top ten all-time is dumb and doesn't get to rank anything else every again.

Let's face it, if you strip away the "gunslinger" moniker from Favre, both he and McNabb will be remembered as highly successful signal callers that always played just well enough to lose the big game.

Don't get me wrong, I'm rooting for McNabb. No one has done more with less over the last ten years. Other than TO, McNabb has never had a  Pro Bowl receiver on his team. You know who had that same kind of support during his career?..John Elway. Of course Elway finally surrounded himself with enough talent to win a couple of Lombardi's at the end of his career. If only McNabb could somehow find the architect of those Denver teams.

Oh, that's right it was Mike Shanahan, and Elway was a year older than McNabb when Shanny took over the Donkey's. AND this time around Shanahan has not one Running Back but THREE solid Backs to choose from in Larry Johnson, Clinton Portis and, my personal favorite, Fast Willie Parker. You want to know something else? Washington has a pretty good defense, something Denver was lacking.

Maybe I need to reassess my position on this McNabb trade. Maybe, just maybe, Little Danny Snyder has finally figured out how to make solid football decisions for his-

NAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

If You Love KISS, Then You Have To Try Groin Punching

Oh, man Friday is going to be one of THOSE days. My beautiful wife has invited one of her closest friends over for dinner. She's awesome, funny, good looking, intelligent and might be married to the single most annoying person on the planet. Ugh, it's hard to even write about. I really can't put my finger on it, but there's just something "Off" about this guy. No wait a second of course I can put my finger on it. If I couldn't put my finger on it I wouldn't have started this little rant now would I? Come on...use your head people.

Anyway. Normally, when I know I'm having someone over that I can't talk to without wanting to stab myself in the ear with a spoon, I'll have a "primer." Oh, you know a quick stiff drink right before they get there to prime the ol' pump. Unfortunately this guy typically takes his three hour lunch at 10:30 in the morning and then knocks off for the day in time watch the end of General Hospital. So five'll get ya ten that he'll be six deep before he walks in the door. So much for the primer theory. 

Ahhrrghh. I just remembered that he's going to go on and on about the Yankees. You see he's a "Yankee" fan. Oh, yeah he's a Yankees fan alright...he's about as diehard as a Patriots "fan." I mean everybody knows that Patriots "fans," as a group, are the biggest band wagon jumping, Tom Brady loving sycophants on the planet, right? That's a given. In fact, it says here that, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, 93.4% of all Patriots fans think Drew Bledsoe was the first Quarterback in franchise history, know Craig James as the father of the kid that got that coach fired at Texas Tech and that John Hannah signed the Declaration of Independence for Rhode Island.  

Well with that as the bench mark this guy, let's call him Will Byers, makes Pats fans look like Red Sox fans pre-2004. Let me put it this way Will's favorite Yankee is A-Rod and we'll leave it at that.

But it doesn't end there, you know the old saying, "the older I get, the better I was?" I HATE that saying. Ever time somebody uses that saying, or one just like it, the person saying it does so as though they have just discovered a new color. Look, Mark...Twain, why don't you put down Poor Richard's Almanac and get me a beer. Those kinds of sayings should only be used on birthday cards (preferably given to you by your ne'er-do-well Uncle on your mother's side) and bumper stickers.

Having said that, to hear Willy tell it he was the best Point Guard in New York without exception...well... outside of the City. I mean, technically, west of the Hudson River...er- actually west of Utica...and south of Lake Placid, no make that Watertown. South of Watertown, and west of Utica, but definitely no further west then Oneida. But right in that stretch between the years of 1972 and 1974, among men the ages 16 to 19, that were enrolled in Catholic School, slick Willy was the best. 

It's not that I don't believe him it's just that... Well he's so darn short...and slow...with very little hand-eye coordination. Look, I don't have a problem with short people, especially when they sit in front of me at movies, but in Basketball you have to be either really, really tall or a super talented athlete. There is just no other way to compete at the highest level of High School Basketball in the Leatherstocking Region of Upstate New York. 

Is our hero a good athlete? Good question, well let me put it this way, he recently tore his rotator cuff... PUTTING ON FACE PAINT... FOR A KISS CONCERT. What, oh, didn't I mention that he's a KISS fan? Are you sure? Oh, that's my fault. This guy is a member of the KISS Army,in fact I think he's a Private First Class. 

Pop Quiz, which is worse, being in the KISS Army and having a rank of Private First Class or making it to a Full Bird Colonel? No, I'm afraid the correct response was Milli Vanilli.

KISS...huh...it's surprising more bands haven't gone the way of clown paint as their hook. No, wait a second there's the Insane Clown Posse and Boy George and, of course, ACTUAL clowns. So that's something. I wonder why Jimmy Page or John Lennon never put on those eight inch heels. I'll bet Clapton is kicking himself.

Well, wish me luck.

As Per Request, I'll Let Future On-line Observations Last Seven DAY!