Look It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Madonna

Thank God Madge is around to tell us what we're doing wrong. Here's the thing Madonna needs to shut up. I really don't need to hear from Ms. Ciccone-Penn-Ritchie about morals, ethics, values, or principles. But to make matters worse today we also got to be scolded by Ethan Hawke, that bastion of virtue, as well.

I guess somebody needed to say something about the mistreatment of the Gypsies, who have been persecuted by the masses ever since Ian Fleming made them the focus of a storyline involving a British Spy and the Orient Express.

There is really nothing I enjoy more than hearing from the Material Girl. I mean she spends more than most countries annually trying to keep herself looking fit and fabulous. And for the record there is NO ONE on the planet that looks more tired. I think Desmond Tutu said it best when he said that she looks like she's been ridden hard and hung up wet. It might not have been Desmond but it was someone really impressive...I think. At any rate, at least she's still wearing creepy lingerie from the touring company of Cabaret.

However when it comes to matters of import, she is THE resource. Afterall she knows what it's like to be treated poorly, and she understands the nuances involved in ethnic rivalries and civil war. And there is nothing more impressive than hearing about those subtleties through an electronic vocal enhancer. Do YOU believe in Life after Love?

And let's hear it for Ethan Hawke. I mean talk about courage. This guy really has laid it on the line by supporting Madonna in her effort to rid the world of the bigotry involving the Gypsy community. Hawke knows a little something about the generalities associated with the Gypsies, afterall he has spent the majority of his adult life living down the very idea that he didn't shower because he was a slacker. Everybody knows that Mr. Hawke doesn't have the time to shower with all of the poetry, playwriting, angst riding, nanny banging, earnestness already on his plate.

So let me be the first to say thank you. Thank You Madonna for showing me that there is more to life than television, but it is important to own one for every room in your house. And thank you Ethan Hawke. Now I realize how pointless my life is because I don't understand what truly matters in life...the ability to go clubbing in New York with Jude Law and a truck full of college girls, bonus points if one of them is your nanny.

We are so lucky to have these philanthropists among us, I just wish I had them here with me to explain all of it to me everyday. It's my wish that everybody on the planet one day have the ability to hear Madonna's teachings and that, if she can find the time, she expand her view to include another downtrodden group to her fold. A people in need of a voice...the Amish.

Ahhhh, youth sports. Is there anything more heart warming than watching your kid participate with their friends-

Hey down in front. I said out of the way butt hole. Look I'm paying top dollar for this $#!+. My kid is gifted and needs the extra time more than your kid. I mean just look at your kid. He's doing it ALL WRONG!! Hey Chuck you might want to let your kid drink from a straw from now on because he's sure good at sucking.

What? Oh lighten up, Chuck. It's a joke. Just because your six year old lacks any discernable skills doesn't mean that you have to lack any and all sense of humor. Learn to laugh at your son's failures...because that's what we're doing

Look this is supposed to be fun and with what I have seen so far, and knowing his gene pool, he's going to be dealing with athletic inadequacy for years. So here's a little friendly advice, you better teach that towel-fetching-clipboard-carrying-future statistician where his place is on this team and keep him out of my sons way. Nobody likes a bad loser.

Now where was I... Oh yeah, the joys of youth sports. It's really important to have fun at this age... Unless you suck in which case you should have fun playing Magik the role playing card game.