By the way, I do enjoy hearin from all of you but feel free to use the comments to voice your displeasure with me.

Now if you don't mind I need to keep showing this house.

No, no, no, no! It's not a leak, it's passive watering system... environmentally friendly and all that. Leo DiCaprio has something similar in his place. Very green.

Point of Order

In the interest of clarification I do not agree with national notable blowhards, like Peter King, when they say that the NFL should step in regarding late season tank jobs. On the contrary, teams that position themselves to make the playoffs with a week or two left in the season should do whatever they think is in the best interest of their franchise.

There is no whining if you team doesn't make it in to the playoffs because the Colts play someone named Curtis Painter or the Bungals start JT OSullivan. If your team doesn't make the playoffs it's their fault. Win more.

My point is that if you are interested in winning the Super Bowl keep your foot on the gas, go for the jugular, keep feeding the beast, a stitch in time saves nine.

The facts are the facts, teams that ease off on the throttle lose in the playoffs. Look it up. The Giants had nothing to play for two years ago and put forth such a heroic effort, against a team that many feel was the best of the decade (mostly the aforementioned blowhard and Belicheat Sychophant Peter King), that they proved to themselves that they could win the Super Bowl in a loss.

Go back to the Ninties. Ask the Broncos whether they preferred going hard throughout or resting their starters during those meaningless games.

Mark this down, NO team that mails it in this weekend will win the Super Bowl.

Momentum

When I sat down to write my latest entry this morning I was basking in the warm glow another late season swoon from the gun toting-wrangler wearing-gray beard. This time at the hands of Jay-eff George Cutler and that potent Bears offense. I was planning on killing Brett's selfishness and how it is killing the 3rd seeded Vikings but then I listened to the post game analysis.

These jokers spend more time covering up bad decisions than Bill Clinton's press secretary.  "The Vikings may have lost but Brett Favre is showing that he is in mid-season form and ready for a big playoff push." Really? He didn't score enough for his team to win. I mean that IS still how we determine a winner and a loser, right? The team that scores more wins. Am I right? Anyone, anyone, Bueller. And these rocket scientists were the same core group that said, "The Colts pulled their starters with a 15-10 lead, which will help to position the team for a deep run in the playoffs." Oh, I see. What they are trying to tell us is losing late in the season is a necessary step in a championship season. Right, got it....WRONG!

"You play to win the game."

Football is the most precise team sport in the world, sorry curling fans. Dialing it in does not better prepare your team for the playoffs and neither do late season losses that cost you first round byes.

I was critical when Belicheat waved the white flag by pulling Tom Bundchen and the Boys with over five minutes to go (here) earlier this season and I fully supported Mike Tomlin's decision to play Big Ben in the meaningless regular season final last season where he received, you guessed it, another concussion. Football is a game that forces you to go all out all the time because the teams that win the Super Bowl are ALWAYS the teams that are completely in-sync.

Momentum is one of the most over used words in sports. There is an ebb and flow to all sports that centers on confidence and precision. In hockey "momentum" comes in the form of a short quirky goal tender that can do splits while wearing 40-lbs. of equipment. The old saying in baseball is that momentum is only as good as tomorrows starting pitcher. And Basketball is basically a 40-minute phone-it-in-a-thon leading up to the final eight minute kick start where the ebb and flow of the game is entirely predicated on the referee's standing with his bookie (here).

Football is different. In no other sport do you have to rely on eleven individuals to work in unison, in three-phases, for 60 minutes. Any one of those phases falters and it can cost you a championship.

The only time that the Indy Colts have won the Super Bowl they had to play their way into the playoffs and into the Wild Card round. Every time they have had a bye they have lost. Oh, and please don't tell me that the Colts won Super Bowl V, I know they did but that was the Baltimore Colts they did so with a rookie idiot kicker and two guys from the Cowboys were named MVP, they were an entirely different team.

Peyton is all about timing and you don't help your timing by holding a clipboard.

In fact this decade has only seen one #1 seeded team win a Super Bowl, 2003 Patriots. That team won the final 11 games leading to the last game of the season and instead of pulling the starters Belicheat sent out the first stringers to dismantle the Bills 31-0 in a totally meaningless game.

More to the point of the nine teams that have won the Super Bowl this decade eight of them did so while playing hard through the final five games of the season. The only team that mailed one in was the Tampa Bay Bucs in 2002, where they started Rob Johnson. Of course that team won the Super Bowl because of a stifling defense. I mean I could have started at Quarterback and they still would have won.

Jim Caldwell really didn't learn anything from Tony Dungy's mistakes, in fact I think that by definition he is insane. You know the whole repeated behavior and expecting different results thing. The Colts are destined to lose early and the Vikings are just bad.

There is a silver lining for those teams however, because this year they play the Pro Bowl the week before the Super Bowl. So it's not like media darlings Brett and Payton won't have an opportunity to settle the on going raging debate over "Greatest Quarterback" in history (Regular Season Category) on the field...it's just going to take place in a meaningless game.

Then we can get on to the trivial stuff like who's the best team in football.

I Told You So

Wait a second Brett Favre is beginning to grumble in Minnesota? Nooo, say it ain't so.

In case you missed it, Brett Favre came out after the blowout loss to the Matt Moore led Carolina Panthers and told the world about a sideline conversation he had with his head coach. You can watch the presser here.

Favre, oddly putting himself ahead of the team, felt it was important to share this one-on-one conversation with the world. I don't want to call the gunslinging-wrangler-wearing-graybeard selfish...so I'll call him self-esque. Isn't this EXACTLY the kind of thing that should be handled internally?

"But wait, Trip. If it is handled internally nobody would ever know that the conversation took place and why is that a good thing?...Oh, because it doesn't risk dividing the locker room...and I guess it doesn't make the coach look bad in front of the entire team...and I guess there's the whole professionalism aspect...NEVERMIND."

This is exactly why the Vikings won't win the Super Bowl. Favre can't help it, he is what he is...a prima donna. It's like that documentary, by Werner Herzog, about the nut job that lived with Grizzly Bears. This guy rolled around in bear piss, growled at the bears, fed the bears and everything seemed to be going along smoothly until suddenly the Grizzlies remembered that they were 800 lbs. bears and ate him. Favre is the bear. Childress really thought that he had trained this guy into becoming the second coming of Joe Montana. No interceptions, lots of touchdown passes, and a plesure to work with on and off the field. I'm not sure of it but a source told me that Childress uses those blue urinal cakes as deodorant.

It was only a matter of time. Asking Favre to be selfless is like asking Tiger to be faithful to one mistress. [editor's note- Is it just me or is it maybe the funniest thing ever that the Cheetettes seem appalled that they weren't the ONLY one, other than his wife I mean. Genuinely upset that Tiger was catting around with other mistresses. The Today Show, Good Morning America, et al seem to give side with this premise. They actually position themselves as sympathetic to these whores',  excuse me, sluts' plight.]  

I wouldn't trade Favre for a long snapper...by the way the Steelers really need one because Greg Warren tore his ACL on the PAT to win the game yesterday.

I can't wait until Brett's final pass of the season is caught by the OTHER TEAM.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas...

My True Love gave to me

Four Avatar Duckets, Three Chiming Bells, Tim Duncan Love and a "Team Tiger" reversible tee.

I live in Western New York and sometimes the weather can really be weird. I find that our weather can cause unexpected delays and postponements. I don't know if this happens where you live, but sometimes after a major storm front blows through or the day after, say, an opening day midnight showing of a highly anticipated movie, they can call for a "Snow Day." And when I say "they" I mean, of course, "I" can call for a "Snow Day."

Such a phenomenon occurred today. A "Snow Day" was declared and my wife and kids are currently sleeping through it with visions of ten foot tall ThunderSmurfs dancing in their heads.

Ok, so I'll admit blowing off school so that my kids could see Avatar in the 3-D Imax Experience, at midnight, probably won't get me on the short list for parent of the year, but in my defense the movie was AWESOME!

I'm not going to do a traditional movie review thing, but suffice it to say, Avatar delivers the goods. It looks great, the story is solid, Zoe Saldana was terrific and Sam Worthington is the next big thing in Hollywood. But lets not kid ourselves, the technology is the thing.

The technology used in this movie blows everything that has come before out of the water. It's absurd. I used to work for a wonderful man named Ralph Winter, producer of all of the X-Men movies, and he told me in 1994 that Jim Cameron will aways be three years ahead of everybody else technologically. He was right then and he still is today.

Jim Cameron, a notorious pain in the ass, has consistently pushed the CGI envelope. The Abyss, T-2, True Lies and Titanic all ushered in new technology to the world of film. But technology for technology sake doesn't work. He doesn't get bogged down by CGI. He tells a simple traditional story and uses cool fancy gadgets to make it look cool. The one thing you can always count on in his films is a central character on the "hero's journey." The dialog isn't ever going to be confused with Tarantino or Mamet. That's why his films are always saddled with criticisms about the simplicity of his scripts. Too many catch phrases and monosyllabic banter, like "I'll be back." Guilty on all counts but remember that he isn't mimicking Michael Bay, Michael Bay is mimicking him. Cameron was using those cheesy lines before anybody else and while he doesn't deserve an Oscar for his writing, his movies are always entertaining.

But back to the technology. We have all seen how CGI can get in the way, it ruined the last installment of Indy (I mean gophers, really?) and it made the Star Wars Prequels completely lifeless. In both of those cases George Lucas was so amped up about using CGI that he completely forgot why the orginial versions of those movies worked. Raiders and Star Wars seemed real and in most cases were shot practically, with a simple story and characters that audiences cared about. [editor's note- I just watched this it is essentially seven, ten minute reviews of Phantom Menace. Actually I only saw the first two, they are pretty funny and strangely accurate. It explains the flaws in those pieces of deuce rather well. And you will laugh out loud.] 

In Avatar Jim Cameron has Jake Sully doing the hero's journey  duties and I would care about Zoe Saldana if she was reading the yellow pages. But most importantly he uses the 3-D Tech to slowly bring you into this new world. There aren't any comin' at ya' explosions, animals don't jump into your lap and nobody swings a latter out over the audience. In fact the best use of the 3-D is exists during the quiet moments. Circling the space station, exploring Pandora's rain forest and even the jelly fish-like seeds that bounce around the screen. My personal favorite were the tiny mosquitoes that flutter beneath the canopy, but that's because it has always been a pet peeve that nobody ever deals with mosquitoes in movies. I mean those things are a pain in the neck...literally. How many movies have there been where people just sort of jaunt through the jungle wearing nothing and not so much as a buzzing sound, right? It's ridiculous.

Anyway, you need to see the movie for yourself it will eventually be one of the top three grossing movies ever. I recommend finding the closest IMAX Theater and getting a center seat. By the way I took my two boys, both under ten and they loved it so much that they watched it again during their Snow Day...it's strange the roads are super deep and icy on the way to school but the roads to the theater? Not so much. I mentioned before that the weather here is weird, right?

On the Third Day of Christmas...

My true love gave to me...

Three Chiming Bells, Tim Duncan Love and a "Team Tiger" reversible tee.

Allow me, if you will, a slightly more personal rant. I know that this may come across as slightly self-indulgent but-

"Everything you do is self-indulgent. That's what a blog is you pampas @$!"

Ooookay. Fair enough...Allow me to CONTINUE to be self-indulgent. I live in a small village in Western New York. It's the kind of sleepy little hamlet, located on the Erie Canal, that has a train running through it and a working dairy farm. It's the kind of place where they shut down the streets for the Little League, Homecoming and Memorial Day Parades. Where people paint each other's fences because they need it and where you will always find a piping hot apple pie resting on your window sill.

I recently discovered that the vestry of one of our local churches agreed to silence its church’s bells between the hours of 11 PM and 7 AM because of a single complaint. This is disappointing not only because the bells have been an important part of the fabric of my community for almost one hundred and fifty years, but because the decision to placate one individual was made without any investigation as to the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of the members of the church or the other villagers. For 141 years nobody had a problem with these hourly chimes, little Ms. Gets-Everything-She-Wants-Veruca-Salt moves into the village and WHAMMO no more bells.

When I asked some of the vestry members why they came to they came to this decision I was told that it was the “neighborly thing to do.” Really? Arbitrarily placating one neighbor is the neighborly thing to do?

And the neighborhood is not limited to the one house next to the church there are five or six other houses that are equidistant from the church and they weren't asked their opinion on the matter. And what of the other members of the village? None of the other villagers were asked either. Nor were the members of the church solicited. How can a organization hide behind a word like neighborly when they didn't take the neighbors into consideration. And I would submit that the very idea that someone would move into a community and insist that a peaceful tradition like church bells be changed, altered or ended, in order to suit their personal desires, is also rather unneighborly.

The vestry made a knee jerk reaction to a complaint without investigating the issue. The idea of changing a 141 year old tradition should have called for that and consideration should have been given to the village and the church's membership. If that consideration was given and the vestry still felt the need to silence the bells, I would have been disappointed but the decision would have been made with all of the information.

As a villager I love the bells. It is an essential part of Village life and part of the ambient noise that also includes midnight trains, traffic and the occasional late night revelers from some of our local watering holes.

Church bells are used as a call to worship, a method of exaltation, and can be found in every major religion. But the hourly bells are much more than a marker of the time, they are a reminder of our community, be it parochial or secular. The stories of weary travelers hearing the bells of a church in the wee hours of the morning are too numerous to mention. The importance of the bells in those stories has nothing to do with the telling of time, they are a mechanism used to remind people that there is a safe haven for each of us. That, as alone as we may feel, we are each a member of a Church, a Village and a Community. It is during those times when the world seems the darkest that we need the bells the most.

This issue is a perfect example of where our country is failing. Long gone are the days when people would stand united to defend the principles and beliefs that they share. It's easier to cow to the person that complains the loudest. Placating is the easy answer, the path of least resistance. It is the reason that there aren't Christmas Trees in schools or Menorahs in front of Town Halls. Cave in, oil the squeaky wheel and hope that they don't complain about those insipid Wedding Bells.

On the Second Day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

TIM DUNCAN LOVE!

The AP just released it's list of the Athletes of the Decade. As was the case with The Wilt Chamberlain Frequent Flyer Award, Tiger Woods topped the list. Don't worry this isn't going to be another Pinata Woods piece.

The also rans for the honor were Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer and Michael Phelps. So to some up the best athletes on the planet were a golfer, a bicyclist, a tennis player and a swimmer. The very best. Athletes. In the WORLD...really?

Raise your hand if you went to a high school where an athlete in any if those sports was considered the best athlete. Am I wrong or did everyone that ever excelled at any of those sports first fail make the football, basketball or baseball teams?

Don't think about it for too long, you know I am right. You don't even have to be in very good shape to play golf. In fact most of you drink when you play and half of you smoke.

I'll give you that the other three might be in the best shape of anyone in the decade but do you really think Lance Armstrong is an athlete? Come on, Lance grew up in Texas and took up riding a bike. You don't think that it is at least possible that he got tired of getting cut from the football team and found it humiliating being the team "manager"? What better way to keep from getting your ass kicked than to learn how to ride a bike really, really fast.

Michael Phelps looks awkward smoking pot, how good could he possibly be at something that takes eye-hand coordination? If he was any kind of athlete he would have won the gold in water polo. At least Matt Biondi did that.

As for Mr. Federer, please don't tell me that my Xenophobia is acting up again because he couldn't even make it as a soccer player in Switzerland. That's like not being good enough to make the Jamaician Bobsled Team.

Sorry folks, Tim Duncan is the Athlete of the Decade. He plays a real sport and has won multiple World Titles despite playing with someone from France.

On the First Day of Christmas...

My true love gave to me, a "Team Tiger" reversible tee.

Nah, just kidding, I hate that guy and apparently so do many of you., It was announced today that Tiger has taken the biggest nose dive in the history of the Q-Rating. For the uninitiated a person's Q-Rating, or favorablility rating, determines your worth with the general public. It is a rating system that determines where sponsorship dollars go. Tiger Woods, as the first billionaire athlete, had a higher favorability rating than anyone...ever. People like Tom Hanks and Angelina Jolie are too liberal to stay with Tiger. And sports personalities are too polarizing because of the legions of fans that root against players like Tom Brady and Derek Jeter.

Tiger had it all, he, along with Oprah and Obama, is the most successful high profile minority in the history of the United States and he did so by dominating the most country club elitest sport this side of Polo. Conservatives and Liberals can't agree on anything except for their universal love for Tiger Woods.

Unfortunately Tiger likes to spread his "universal love"...to EVERYone. This single act of stupidity, and when I say single I mean of course multiple acts with hundreds of people spread out over the better part of a decade, has led to the single biggest free fall since The Depression. No, not THIS depression. The one with the Shanty Towns and the Orphanages...you know, the one from Annie, THE Depression.

Think about it, Tiger's face plant is bigger than Bill Clinton, David Letterman, O.J. Simpson, Ray Lewis, Roman Polanski and Milli Vanilli combined.

Bill Clinton and David Letterman each gave new meaning to the term "doing it for the kids" by teaching young interns how things work in the real world. And by real world I can only assume they mean the long running MTV show where people drink like the Kennedys and sleep around like, uh, well the Kennedys.

Letterman, thanks to an alleged threat of extortion, got out in front of his indiscretion by making uncomfortable jokes about his creepiness. While Slick Willie tried to deny everything, but in the end fell on the sword and asked for forgiveness.

 "I did not have sexual relations with that girl, Miss Lew- wait what? On her dress? Ooohh, COMEON! Who does that? Did she think it was a Petri Dish? Ok, I made some mistakes and I would like to apologize to the American Public because I'm a man...with NEEEEEDS. And after my term ends I have to spend the rest of my life with she who shan't be named. Can you FEEL MY pain?"

In both cases they bounced back and continued right where they left off. Letterman actually benefitted in the ratings and everyone knew Clinton was a horndog. Clinton has regained his stature to such a degree that he was the go to person when we were trying to save those stranded desperate girls from North Korea. Think about THAT. Can you imagine some official government type knocking on your door and telling you not to worry Bill Clinton is going to rescue your teenage daughter from some terrorists crazy Despot looking to rule the world. It's like a James Bond movie right?

O. J. was almost completely off the radar when he killed Nicole and Ron and he had a history of violence, so it wasn't like he was making Rent-a-car commercials a the time. Ray Lewis is more popular today then he was before he was accused of murder. And, Roman Polanski has been collecting Oscars and Lifetime Achievement awards during his vacation in France ever since he was convicted of rape. All three of tese guys felt no long term effects from their scandals.

I have no doubt that Tiger will regain many of his sponsors, much the way that Kobe did. He will come on Oprah, tell the world that he is a Sex Addict and his Q-Rating will bounce back. But he will never again be what he was. He will not be asked to host an event at an Inauguration. He won't be asked to speak about Human Rights in Korea. Organizations that depend on credibility, honest and professionalism won't come back around because no matter what he does he will be remembered for this past two and a half weeks.

He might as well embrace his true seedy self. Own it. Don't apologize for the behavior, don't pretend to be "working through" your problems. Please don't tell us you are going to try and patch things up with Elin. It's stupid and nobody will ever believe it. Become the villain. Embrace the black hat. Let Phil carry the mantle for awhile. Go the other way. That would be the most interesting thing he could do, but it won't happen because he has conditioned himself to being something that he's not for so long he actually believes he deserves to be the good guy. A role he believes he is entitled to...not unlike Roger Clemens.

[editor's note- It was reported today that Tiger Woods might have a professional relationship with this guy. I'm sure it's nothing, just coincidental. I mean sure Tiger looks to have gained a hat size or two since 1996 but Tiger wouldn't use performance enhancers, right?]

Anyway, don't feel bad for The Cheetah, like all cats, he will land on his feet and he will become the greatest golfer of all-time.

The only difference will be the lack of deference.

While Playboy is readying its LADIES OF TIGER double issue, Gammons is leaving ESPN...sport Gods giveth and taketh away

Just Call Me Scoop

This whole blogging thing works like magic. Apparently, if you are really good the Blog Fairy comes down and blesses you with a scoop on the number one story in America, maybe the world. What a sad state of affairs that the US is running two wars, the global economy is in the toilet, Dubai may have to push back its Superhero Themed Amusement Park and the biggest story in the world is Tiger Woods.

Well I just got word, from the same source that sent me the excerpts from the Tim Donaghy tell-all (which you will hear all about on 60-Minutes this Sunday),  that the 911 call was made by none other than Ken Griffey Jr. Apparently, El Tigre was over at Junior's house for a friendly game of Poker. Poker? I hardly knew her. Of course, it HAD to be Poker. As I mentioned in the previous blog everything in this story has a double entendre.

Anyway, while Tiger was over at Ken Griffey's house playing cards with the boys, Elin was using the time to check his phone, e-mails and texts. Obviously she saw something, or several volumes of something, that she didn't like and stayed up to greet him...with one of his custom made Nike Long Irons.

This fills in a few gaps and unanswered questions in this whole story. Thanks to my trusty source we now know why Tiger was up at 2:30 in the morning, why the neighbor would have heard a 20-mph car accident and why Tiger sounded like such a douche in those texts. Ok, well, it doesn't explain the last one, but you have to admit that he really does come off as that nerdy kid in high school that is WAY more confident than he should be because his parents bought him a Beamer and are away for the weekend. You know what I mean? I mean, who gets amped up reading those texts? Other than that whore elegant woman that is really just another victim in this whole story. Other than her...and the night club manager who's all bitter that someone stole her spotlight...or the waitress in Vegas...

Well, until my NEXT scoop I'll just sign off.  Good night, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea

Lamberts and Tigers and Vamps, Oh My!

I think that the good people at Butterball are stuffing something other than Tryptophan into their turkeys. There is just no other explanation for the last several days.

1. Someone named Adam Lambert got bumped from Good Morning America for kissing a dude on TV. Doesn't Mr. Lambert know that that kind of depravity is only acceptable on highly rated television shows like Brothers and Sisters. I'm glad ABC and GMA stuck to their guns on this one and replaced Adam with that good old all-American poster boy, Chris Brown. Yeah, THAT makes a lot of sense. It's like I have always said, everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, unless your gay because we can't tolerate that kind of behavior. Well, unless its girls kissing, because that's kind of hot, even if the other "girl" is seventy-three.

2. Can someone explain the whole Twilight thing to me. First of all I thought that Vampires burst into flames in direct sunlight. What, did they figure out a way to bathe in zinc? What's next, I suppose you're going to tell me that garlic and crucifixes don't work and that vampires are really misunderstood James Dean types that happen to be really good at baseball.

And what's with this franchise taking over the local Cineplex? I tried to take my kids to the theater the other day to watch some movie with Nicholas Cage doing the voice over work for an otter, [editor's note- The next casting director that thinks Nic Cage would be perfect for the voice of a rodent, dog, or scientist can NEVER do casting for anything...ever.] anyway, I tried to take my boys to the movies and they had shut down the theater because a group of MILT's had rented out the place to watch Kristen Stewart brood. That's Mother's In Love with Twilight, if you're scoring at home. These were 40-year old women standing in line to watch some kid, that can't legally drive a night, take his shirt off. Creepy, no? They should be ashamed of themselves. Most of those women were obviously old enough to remember the great Senator of Massachusetts Ted Kennedy because they were wearing an old political t-shirt claiming to be on Team Edward. It's creepy and lecherous. I mean that would be like, wait a second. How old is Megan Fox? Or no, the other girl in the Transformers Movie how old is she? OoooK, um. Wow, really? Well it's like I was saying, nineteen. Nineteen should be the cut-off. Yeah,  because that would mean I was a sophmore in college when. Eew, wait a second... Carry the one...hmmm. Aaaaanyway, moving on.

3. I never thought I would say this but, thank God for Sandy Bullock. Playing the part originally written for Goldie Hawn in 1986, Ms. Bullock came along with that movie about a homeless simpleton that learns how to play football properly when his adopted mother explains the game to him by emasculating him in front of his friends, coaches and teammates. I can't believe I was rooting for a movie about a guy on the Ravens, but I just can't have those Lamepires breaking box office records. As much as I was rooting for The Blind Side it is no Fighting Back: The Rocky Bleier Story. I'll take Robert Urich all day long.

4. Reality Shows need to loosen their standards and let these wannabes do their own shows before somebody gets hurt. Just weeks after the Balloon Boy parents-of-the-year story, two more Reality Show Losers, which is REALLY saying something, crash the White House State Dinner. Are you kidding me? In both cases these nut jobs really showed the producers of the potential reality shows that they had made a huge mistake, by doing something even whackier than their purposed shows. Look it's fun or cool or whatever that Michaele and Tariq Salahi made it passed the various check points and made it into the Dinner, but I would prefer that our President actually be insulated from ever having contact with people that weren't good enough from Real Housewives of Anywhere. I feel dumber for knowing anything about these people and our country can't afford that right now.

5. The story of the weekend, and probably the next 12 months, belongs to Tiger Woods, his wife Elin and that whoreiffic night club "Manager" Rachel Uchitel. First of all, Tiger needs to find other interests. Everything in this story involves golf. Granted he's gotten him self into trouble all year with bad lies and poor driving but this is ridiculous. Tiger should know better. The one thing about golf is that it is the only sport where you police yourself. Cheating is not tolerated, and players often turn themselves in to the officials. Come to think of it that is probably exactly what happened the other night. Unfortunately, Tiger has lived such a sheltered life that he probably thought Elin was just going to penalize him a stroke or two and call it a day. There are just too many ways to go on this thing. Playing in the Rough, changing sponsors because he found his game works better when someone else works on his Shaft, a million and one Hole jokes, Elin's Back Swing, Drive, Driver, Driving, Shank, Hook, Slice, Plug, Ball, Stadler, Flag Stick, Wedge, Trap, Out-of-Bounds, Strokes, Score, Woosnam, Score Card, Club, Clubbing, Hide the Gopher, Bite, Spin, Fade...too...many...words...golf...is...dirty.

I was going to try and work a few more puns about "Clubbing" or Tiger having a wicked slice in there but my head started to hurt. Turns out these exercise induced headaches are just the effects of a mild concussion I received last weekend. You know I really thought that I could finish this post. [an Actual Editor's Note- Tiger just announced that he isn't going to show up for his own Golf Tournament. Poor form El Tigre. You HAVE to make it to that. He's getting bad advice]

Oh, well you live and learn.

Come On Guys, It's 54:30 or Fight

What was that? Really benching Brady, Welker AND Moss with over five minutes left. What happened to the the Bill Belichick that condescendingly taught us in 2007 that there is "no such thing as running up the score" because you have to play to win for the full 60 minutes. Was there some little caveat that we didn't read? Perhaps a nuance that we missed during one of his informative press conferences? I mean those things are less animated than the Royal Guard.

Please don't tell me that I would have been giving him a hard time if any one of those guys got hurt. I wouldn't, because I didn't have a problem when Tomlin ran Roethlisberger against the Browns last year in a meaningless game and he got a concussion jeopardizing the Steelers run, to what ended up being a 6th Super Bowl. I didn't complain then so give me a break.

Bottom line, Belicheat QUIT. Period end of discussion and anyone that spins it any other way is full of it. He went for it on 4th and 2 because he would NEVER give up; He plays to win; Nobody takes as many chances as the Little Tuna right? WRONG! Turns out that he isn't a 60 minute man, which might explain the two divorces. It's got to tweak Billy knowing that if the Colts only played hard for 54:30 they would have 4 losses this year.

Man the Patriots look to be in real trouble...oops, wait I forgot, Belichick is a genius.

Things to be Thankful For

This is where I take time to mention how thankful I am for my family, friends and loved ones. Don't get me wrong I am lucky to have a beautiful wife whom I seem to have snowed into thinking I am the love of her life, two amazing kids that bring pleasure to me in new and amazing ways on a daily basis and a list of friends and family that have enriched my life for almost four decades.

But that's not what I am thankful for today. Nope, today I am thankful for the following.

My IPhone. This allows me to look busy when I am bored with a conversation while I look up the latest news about my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Pittsburgh Steelers. How lucky am I to have grown up a Steelers fan? Since I first hopped on the bandwagon, in 1976, the Black and Gold have won more Super Bowls than any other team and have been in the AFC Championship Game every third year. And if you happen to share my love for the Steelers fear not, for the Rocket Rashard and Big Ben will lead them back to the playoffs and they will once again vie for a berth into the Super Bowl.

I'm thankful for GPS. This probably saves me 1000 miles a year. My hands free phone in the car and voice recognition software in my Ford Edge.

Oh this is tedious. Here's the list:

Blu-Ray, Hi-Def, Sirius Satelitte Radio, DVR, IMAX, IPods, Xbox, DirectTV, NFL Network, ESPN Radio, Howard Stern, The Wrap Up Show, You Tube, Wikipedia, The Afternoon Blitz or whatever Tim Ryan And Pat Kirwan call their radio show, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Castle, Rescue Me, Iconoclasts, 30 for 30 except the USFL one, College Gameday, Jim Wexell's Thoughts from a Notebook, College Football, Bill Hillgrove, Tunch Ilkin and Craig Wolfley calling Steelers games, PTI, MLB Playoffs, the Sunday NY Times Crossword, Games Magazine, 500 Days of Summer, Star Trek, The Hangover, the montage from UP, Inglorious Basterds, Phinneus and Ferb, Paul Newman movies, The Beatles, the Sports Reporters except for Lupica, Lost, Mad Men, Battlestar Gallactica, Disney World, Laserquest, Canada, lakes you can drink straight from, wooden canoes, axes, chopping wood, real wood burning fires, Carhart anything, locally made icecream, Kombucha especially grape, cheeseburgers, Pontillos Pizza, bacon, stuffing, chili, Honeycrisp Apples, quiche, Henrietta's meatpies, cold beer, good scotch, Champagne, made up Snow Days, dogs in general, and anything having to do with Santa Claus.

I can do without everything else.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bitter and Ignored

Congratulations to The Hangover guys for being named the GQ Men of the Year. That movie was awesome. Those guys really had a great chemistry from beginning to end and I really enjoy- Whoa, wait second. Where's the other guy? No, I know who Zack Galifianakis is. [editor's note- he hosts the greatest talk show ever. See it here.] I'm talking about the fourth guy, the guy that was getting married. You know, he was the funny sidekick/computer hacker with Nicholas Cage in National Treasur- er, I mean I'm looking up his resume on IMDB.com and...yes, it says here that he was in a movie called National Treasure and, it's follow up, National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. Not that I have seen nor enjoyed the National Treasure series, I'm just reading about it here...on this website...called imdb...it stands for internet movie datab- oh, NEVER MIND!

How much does that have to suck, you get cast in a movie that absolutely hits a nerve with the movie going public and when GQ calls they ask for all of the guys from the movie...except you. That's got to hurt. And I can almost guarantee that he is sitting in a small rented house in Silver Lake stewing over the snub. The only thing that is going to sting more is when they do a sequel and replace him with the smirky guy from The Office.

Another person that is currently working the phones is the Teacher from Glee. I have never seen this movie, oh, it's a television program. Ohhhh, you see I wouldn't know because I have never seen that show, with all of the singing and the dancing. I am usually working out- er, I mean working on my car. Yep, that's what I'm usually doing. Working on the car, looking under the hood, at the, uhh, shocks, struts, whatnot. Because I definitely have NEVER seen Glee....

...Anywho, that Justin Timberlake wannabe has got to be screaming at his agent as we speak because he is getting absolutely no run whatsoever. Meanwhile all of those thirty year olds playing high schoolers are singing at the World Series, making appearances on Late Night Talk Shows, and hawking their Season One: The One with all of the Karaoke hit CD. Five will get you ten that he walks in a contract dispute over the summer.

You know who has every right to be bitter right now, Jenna Elfman. That loon signed up for The L. Ron Hubbard Fan Club thinking that it was her golden ticket into the Hollywood Elite. It had to look like a pretty good idea at the time. It was the late nineties, John Travolta was at the peak of his second wave, Kirstie Alley was still recognizable and on TV, and Sonny Bono was taking down the establishment in DC, and when I say taking down the establishment I mean, of course, that he was passing legislation as a Conservative Republican Senator.

It was a no brainer for Jenna, all she had to do was dedicate herself to finding her inner Thetan and bring along another "successful" actress. Fortunately for Ms. Elfman she had Leah Remini in tow, talk about finding a loop hole in the system. Come on, Leah Remini, what Tootie wasn't available?

Well Scientology isn't what it used to be, it doesn't help to have a figure head like Tom Cruise, he's just creepy. Elfman is married to someone named Bodhi, who isn't a bank-robbing-surfer, and is on the second best Cougar show on TV. And let me tell you, if you are coming in behind Cougar Town, in any kind of ranking system, it's O-V-E-R.

But the person that takes the cake is none other than Ed McMahon. Ed was the good solider on the Tonight Show for thirty years, many of them sober ones. He was constantly the butt of Johnny's jokes, he was moved out of frame once a guest arrived on the couch, he lost all of his money to ex-wives, bad business deals and gas money on the Publisher Clearing House Sweepstakes Prize Patrol and he even had to host a TV Show with Dick Clark. Ed paid his dues, so when he died this summer it was about time for him to get some well deserved recognition, a moment of reverence and finally that syrupy People Cover Story retrospective.

Two days later, Whammo, Farrah Fawcett AND Michael Jackson died on the same. Oh, COME ON! Are you serious? Sorry Ed, but we are going to have to bump you for time.

So here's to the fourth guy from The Hangover, the Teacher from Glee, kooky Scientologist and talentless actress Jenna Elfman, sidekick extrordinaire Ed McMahon and all the other ignored and overlooked. I feel the need to say you will be missed...but we all know that really isn't the case.

A Matrix with Simulation? Count me IN!

"Advanced football matrix and computer simulations, using NFL data, are pretty clear, when you are 4th and 2 on your own 28 up 6, you have a better chance of winning when you go for it."

-Brian Kenny, ESPN SportsCenter, host

WWHHAAAAAAAATTTTT? Really? Unbelieveable.

"Never tell me the odds."

-Han Solo, Kessel Run Champion, smuggler

Ok, I get that Belicheat is smart and, of course, he has the hardware to prove it, but the fact that so many talking heads are lining up behind this decision is mind boggling. I mean even two of his former players, Rodney Harrison and Teddy Bruschi, have come out against the move. Why doesn't anybody

Reporters used Barry Switzer as a pinata when he made a similar call against the Eagles years ago. Chuck Noll, the only head coach in NFL history to win four Super Bowls, was pummeled for doing the same, and he actually apologized to his team for making the decision. Super Bowl winning coaches have made bad calls in the past and been called out by the national media. And rightly so. The decision to go for it, on fourth down, inside your own thirty yardline with two minutes to go, alienates your defense, angers the opposing defense and energizes the other team's offense. There are too many possible negatives that can come from that play to make it a sound football decision.

Punt the ball trust your defense, period. He knew he made a mistake, watch the tape. He also should be getting killed for allowing his team to blow two timeouts in twenty seconds and making it impossible for the Patriots to challenge the ruling on the field. Kevin Faulk, by the way, got the first down, how do I know that you ask? Because he always gets the first down. But the instead of being able to challenge the call, the arrogant Parcells cast-off got what he deserved...the loss.

I wonder what the reaction would have been if the EXACT same thing happened to the Cowboys? You think we would be hearing about computer simulations and NFL paradigms? I'm sure that the same mdeia types would have Wade Phillips' back don't you think?

...Exactly.

Just because he's an Ass, doesn't make him a Liar

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He Madoff With a Lot

For starters, giving your money to a guy named Madoff is just asking for trouble. Is there a more spot-on name? [editor's note- The answer is yes. The doctor where I'm from that used to specialize in Vasectomies was named...wait for it...Dr. Stoppe. Not kidding, and after he retired he passed that mantle to a more caring less old school specialist, Dr. Gentile. It's true you can look it up]

A friend of mine called me up and said that if I was bored watching the Purdue-Michigan State game, like THAT's possible, I should check out the Bernie Madoff Auction. If you are interested you can find it here.

A couple things I'm left with after checking this government run auction out. First, anything that looks like this => can't REALLY be considered a "Gents" watch can it? And what's with that word? Gents. That word can only be used on a bathroom door, and only when it says "Dames" on  the door next to it.

And second, Bernie Madoff needs to be beaten to death with the rest of his watch collection. This guy's collection of chronographs is worth more than Haiti. In fact, there's one that just sold for $20,000. I mean sure it was hand made in Zimbabwe with a Platinum bevel encrusted with Narwal Tusk, 12 princess cut Blood Diamonds and a leather strap made from a baby Albino Seal, with certificate of authenticity. So, of course the value's there, but it just seems excessive.

Everybody can agree that this guy deserves to be locked up for a long long time, but lets not lose sight of the fact that many of the people that are the most outraged are the same people that made up this ponzi scheme. And they wearing making off like bandits. Sure they eventually lost big but nobody was wanting him to go to jail when they were seeing 150% returns.

I guess there really are no free lunches...but some of these watches are a steal.

One Small Step

Ok, so I'll admit it. I feel like a douche.  This whole "Blogging" thing feels like either a huge waste of time or a desperate way for me to bring attention to my favorite topic...ME.  Sooo, why not start a blog right?

Well it seemed like a good idea on paper. First, it saves my wife the embarrassment of watching me go off on a rant directed at a charming old couple sitting on a bench in the mall. Second, it forces me to filter some of my thoughts before I blurt them out. There's a trick I wished I had learned before our last parent-teacher conference. And third...well there isn't a third, because I hate writing, I was never very good with deadlines and I hate the idea of someone, me in this case, feeling that they are SOOOOOOO important that they feel the need to share their thoughts with the masses. I mean, who asked for that!?!

Don't get me wrong, I consider myself to be relatively clever and fairly entertaining, when I'm drinking. But recently a good friend of mine convinced me that I should start one of these things. It probably had more to do with his own personal entertainment, but, well, here I am. Looking like a douche. Which may have been his plan from the start.

So here it goes...

I am fairly proficient when it comes to technology, but there is something about creating a Blog that makes me feel like I need to have an opinion about Avatar, the Hobbit and the casting of Ryan Reynolds as the Green Lantern. (I do by the way- I can't wait for Last of the Mohicans Jim Cameron Style, I couldn't care less about a return to Middle Earth and, Ryan Reynolds is dreamy) But this Blog will be more stream of conscious. As it is in real life, if I have a thought about something happening in Sports, I'll say it, if I feel strongly about who should win the Big Fat Loser show, I'll tell you and if something happens with my kids I will share that as well.

A couple of things that you need to know about me. [editor's note- The idea that anyone NEEDS to know ANYthing about me makes me want to reenact the entire third season of America's Funniest Home Videos with me cast as "Crotch Guy". By the way the third season was during the Saget years before AFV sold-out and brought in Tom Bergeron. He's creepy and has hands that belong on a Keebler Elf. It takes a certain lack of talent to make Saget seem edgy.]

Focus, focus people. But back to ME. A couple of things that you need to know.

First, I hate e-mail. Writing in general annoys me because there is always room for interpretation when it comes to tone. How do you let people know that you are being sarcastic? And don't tell me that you can just put one of those little Emoticons in there. Emoticons? Really? Which brings me to ...

Number 2- I HATE emoticons. I get it, they're helpful...when you are learning how to spell C-A-T. I mean when was the last time you got a big smiley face on your annual report or an office memo? Although, now that I think about it. Think about how quick the board meetings would be. "In the last four quarters we have reported two smiley faces, one disgruntled Charlie Brown looking face and unfortunately a really angry horned red face with smoke coming out of it's ears. Soooo, let's roll up our sleeves and get back to work."

Emoticons are sort of like the disclaimers on the back of cigarette package that say, "Smoking may lead to heart problems, lung disease or two headed babies." Or the coffee cups that say "Contents may be hot." Wait, what? The contents of my cup of Coffee may be hot. So there is only a chance? If that's the case I'm going to the place where the coffee is ALWAYS hot. People that are suprised that it is hot SHOULD be burned.

Emoticons are the dumbing down of our society. At every turn we are given our opinion regarding the story, thought, or deed BEFORE we even know what it is about. I don't need to be told how to feel, when to laugh, cry, be outraged, etc. It's dumb. Pick up the phone or assume that everyone is being sarcastic in all e-mails. This will eliminate a great deal of angst and it will make you laugh.

Bottom line Emoticons SUCK!!! But you can find an easy link to some of my favorites in the tool bar above...

C). Text Messages- You probably can guess my thoughts on Texting, so I won't bore you with my desire to scream anytime I see someone texting at a restaurant...WHILE THEY ARE WITH OTHER PEOPLE! And I am not going to get into the PTSAnablers that give their children unlimited cel phone and texting packages for their Tenth Birthday. And I promise I won't expound on my thoughts regarding text-walking/driving/etc. However, I will give my favorite example of the idiocy regarding texting. The following is an actual text message that I got a week ago:

ne chance u r goin' up early?

I get the u=you and the r=are, I mean that saves you two letters on each of those words, which will allow you almost an extra full second on your life. But the apostrophe after goin? Maybe that one was just a slip. The one that makes me mental is "ne" instead of "any". WHHAAATTT!!!! ne instead of any. Gee I wonder why education in the good old US of A is tanking? Hmmmm, could it be because we are trying to communicate using License Plates? Stop it! Immediately, it's dumb. Although, I do love the new text crosswords puzzles in the USA Today Life Section so maybe I'm the a-hole.

And finally,

IV- Cell Phones. They are great but leave them in the car, don't take the chance that you forgot to turn it off. If you live in NYC and don't drive you get a pass. But if you don't and it goes off during a meeting, movie, restaurant, gym, spa, school, store or park please quietly stop the phone from ringing, raise your hand into the air and yell, at the top of your lungs, "I am far more important than any of you PEOPLE. I am now going to communicate with someone Equally important. Please, stand BACK and don't make eye contact!"

Ok, ok, one more. Facebook. It's annoying. I know, I know, but Trip, that's how you got in touch with me to begin with. I get it, Facebook is a great tool for getting back in touch with people you have...a...lost touch with and it works really well when you feel the need to pass around a really interesting new blog that you have found written by someone that you haven't seen or heard from in fifteen years. But the problem with it is you are forced back into a relationship with someone that you were doing just fine without. 


For example, I have had a great relationship with Andy Onderdonk over the past fifteen years. He doesn't call, write or speak to me and I don't beat him to death with a tire iron. It's perfect really, everybody's happy. But  now with Facebook he, not only contacts me, but now he wants to be my friend. Really? I know, I know, you can always ignore him. I guess that's true, but wasn't I JUST DOING THAT? Can you imagine if people greeted one another like that on the street. It's insane. I mean really.

And further more- wait a second, yeah, that's mine. Sorry, I have to take this. Hello...Wait, what? Oh, you've got to be kidding? Why would my wife think you were joking? Did you try using one of those emoticons? Well you should have. I'll IM you later. OMFG, I gotta go, my wife found out some girl I haven't seen in fifteen years just "poked" me on Facebook. 

Technology sucks!

Wait, What You Mean It Isn't Real?

So let me get this straight Britney Spears, up until this past weekend, had fooled an entire country into believing she was actually singing. Look, I love Australia as much as the next guy, but this is the most damning news regarding a country's stupidity this side of Jerry Lewis and the French.

I mean even the Germans know that Hasselhoff can't act. And while Don Cherry may be one of the most annoying people ever you can't argue with two decades worth of ratings for Hockey Night in Canada and he usually wears something interesting.

The thing that is even more mind blowing to me than the Aussies collective head in the sand regarding the Ms. Spears, is the fact that she has had the success she's had. I get the whole creepy-pigtailed-high school-hussie-success of her first album, but she has absolutely no discernable talent. I mean, she can remember a few dance moves, but she can't sing and she doesn't write or produce any of her music, so what exactly does she bring to the table? Tabloids, Paparazzi, drugs, custody battles, a dearth in panty sales, crazy behavior, lunacy, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria. I mean couldn't the same producers, with the same songs, pluck some girl from Kansas and come up with better results? Sure, but she wouldn't have that crazy head shaving stuff and THAT stuff is what makes he successful.

Of course this is me getting ready to bang my shoe on my desk in an effort to rally the troops the insist that we stand up for something more, something better. Something with heart, something with soul. Let's celebrate depth of character. Hasn't Obama showed us that intelligence is the new cool? Let's rise up and say NO to TMZ and let's tell Perez Hilton that we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore. Starting tonight we should all boycott the human train wreck that is Britney Spears and protect our young impressionable children from this depravity. Blah, blah, morals. Yada Yada, ethics. Murmur murmur Glory Days. Is Pollyanna a good color on me? I can never tell. Now who's with meeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh?

I'm going to go the other way on this one. I say lets boost her up again. Who cares that she is a talentless harlot. Let's start going back to her concerts, let's buy her albums exclusively at Walmart, and for God's sake lets make sure to buy her new line of delicates, the Empress' New Clothz, they make a great stocking stuffer.

We need Brit-Brit at the head of the class again because then and only then will we get to watch her come crumbling down. And that's just fun for everyone. Just think of it Circus sweeps the VMA's next year, she starts dating Shia LeBouf, the two remake the Bodyguard, only this time it's more synthesized. Disney hires that guy from District 9, Neil Blumpkin I think his name is, to do a remake of Mary Poppins with Ms. Spears and, Whammo, she has the world on a string.

And right when she is poised to take her place on the Mt. Rushmore of Pop, next two pillars Madonna, Elvis and Michael Jackson, with a special two-hour one-on-one interview with Katie Couric, just when it looks like she has really gotten it together, she will have another meltdown.

It'll probably include fake accents, weeklong binges, Parkour with the kids on the 23rd Floor of the Bellaggio, a shaved head or two, she might wake up in a wood pile somewhere, maybe she'll make her skin look like this =>

Perhaps she will let out that lost little boy that's been buried under layers of self-loathing and bubblegum and decide to become Brett Spears. Or, if we're lucky, she'll make the ultimate sacrifice for us voyeurs and start dating Anne Heche.

Go, Go, Godzilla

There is a major difference between Hideki Matsui and Alex Rodriguez can you spot it?

Are you having trouble? Let me give you a few clues.

It has to do with notoriety. No I'm not talking about the kind you get from late night trysts with Strippers that are used to getting paid in Loonys, while listening to Rush with the faint smell of two day old back bacon hanging in the air. In fact, I'm not even talking about the publicity you get from a messy divorce or the subsequent publicity bump you get from dating the daughter of a talented actress.

All of those things do bring notoriety, but ARod isn't the only person to get some notoriety for his extracurricular activities. Have you forgotten all the press Matsui got when he showed everybody a picture of his wife. It was the first time anyone had ever seen a picture of his wife...and he drew it. What? No I'm not joking the only picture of Matsui's special lady was sketched by MATSUI! No Paparazzi Photos, no full page spreads in Maxim, not even a side bar shot in Red Book. One sketch drawn by Hideki, that's it. And anyway that's not even the notoriety I'm talking about.

How can I give you a hint that will- Ahh, I've got it. Only one of them will will be credited and remembered for their dedication to their team and the sacrifices made in an effort to bring pride and honor to his hometown.

No, not Matsui's decision to represent his homeland of Japan in the World Baseball Classic. I mean I know that Matsui insisted on playing in the first WBC despite being injured. Sure he felt representing the country where he was born and raised, where he learned how to play the game that he still loves, was more important than being healthy for the million dollar incentives available to him with the Yankees.

No point in bringing that up because ARod basically did the same thing. Because when you think about it ARod was super generous when he played for the Dominican Republic, a team he coincidentally thought had the best chance of winning, despite having never VISITED the place. It's sort of the same thing, right.

No it's neither of those things. Let's see how shall I ease into this?

Ok maybe my clues are too vague. The major difference between ARod and Godzilla has to do with the respect. I know what you're thinking, but no I'm not talking about respect for the game. Although sure Matsui plays the game hard, congratulates his teammates, works the count to tire the pitcher, goes the other way to advance the runner and travels with the rest of the guys.

I'm not saying that ARod is out for himself and doesn't have the same respect for the game, but only one of those guys has been known to yell at opposing players during a routine pop-up, attempt to slap a ball out of the first basemen's glove following a weak ground out with runners in scoring position and, if you watched the game last night, only one of them faked being hit by a pitch on ball four just so he could look like a scrappy ball player. Pathetic.

No, I'm talking about being recognized for excellence on the biggest stage. Only one of these two men can call themselves World Series MVP.

Congrats Hideki Matsui for being named the 2009 World Series MVP. Now get outta here, buy some champagne and draw your wife...a bath.

Look It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Madonna

Thank God Madge is around to tell us what we're doing wrong. Here's the thing Madonna needs to shut up. I really don't need to hear from Ms. Ciccone-Penn-Ritchie about morals, ethics, values, or principles. But to make matters worse today we also got to be scolded by Ethan Hawke, that bastion of virtue, as well.

I guess somebody needed to say something about the mistreatment of the Gypsies, who have been persecuted by the masses ever since Ian Fleming made them the focus of a storyline involving a British Spy and the Orient Express.

There is really nothing I enjoy more than hearing from the Material Girl. I mean she spends more than most countries annually trying to keep herself looking fit and fabulous. And for the record there is NO ONE on the planet that looks more tired. I think Desmond Tutu said it best when he said that she looks like she's been ridden hard and hung up wet. It might not have been Desmond but it was someone really impressive...I think. At any rate, at least she's still wearing creepy lingerie from the touring company of Cabaret.

However when it comes to matters of import, she is THE resource. Afterall she knows what it's like to be treated poorly, and she understands the nuances involved in ethnic rivalries and civil war. And there is nothing more impressive than hearing about those subtleties through an electronic vocal enhancer. Do YOU believe in Life after Love?

And let's hear it for Ethan Hawke. I mean talk about courage. This guy really has laid it on the line by supporting Madonna in her effort to rid the world of the bigotry involving the Gypsy community. Hawke knows a little something about the generalities associated with the Gypsies, afterall he has spent the majority of his adult life living down the very idea that he didn't shower because he was a slacker. Everybody knows that Mr. Hawke doesn't have the time to shower with all of the poetry, playwriting, angst riding, nanny banging, earnestness already on his plate.

So let me be the first to say thank you. Thank You Madonna for showing me that there is more to life than television, but it is important to own one for every room in your house. And thank you Ethan Hawke. Now I realize how pointless my life is because I don't understand what truly matters in life...the ability to go clubbing in New York with Jude Law and a truck full of college girls, bonus points if one of them is your nanny.

We are so lucky to have these philanthropists among us, I just wish I had them here with me to explain all of it to me everyday. It's my wish that everybody on the planet one day have the ability to hear Madonna's teachings and that, if she can find the time, she expand her view to include another downtrodden group to her fold. A people in need of a voice...the Amish.