HELLO......hello.......hello.........hello.......

Number 1 Overall

Later today Sam Bradford is going to be a number one overall pick most likely by the St. Louis Rams. If you are a fan of the Rams you should prepare yourselves for years of disappointment. However the Detroit Lions are about to fall into one of the great draft picks of all-time. I'm talking Michael Jordan to the Bulls kind of luck. Ndamukong Suh will be the best player of the draft and likely will be considered the best draft pick ever.

Look Bradford appears to have all of the measureables and he has proven on the field that he is a winner. Unfortunately he has also proven on the field that he is an injury risk. Look, Oklahoma is so much more talented then 90% of the teams thast they play that  he should have a successful career in college. His O-Line is big and better then most of the defenses that he plays

If you were to list the best QB's of all-time, I'm talking the top 50, you will be hard pressed to find a Quarterback that came from an overly talented college team. In fact, other than Peyton Manning, name one premiere QB over the last twenty-five years that came from a national powerhouse.

Brady was a backup at Michigan, Brees played at Purdue. Who else you got? Elway? Stanford. There just aren't any. Why? Because in order to be successful in the NFL you have to be able to react quickly and under pressure. Think about one of the most consistent stats used in the NFL to separate the decent from the All-Pro...fourth quarter comebacks. Matt Leinart never had to do that at USC and when he was called on to do it...they lost to Texas. Please don't tell me that he brought the Trojans back against Notre Dame. Lets face it that game was one of those, "Oh, my gosh we drank WAYYY too much last night and now we might lose to Brady Quinn? Hey Reggie, push me in the back," kinda games.

Reaction, composer and accuracy are the key to becoming a successful leader of an NFL franchise and successful QB's typically learn those attributes while they're getting beat up in college. Ask Danny Wuerffel or Josh Heupel whether or not they felt prepared for the NFL.

Oh, please don't tell me that his workout was the best anyone has seen since Troy Aikman. That's just stupid. You wanna know who had a better Pro Day than Troy Aikman? The first pick overall the after Troy was selected first overall. Any guesses? Yep, that's right Porno-stache Jeff George. Would you like to know the most impressive QB was at a Pro Day in the last twenty years? Rob Johnson. He looked great in shorts. One because he didn't have to react quickly to NFL caliber defenses and secondly because he's super, super dreamy. Oops, what? I mean he was throwing to ultra-slow and over rated Keyshawn Johnson.

Would you like to know who looked terrible in their Pro Days? Tom Brady, Joe Montana, Drew Brees, hell, Kurt Warner never had one.

I'll bet that Jimmy Clausen is going to be a better Pro than Sam Bradford for the aforementioned reasons.

If I were running the Rams I'd take the Mean Joe Greene, Ndamukong Suh and wait until next year for Jake Locker. It worked for the Steelers in the seventies and as always that's good enough for me.

Ben dropped by Jerky Co...what a Bombshell

So Little Ben Roethlisberger was dropped by his beef jerky sponsor. WOW!

I found this odd...mostly because he has never been more qualified.

Aside from the obvious pun, Ben seems to be the perfect face for this particular product. I mean we're talking about processed beef jerky. Exactly who do they think buys this stuff? Please don't misinterpret this as a cheap shot directed at a bunch of yahoos that consider a perfect night one in which you don't get any manure on your boots while you're cow tipping, because that's narrow minded and hurtful.

I'm sure that there are many, many people out there buying beef jerky that don't treat women like second class citizens.  Like...well...ok, I can't think of any off hand but they're out there. Probably.

I mean do they think that distancing themselves from Roethlisberger will sell MORE beef jerky? Don't get me wrong Little Ben is an awful human being, but have they checked their demographics lately? In fact, if I were a jerky distributor I would look for guys like Ben to sponsor the product. They're selling over salted strips of artificially dried cat meat. Who do they think is buying this stuff.

"But, Trip, having Ben as their spokesman will is disrespectful to women." Whaaa?  And the product itself isn't? The only women buying their Ferrel-cat strips of meat are...let's see who would be a good example...oh, I know. Bombshell McGee? I can almost see the ad now....

Tired of snapping into a Slim Jim? Is your Skoal breath turning off any would-be suitors?  Well why don't you try Big Friggin' Jerky. It's the ONLY legal meat substitute endorsed by Hepatitis C and Bombshell McGee. 

"I love Big Friggin' Jerky, it's the third most attractive thing about me. Tee-Hehehehe- Right behind my Hitler memorabilia and face tats. If you're wondering what the key to my cleavage heart is it's Big Friggin' Jerky. "  

Big Friggin' Jerky...it's the ONLY artificially flavored meat substitute endorsed by Bombshell McGee. "Let me take a crack at your Blind Side."

You know what? They should ask Tiger to endorse this stuff. Jesse James would be another terrific pitchman, they wouldn't even have to change the picture on the package. How about Tiki Barber, Santonio Holmes, Mike Vick, Kobe Bryant, Charlie Sheen, that guy from Girls Gone Wild, Billy Crudup, Isiah Washington, Roman Polanski. I could go on and on. OKAY, Eric Massa, Pee Wee Herman, George Michael, the principle from Ferris Bueller. Sadly, the list is endless.

Home Game

Where do I begin? How about with this!

Tiger Woods is douche. Singularly the worst person on the planet. I mean he really gives sociopaths a bad name. Mr. All-About-Change was more of an ass#@!& then ever this past week. It started with a 30 second ad for sneakers and went downhill from there.

The Nike Ad was pretty basic. Super tight, one shot with a High-def lens, striped of color and slowed to like 20 frames per second for dramatic effect. Oh and voice over work featuring Earl Woods telling Tiger to "Use the Force." If Tiger was any kind of a real person he would have punched the smarmy Nike exec that suggested USING his dead father to garner sympathy. I'm not kidding either. He should have literally leaped across the table and decked the person that brought it up. It's creepy, amoral and reprehensible. 

We'll never know his reaction to the initial pitch but we will always remember the ad as the perfect example of Tiger's willingness to USE anyone and anything for his own benefit. Nobody has said it yet, but didn't the national media and Red Sox fans kill Ted Williams' son for basically doing the same thing? The only difference is that Ted Williams' kid still hasn't made a nickel from sticking the Splendid Splinter's head in a freezer on a tuna fish can, while Tiger had to be paid scale for his work in the Nike ad. Don't ya think?

I'm not going to get on Tiger for his swearing on the course or the new sunglasses look. Nothing makes you more accessible than wearing sunglasses. But how about his press conferences and interviews. Wow, no wonder he picked The Masters for his first tournament of the year. Oh, and by the way, stop calling it a "comeback," it's not a comeback. A comeback implies that he was away from the game for reasons that were out of his control. He's just starting his season late because he felt bad that he got caught boinking a bunch of Porn Stars and Hookers. 

Which reminds me of another annoyance this weekend. If you didn't know anything about the Tiger Scandal and watched every single second of Tiger at the Masters you would've thought that he was making a comeback from his own cancer struggle, a gunshot wound,or  maybe a really bad case of the flu, but you would be completely unaware of what Tiger has actually been through. And for the record I would say that that list includes: excessive drug use, domestic violence, his personal knee specialist, Dr. Anthony Galea being under investigation for HGH, the loss of major sponsorships and...wait a minute, I know that there's something else...don't tell me...oh yeah, his requesting for inappropriate use of urine. [editor's note- if you are discussing the idea of purposely peeing on people (alliteration!) than you are a very angry person that hates women. Period, end of discussion. Lock 'em up!]

Not one question about any of those topics. Not one. CBS, ESPN and The Masters itself should be ashamed. Well maybe not CBS, mostly because they have none. Let's face it CBS has proven repeatedly that they are The Masters lap dog.But I had hoped ESPN would be up for the challenge. That organization considers itself the foremost authority on all things sports. 

I was encouraged when they picked Tom Rinaldi to follow Woods for the week. He did a nice job during that weird five minute exclusive a couple weeks back. He asked tough questions and put Tiger on the spot several times. We didn't get a lot out of it but at least he was trying. Instead Rinaldi went full schmaltz and gave us piece after piece about Tiger's march toward a fifth "Green Jacket."  With Pirate music accompaniment, you know because Tiger's such a swashbuckler. Playing in a Major Championship without the benefit of a tune up tournament. Five months without playing competitive golf. It's Ben Hoganesque.  What? No. Ben Hogan was in a car accident and many of the doctors thought that he wouldn't WALK again. Tiger was being treated for having the urge to pee on prostitutes. It's a little different.

During the press conference after the first round, someone asked if his first competitive round after the "long layoff" was special. Not only did he refused to acknowledge that his best opening round at Augusta ever, coupled with the warm reception of the fans made him feel good, but he also glowered at the reporter suggesting that he has the ability to FEEL... anything. I wonder if he's a cutter? 

Look I understand that guys like Tiger are successful because they have the ability to hyper focus on the task at hand, but why not acknowledge that posting a good score in the first round, and the fan support during it, meant more than a typical first round at The Masters? Allowing for emotions, that don't involve fist pumps, doesn't make you a weak person Eldrich...it makes you human.

The interview that took the cake was the one with Peter Kostis after the final round. Pathetic. First of all Kostis seems to be using one of Bill Shatner's used rugs, I mean why don't these guys call Sean Connery's wig fitter? And secondly I was less comfortable watching him ask Tiger questions than I was watching Kathy Ireland at the Oscars. 

The second comment Kostis made during the interview was really more of a gosh-Tiger-you're-so-great-I-can't-image-that-you-could-ever-lose kind or comment. He suggested that Tiger was playing without the same emotion and that that might have been why he lost. He was basically sucking up to the Cheetah, and yet Eldrich responded by saying that people were making too big a deal out of his lack of enthusiasm. 

Pretty benign right? Except that he had just finished his round. Why would Tiger even be aware of what the announcers were saying while he was playing? I mean he literally had JUST gotten of the course. Talk about rabbit ears, he had to have been following the telecast during the round. Um, really? That's just pathetic. Do you think Tom Brady checks in between drives to hear what Vern Lundquist is saying about him? How 'bout LeBron James? Does his nose get bent out of joint during a timeout because Jeff Van Gundy suggested he wasn't playing good defense? 

He had an opportunity to show the world a new side of Eldrich Woods during that brief interview and instead we got the same old Tiger. Angry, bitter, confrontational. Someone that thinks grace is the featured performer in the Champagne Room at the Rick's Cabaret.

Well, whatever. Nobody seems to care about this whole Tiger thing anyway, at least not in Augusta...or in Bristol, CT for that matter. Eventually it will come out that he has a prescription drug problem, that he was jacked up with HGH for the better part of a decade and that Elin is just waiting for the 5 o'clock whistle. Other than the win, Tiger got exactly what he wanted out of last weekend... a home game. 

Little Ben

So ESPN announced late last night that Ben Roethlisberger will NOT be charged with sexual assault. I decided when the accusations were made initially that I would reserve judgement until the case was resolved.

Well it looks like he didn't do anything wrong. According to sources, Milledgeville, GA District Attorney, Fred Bright, just didn't have enough to prosecute the 28-year old, two time Super Bowl winning Quarterback. In this twenty-four second news cycle, everyone LOVES to pile on the accused, especially if they are a celebrity. Long gone is the idea of innocent until proven guilty. Anyone remember the Duke Lacrosse team?

Having said that, Roethlisberger is guilty. Wait, what? You aren't standing behind the quarterback that brought the Steelers two Super Bowls after a twenty-six year drought? Nope, as Mike Singletary would say, Can't Do It. 

So what's he guilty of? Being an idiot. I don't know, how about bad judgement. Arrogance, entitlement, immaturity, selfishness, scumbagginess? Pick one. The bottom line is that he is an embarrassment and needs to be traded... Today. Before the draft.

Kevin Colbert, get Al Davis on the horn and send Ben to the Black Hole immediately. I waited twenty-six years between Super Bowls, the Steelers will be fine without him. Since I have been a Steelers fan the Steelers have made it to the AFC Championship more than 33% of the time. That's right, since 1974 the Steelers have played in the game leading up to the Super Bowl 14 times. Of the competitive teams in the NFL that's twice as many as the next best team. [editor's note- The Raiders have made it to 11, but are they really "competitive?"] 

If the front office is feeling bad about trading away their franchise Quarterback they could show their appreciation by having a Big Ben Night when he comes back to town. They could have it coincide with the next helmet give away, have Hooter's sponsor it and give him a custom Harley Davison. You know so there won't be any hard feelings.

J-Lo, Moody and Preggo- My review of The Back-Up Plan without seeing it

With Eldrich prepping to tee it up for the first time since Elin Pimped his Ride, my thoughts logically turn to Jennifer Lopez. I'm sorry I'm as interested as the next guy about The Cheetah's week at the Masters but until we get to the weekend it just isn't THAT exciting.

So back to J-Lo. I was enjoying the last episode of Lost, for the second time last night [editor's note- I'm a Desmond-is-the-ultimate-hero-of-the-show guy and so anytime it's a Desmond-centric episode you can mark me down for a minimum of three viewings. Am I a Geek? Maybe. Do I spend an inordinate amount of time watching TV? Perhaps. Do I hate people that ask and answer their own questions? Definitely.]


At any rate, there I was minding my own business, watching Lost and...ok, I'll admit it I got lazy. I didn't push pause on my TV when I got up to get a beer. I just let the show play like I was living in the last century. Well, one thing leads to another and suddenly I'm watching a commercial. It's been eight years, seven months and three days since I've watched a commercial, Steelers games and the Super Bowl not withstanding. But to make matters worse the commercial was for this Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy.

So there I was with my head in the refrigerator listening to J-Lo singing a cover of I'm Not Going To Write You a Love Song... I mean, the song sounded a lot like that song from Maid of Honor, you know the one with Patrick McDreamy? He played the roguishly handsome architect/doctor/carpenter, that is really well off financially,  has a wise cracking mother/agent/secretary, loves dogs, changes his shirt in the office, always dresses like he jumped off the pages of GQ, owns that killer house/condo/villa, is super neat, happens to be 45 years old, way into girls, a gourmet chef, single, definitely not gay, and juggles something. You know the movie, right? Well, now that I think about it maybe it wasn't a cover of that song at all.

But back to the J-Lo thing, in my fumbling for a bottle opener I watched the entire commercial of this latest outing, I think it's called She's Having 27 Leap Years. It appears as though the movie is going to be all about J-Lo being pregnant. Not getting pregnant mind you...BEING pregnant. God, what I wouldn't give to have been wooing a pregnant Jennifer Lopez.

The movie won't start with her preggers, there will be a long montage that consists of the worst possible dates imaginable. It'll be just like 40 Year Old Virgin only funnier. There'll be a guy that lives with his mom, someone that lives with thirty-five cats, a Lord of the Rings guy and even a brief cameo by Marc Anthony. I hope J-Lo says something like, "singers creep me out" when it happens. You know something inside (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). HiLARIOUS!

She'll ask her gay long time best friend to artificially inseminate her. Cue the spit take.

But right when you least expect it, and when I say that I mean that it will be EXACTLY when you expect it because it will be raining and she'll be sad because the fertility clinic will say, "I'm sorry Chloe/Izzie/Zoe/Apple... but there's always adoption." That person will most likely be played by Kristen Wiig. And then- Whammo- a really attractive British guy using his American accent will stumble into her life.

I must say that this movie is pretty refreshing in it's use of J-Lo's pregnancy as prime fodder for courtship. Because as anyone that has ever been involved in one knows, pregnancy oozes romance. No wait, that came out wrong...whoa, that's not what I meant either. What I was trying to say was it's definitely a bold move to center a romantic comedy around baby birthing. Because most guys, that don't need to be registered on special lists, LOVE dating women that are newly pregnant with someone else's baby. Totally believable.

Ok, before I get a bunch of e-mails and phone calls. I am not against pregnancy, nor am I against the idea of adoption, foster children, cloning or even consensual kidnapping (when done properly) but what I am against is insipid formulaic movies starring J-Lo.

The whole J-Lo thing is weird to me. She was well on her way to becoming a legitimate actress. No, I'm not joking. Look, no fan of Selena me, but she was very good in the 45 minutes I could take of that movie and she was terrific in U-Turn during the parts I wasn't wishing Sean Penn would become a permanent citizen of Venezuela. And, furthermore, I will have words with anyone that says that Karen Sisco, in Out of Sight, isn't one of the best female characters in any movie over the last twenty years. That movie is still Steven Soderbergh's best to-date and that has a lot to do with Jennifer Lopez.

But then she had to remember her roots, which oddly had nothing to do with her sleeping her way to the top or the memory that she got into the business as a Go-Go Dancer. No apparently getting back to her roots meant jump starting that singing career that somehow stalled when she was 13. Well, Jenny from the block begat a string of such auto-tuned classics as that song about her shoes, the one where she sang phonetically in Spanish and of course this new one from the movie that's bound to be a chart topper.

"But Trip, you're being unfair. You're talking about a major "A" List celebrity"

She's a celebrity, I'll give you that. But so is Kim Kardashian. Face it, she has done 20 movies and exactly none of them have ever made 100 million at the box office. The average take for a J-Lo movie? 40 million. Just so we're clear the Tooth Fairy and Legion have made more than that this year. Oh, you're familiar with The Rock movie but you've never heard of the other one? Well I guess that's the point isn't it?

This movie is terrible, if you want to watch a romantic comedy go rent anything with Cary Grant, start with the Philadelphia Story. And if that's not your bag watch anything with Sandy Bullock, she needs the mojo.

I have included the the official poster for The Backup Plan starring Jennifer and some other guy. It really tells the story. I'm not sure who the other guy is because he's a relative unknown and mostly because she is completely covering his face with her hand.  Well played Jenny, well played.

Play for the Redskins or the Raiders? Drink a Kale or Broccoli Milk Shake?

Let me get this straight, the Philadelphia Iggles sent Donovan McNabb to the Washington Napoleans for a 2nd round pick in this years draft, a 3rd or 4th in next years and a booster seat with the initials Daniel Snyder.


On the surface this appears to be a pretty fair deal for both sides, right? Wrong. When was the last time the Redskins made a good off-season transaction? Albert Haynesworth was such a monumental mistake that they tried to send him to Philly in the McNabb deal...and the Eagles opted for the 3rd or 4th in NEXT year's draft. Clinton Portis was pretty good, but Running Backs are a dime a dozen and the Napoleans gave up a shutdown Corner to get him. Brunell, Sanders, Smith, no, no, and no. I think the last truly successful football transaction made by the Redskins was when they picked up Riggo back in the day. Even Doug Williams was only good for one year

Sorry 'skins fans but until Shanahan proves otherwise, we have to assume that the Washington Redskins got taken in this deal. The next solid football decision Danny Snyder makes will be his first solid football decision. By the way and included Tom Cruise in the photo for scale.


The other aspect of this trade that I find disturbing is all the class McNabb has shown publicly. I mean what's with THAT? And was that, Eagles head coach, Andy Reid becoming choked up at the very thought of playing a season without number 5 during an interview on the Mike and Mike- In The Morning?

Didn't these people learn anything from Brett Favre during his decade long march to Retirement3.0? How can Kevin Kolb sit there during his press conference expect us to believe that Donovan McNabb was helpful and largely responsible for his development as a Quarterback and a man? Come on, what was Donovan thinking? Helping a young player develop? That's not how it works. If we have learned anything from Brett Favre over these last several years its that it is impossible to be a stand up guy the face of competition. You know the old saying, "It's always more important to look good, seem supportive and act down-to-earth, than it is to actually BE successful, supportive and down-to-earth."

I actually think that the McNabb-Favre connection is pretty strong. Besides the obvious loyalty stuff, if you were putting together the list of the greatest QB's of all-time they would be closer to each other than they would be to the top. Oh, keep it down. Anyone that has Brett Favre ranked in the top ten all-time is dumb and doesn't get to rank anything else every again.

Let's face it, if you strip away the "gunslinger" moniker from Favre, both he and McNabb will be remembered as highly successful signal callers that always played just well enough to lose the big game.

Don't get me wrong, I'm rooting for McNabb. No one has done more with less over the last ten years. Other than TO, McNabb has never had a  Pro Bowl receiver on his team. You know who had that same kind of support during his career?..John Elway. Of course Elway finally surrounded himself with enough talent to win a couple of Lombardi's at the end of his career. If only McNabb could somehow find the architect of those Denver teams.

Oh, that's right it was Mike Shanahan, and Elway was a year older than McNabb when Shanny took over the Donkey's. AND this time around Shanahan has not one Running Back but THREE solid Backs to choose from in Larry Johnson, Clinton Portis and, my personal favorite, Fast Willie Parker. You want to know something else? Washington has a pretty good defense, something Denver was lacking.

Maybe I need to reassess my position on this McNabb trade. Maybe, just maybe, Little Danny Snyder has finally figured out how to make solid football decisions for his-

NAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

If You Love KISS, Then You Have To Try Groin Punching

Oh, man Friday is going to be one of THOSE days. My beautiful wife has invited one of her closest friends over for dinner. She's awesome, funny, good looking, intelligent and might be married to the single most annoying person on the planet. Ugh, it's hard to even write about. I really can't put my finger on it, but there's just something "Off" about this guy. No wait a second of course I can put my finger on it. If I couldn't put my finger on it I wouldn't have started this little rant now would I? Come on...use your head people.

Anyway. Normally, when I know I'm having someone over that I can't talk to without wanting to stab myself in the ear with a spoon, I'll have a "primer." Oh, you know a quick stiff drink right before they get there to prime the ol' pump. Unfortunately this guy typically takes his three hour lunch at 10:30 in the morning and then knocks off for the day in time watch the end of General Hospital. So five'll get ya ten that he'll be six deep before he walks in the door. So much for the primer theory. 

Ahhrrghh. I just remembered that he's going to go on and on about the Yankees. You see he's a "Yankee" fan. Oh, yeah he's a Yankees fan alright...he's about as diehard as a Patriots "fan." I mean everybody knows that Patriots "fans," as a group, are the biggest band wagon jumping, Tom Brady loving sycophants on the planet, right? That's a given. In fact, it says here that, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, 93.4% of all Patriots fans think Drew Bledsoe was the first Quarterback in franchise history, know Craig James as the father of the kid that got that coach fired at Texas Tech and that John Hannah signed the Declaration of Independence for Rhode Island.  

Well with that as the bench mark this guy, let's call him Will Byers, makes Pats fans look like Red Sox fans pre-2004. Let me put it this way Will's favorite Yankee is A-Rod and we'll leave it at that.

But it doesn't end there, you know the old saying, "the older I get, the better I was?" I HATE that saying. Ever time somebody uses that saying, or one just like it, the person saying it does so as though they have just discovered a new color. Look, Mark...Twain, why don't you put down Poor Richard's Almanac and get me a beer. Those kinds of sayings should only be used on birthday cards (preferably given to you by your ne'er-do-well Uncle on your mother's side) and bumper stickers.

Having said that, to hear Willy tell it he was the best Point Guard in New York without exception...well... outside of the City. I mean, technically, west of the Hudson River...er- actually west of Utica...and south of Lake Placid, no make that Watertown. South of Watertown, and west of Utica, but definitely no further west then Oneida. But right in that stretch between the years of 1972 and 1974, among men the ages 16 to 19, that were enrolled in Catholic School, slick Willy was the best. 

It's not that I don't believe him it's just that... Well he's so darn short...and slow...with very little hand-eye coordination. Look, I don't have a problem with short people, especially when they sit in front of me at movies, but in Basketball you have to be either really, really tall or a super talented athlete. There is just no other way to compete at the highest level of High School Basketball in the Leatherstocking Region of Upstate New York. 

Is our hero a good athlete? Good question, well let me put it this way, he recently tore his rotator cuff... PUTTING ON FACE PAINT... FOR A KISS CONCERT. What, oh, didn't I mention that he's a KISS fan? Are you sure? Oh, that's my fault. This guy is a member of the KISS Army,in fact I think he's a Private First Class. 

Pop Quiz, which is worse, being in the KISS Army and having a rank of Private First Class or making it to a Full Bird Colonel? No, I'm afraid the correct response was Milli Vanilli.

KISS...huh...it's surprising more bands haven't gone the way of clown paint as their hook. No, wait a second there's the Insane Clown Posse and Boy George and, of course, ACTUAL clowns. So that's something. I wonder why Jimmy Page or John Lennon never put on those eight inch heels. I'll bet Clapton is kicking himself.

Well, wish me luck.

As Per Request, I'll Let Future On-line Observations Last Seven DAY! 

Bracketology

I have been looking at some of your selections in the NCAA Tournament and all I can say is...you really weren't paying attention.

In the interest of education I'll give you a Hannibal Lector insight into the mind of someone that is singing along with their predictions...ME!

The Sweet Sixteen...well, the Fabulous Fifteen plus one


I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal out of the NCAA Tournament this year. I mean who didn't see this coming?

Like most of you I had Syracuse, Kentucky, Duke, West Virginia, Kansas State, Ohio State and Cornell making it to the second weekend of the tourney. I've been a BIG believer in the Northern Illinois- What, oh it's Iowa? Are you sure? I've been a big believer in those pesky Panthers of Northern Iowa ever since they thumped Indiana State. I am an especially big fan of senior Guard Ali Farokhmanesh, not so much because of his late game heroics but because with the addition of a single syllable his surname becomes an expletive.

Anyone that didn't have Tom Izzo and Michigan State hasn't been paying attention for last decade. He's the best coach in the country, period.

As a shameless self-promoter myself, I am morally obligated to support Bruce Pearl and Tennessee. He's a bi goof, but he seems to really enjoy the job and he doesn't seem to be a stepping stone coach. Is he a hump? Yes, but he's successful so of course I had them as well.

Xavier has made it to the round of sixteen three years running, and as Crash Davis always said, "You never Farok with a streak."

As someone that lived in a Pac-10 city for three years I am something of an expert when it comes to West Coast Athletics. Now I haven't watched any Pac-10 college basketball since Eddie O, and Tyus Edney led the Bruins through the Final Four, but I think that the knowledge that I gained while I was out there has become innate. At any rate, of course I had Washington making it into the Sweet Sixteen.

I always bet on Purdue because it's my only opportunity to get behind a school with a drink as it's mascot. No mixed message there.

Let's see everybody had Baylor right. I don't really have that much insight here, but the Golden Bears remind me of Jack Nicklaus who was known as the Golden Bear, even though he went to Ohio State. And it got me to thinking about Tiger Woods. That whole thing is a mess of biblical proportions, but after reading through some of his texts I couldn't help but wonder what the New York Post's headline will be after the first day at Augusta, "Tiger Golden, Showers Delay First Round."

I had to look into the NCAA rule book but apparently hospitals ARE allowed to enter into the tournament as long as they follow proper recruiting practices. So because I have gotten stitches at three different St. Mary's over the years, I had them blowing past Villanova. No brainer.

The only team left in the field that I didn't get right was Butler. Butler, who likes Butler? The most famous Alumni from Butler is Jim Jones. Who is Jim Jones you ask? Only the religious wacko that was responsible for the deaths of over 900 people. Ever heard or used the expression "Drinking the Kool-Aid?" Well that's him. I mean even L. Ron Hubbard had the decency to let his followers become movie stars. And that other guy, you know the one that was chasing Halle-Bop, at least he gave out comfortable shoes.

Anyway, Murray State got jobbed. Butler sucks, I had Murray State. I always take Murray State, mostly because of Bill.

So that's how my brackets are shaping up, 15 for 16. Not bad. Not bad at all. I let you know how I do this weekend on Monday.

What was that? Post 'em, you mean before the games. Ha, and give away all of my secrets for free?

State of the Chin

I am absolutely floored by the information that exists when it comes to web traffic, amazing. I apologize for the lag time between posts but I have been sequestered with a couple of top internet data analysts at one of the premiere companies in the field to discuss the overall activity of this blog, Trip's Chin Music. I signed a non-disclosure agreement so why don't we call this company "Poodle."

Anyway, the borls at Poodle shared some pretty interesting information with me about the people that seem to be enjoying Chin Music. [editor's note- I was told to use the word "borls" from now on, it's a combination of boys and girls, I had suggested "goys" but that was vetoed for some reason. Anyway, it's apparently very important that I appear to be gender neutral. No wait, that came out wrong, I'M not gender neutral, I'm all man. Which is not to say that being gender neutral is a bad thing. They just didn't want me to use the term boys because it implies that girls can't do data analysis, which might impact my "Bounce Rate." Shoot, did I say girls? I mean't WOMEN. Women can't do data analysis... No, no, nonono- I mean they can, of course they can. I'm just saying that that is how it would've come across and nothing could be further from the truth. Although there weren't any women in the room... there is no doubt in my mind that women ARE, in fact, capable of data analysis. And I would like to make it clear that I am in no way suggesting that Poodle is at all sexist. In fact the person that got me my coffee was a boy- MAN, the person that got me my coffee was a man. SOooooo, that's something. Wait a second...what were we talking about. ] 

But back to me. I found out more information about this site than you can shake a stick at. For instance, it turns out that people in every state in the union have visited Chin Music in the last month. Well almost every. Rhode Island didn't register, or Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, The Dakotas, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho (although I'm not sure they are still a state), Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, Utah and the District of Columbia. Oh, wait and New Jersey.

WHHHHHAAAAAAT? Nobody in New Jeresey has checked out this blog? Are you kidding me? I didn't notice that before. My wife is from New Jersey. My in-laws called the Garden State home for the better part of three decades. It is the Garden State, right?  That's so weird I was just with the them the other day and they were going on and on about how witty and funny I am. They went on to say that in fairness to the rest of the family I should just sit quietly during meals, cocktails and small gatherings because everyone can access my thoughts on the world through the blog, located at TripsChinMusic.blogspot.com. They all talked about how they liked reading my blog with breakfast. Hhmm, seems strange that exactly zero people from New Jersey have seen the site?It just doesn't add- Ahhh, you know what? They do live pretty close to the Pennsylvania boarder so maybe they just pack up the ol' 1993 Macintosh LC III desk top and dial up the interwebs at a Barnes and Noble. They have phone jacks at Barnes and Noble right? Yeah, that's probably it. Phew, there's ALWAYS a logical explanation, sometime you just have to dig.

Anywho, I also learned that tens of thousands of people have visited the site, some for as long as three minutes and seventeen seconds. There really isn't four minutes of content, so that's totally understandable. I have also been getting some really interesting feedback from you, the readers. Some of you would like me to stick to sports, while others prefer that I focus more on entertainment and still a third group "don't find [me] interesting in person much less on the internet", feel that I, "write like a sixth grader without a spell chekker," and that I, "should cease and desist all blog entries to TripsChinMusic.blogspot.com or risk further legal action," whatever THAT means. Hey, thanks for the feedback and keep it coming.

With all of the interesting bells and whistles at their disposal, "Poodle Stat-alytics" can also pinpoint specific areas where the site is trending well. This is very complicated and will go over most of your less educated heads but the upshot is I have some pretty hardcore fans in the Tennessee area. Apparently I have really struck a chord with a group of speed-reading cyber cowboys because they visit tripschinmusic.blogspot.com everyday for hours...although I find it odd that hey are never on the site for more than 7 seconds at a time. Talk about diehard, those guy-als rack up hundreds of hits EVERYDAY! What can I say, they can't get enough of Chin Music I guess. According to my dedicated on-line advertising specialist, its very common for clusters of people to find your blog when it hits the right nerve. He also told me that most of those people happen to live in Tennessee.

You know my wife laughed, and might've cried a little, when I told her that I was going to hire someone who specialized in the maximizing the monetization of blog. For only $2.99 per click.Well who's laughing now? Originally I had wanted to do Google Ad Words but then this guy e-mailed me. Talk about the Universe working for you. Came right out of the blue. Anyway I told this guy that I wanted to pay for each unique visitor but he told me that uniqueness is overrated, the key word for the Cloud 3.0 is "sameness." He says that as welcoming as I may be to other  people's differences, my writing really works best for people that are more homogeneous. Now I'm not gay, but he must know what he's talking about because he is a fully licensed Internet Marketing Consultant.

So things are moving pretty fast over here in Roch-Vegas, we have a bunch of new, really cool, interesting stuff that is coming down the pi- well, I guess technically we have new stuff you will have to determine the level of coolness and interest. At any rate, thanks for visiting my little rant machine and stay tuned will make more.



But perhaps the most interesting thing that I discovered in this little State of the Chin Music meeting were the demographics that I have tapped into. For example I do very well in the "stay-at-home-mom" ages 27-45, the "out-of-work-dad" ages 35-49, and the "reloading-web-surfers" male 18-35. Once again I was surprised to find out that my best demographic is the "bandwagon riding, fair weather enjoying, success piggy-backing, coattail gliding sycophants" ages 26-54.

This explains all of the harsh criticism I have received over the last several weeks about

Unfortunately for people with integrity loyalty isn't optional. It's that kind of blind faith that forces me to list Mad Dog and Glory on my list of overlooked movies of all-time.

Eric Massa is my Congressman.

Baset Chaudhry at Trinity

Ben Roethlisberger

Random Thoughts From Oscars

IT'S REALLY NICE TO HEAR THAT KATHY IRELAND GOT WORK. After wondering aloud what Miley Cyrus was going to do next, "Now that you have conquered comedy." Gigantor was sooo friggin' loud with Efron, I could hear her through the mute button. Maybe she could find work placing stars on Christmas trees?

Anyway, on with the show. Whoa, whoa, WHOA! I didn't know Jim Cameron was gay. How long has he been married to Clint Eastwood? Weird. 

Now on with the awards...but first, Mo'Nique is teaching everyone how blessed they are and more importantly how deserving she is of the inevitable honor. I think she's confusing beling blessed and lucky. It's sort of like the difference between irony and coincidence. I hate to be the barer of bad news, Mo, but the rest of these nominated ladies are blessed YOU are going to be the answer to a trivia question in three years. Don't get me wrong she seems really really good at beating and degrading children but she should ask Christopher Cross what happens when you get caught between the moon and New York City. Afterall Anne Ramsey was nominated for Best Supporting Actress. What? Oh, she played Momma in Throw Momma From The Train. It was nothing but award shows and accolades for the rest of her career too.  Look everybody agrees that the mighty Mo was great in Precious but that doesn't mean she gets to talk down to EVERYONE. Only Oprah can do that. [editor's note- Please don't misunderstand my rant. Mo was great but I can't take people that are preachy. And you know you are hated in Hollywood when Sam Jackson has a problem with you. If she was smart she would get Harpo to dub her as her heir apparent]

Let's go on with the show...wait was that Judd Nelson? Couldn't be.

To the Oscar's... is Sandy Bullock suppose to look like Nosferatu in a dress? I don't want to say she looks pale but Sherry Stringfield was asking her about her Bucket List. By the way I thought Sherry Stringfield was that girl on the original ER who quit and then did nothing with the rest of her career until she came back to ER. Oh, Sherri Shepherd. She's the lady that doesn't believe the Earth is round. Got it. She owes that 12-foot tall Autobot, Ka'vi Ireland, a debt of gratitude because she's making Sherri look comfortable and pithy.

Lights, camera, a- wow Cameron Diaz looks awful...I mean awful. Like she's been chain smoking cigarettes for four days just trying to keep the weight off. She makes me sad, but she was HOT in the Mask...in 1994.

Now let's raise the curtain...wait, why is Faith Hill's husband wearing a toupee? He sorta looks like Tug McGraw.

Ok, lets take a look at the actual show.

Neil Patrick Harris's opening was good. I'm a big fan of Dr. Horrible and while the suit was ridiculous I'm a sucker for an opening number, he's getting killed on the Howard Stern Show though. 

Martin and Baldwin are great, funny, good chemistry, and comfortable. Having said that the best opening monologue this weekend was done by Zach Galifinakis on SNL see below:

I love the John Hughes tribute. It's funny Paul Newman didn't get as big a tribute after he died and he raised over one billion dollars for his charities. Amazing. At this point you have all read, and probably re-read, my thoughts on Mr. Hughes so you won't be surprised to learn that I happen to think the Hughes thing is well deserved. He really hit a vein in the early Eighties, he didn't talk down to teenagers and most importantly was funny. A perfect way to end it with the "Life Moves Pretty Fast" line from Ferris. Wait, what're they doing? Who are these people? It must be easier to have the seat fillers enter from the stage I guess. Oh, no. No, no, no. THAT'S the Brat Pack? But who's the West Hollywood gigol- Holy Home Alone, Batman. And who is the walking Amber Alert in the back? Judd Nelson. Oh, my God! You know I'm scared that if I watch the Breakfast Club again I'm going to be rooting for Principal Dick Vernon and will relate to the Janitor. Depressing.

I'm doing the rest of this after the show.

I knew Hurt Locker going to sweep the night when they got best sound mixing. It proves that everyone in Hollywood is sick of Jim Cameron's success. You may or may not like Avatar but that movie should've won every single technical award. 

Hurt Locker was a very good movie but Inglourious Basterds was better in every way and I actually preferred Avatar as well. Here's who should've won:

Inglourious Basterds- Picture, Orig. Writing, Editing, C. Waltz (S. Actor)

Hurt Locker- Jeremy Renner (Actor)

Precious- The Mighty Mo (Sup. Actress)

Up In The Air- Adpt. Writing

Avatar- Director, Special Effects, Tech Stuff and Zoe Saldana (Best Actress)

What, how can I pick someone that played a ThunderSmurf? Because she carried that movie and had to act with a helmet on her head. Let's see Meryl Streep try that for a change. I mean the only difficulty presented to Ms. Streep in Julie and Julia were all of those French people. And Sandy Bullock wasn't REALLY that good in the Blind Side, didn't Judith Light or Judith Ivey or some friggin' Judith play the same part on a Lifetime movie starring Scott Baio or Helen Hunt in the 80's? 

So what did we learn during the Night of A Thousand Stars? That we all have Mo'Nique's comedic side to look forward to. That Alec Baldwin is as good at hosting as he is bad at parenting. That Steve Martin likes Botox, he really really likes Botox. That Robert Downey Jr. had the line of the night with 

It's a collaboration. A collaboration between handsome gifted people and sickly little mole people.

That Jeremy Renner doesn't mind coming in second, third, fourth or even last...when it comes to Jessica Simpson. We learned that every one of these starlets need to take a page from Helen Mirren and keep it simple. That damn Helen Mirren was the best looking woman at the show and she is almost 70. Keep it simple ladies. We discovered that the Uber-Bitter Kristen Stewart needs to quit smoking...or at least she needs to cough the phlegm out of her lungs BEFORE presenting at the Oscars rather than DURING. I think that that Werewolf kid caught a chunk of Kristen's lung on his sleeve. Cut to Camera Two. We also learned that people could make speeches without writing them down on a piece of paper... Well everyone except the an ACTUAL writer. Bravo to producer Adam Shankman, all of those hours of watching  your dancing show have really paid off for me. 

Now let's get on with the most important movie season...blockbuster time. Bring on The Losers, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Iron Man 2, Inception and Kick-Ass. 

My Bologna Has A First Name

As the great Rob Lowe once sang on the broadcast, "Rollin', Rollin', Keep Those Cameras Rollin'."

It time for me to once again share with you, the little people, my vast knowledge of the film industry. Today I will give you an insiders look into this year's Academy Awards.

First up there's good news and bad news when it comes to the pre-Oscar build up. The good news is Barba Wawa is stepping down from her annual duties giving us a behind the scenes look at a collection of the most pompous and eventually irrelevant actors and actresses in the movie industry. Barbara's personal brand on insipidity has given us some insight into our favorite matinee idols over the years. Who can forget Sean Connery sharing with America that he occasionally has to beat his wife around...you know when she's not listening. And I especially like the ever-earnest Billy Crystal comparing his preparation to his Oscar hosting duties to a baseball player prepping for the World Series. I especially loved when Babs cooed in response to Billy's boast the he would do as many as twenty push-ups just before he took the stage. No wonder they call it a "Special."

The bad news is that Harpo Winfrey has already taken over the mantle and has decided to do something new and fresh with it. And when I say new and fresh I mean she's stealing other people's ideas. Her twist is having stars interview other stars. It's hard to describe but...well let me see...oh I know it's Iconoclasts but on ABC. Oh, oh and Ms. Winfrey introduces each segment with pithy insight like, "Did you her Michael refer to Glen as Glenny?" Painful, but at this point I expect nothing less from Mrs. Gayle King. No wonder Sirius/XM pays her the big bucks.

I'm going to do a little breakdown of the Oscar's for tomorrow but in the mean time here are the winners:

Orig. Screenplay- Mark Boal, Hurt Locker
Adpt. Screenplay- Jason Reitman, Up In The Air
All the Special Effects and Technical Awards- Avatar
Live Action Short- The Door
Animated Short- Nick Park, Wallace & Grommit always win (Loaf and Death)
Orig. Song- T.Bone, The Weary Kind
Orig. Score- UP
Film Editing- this used to indicate the eventual winner of best picture, Avatar (Should be Inglourious Basterds)
Cinematography- Avatar
Art Direction- Avatar
Animated Film- UP
Foreign- The White Ribbon
Director- Kathryn Bigelow (Should be Jim Cameron)
Sup. Actor- Christoph Waltz
Sup. Actress- Mo'Nique
Actor- Jeff Bridges
Actress- Sandy Bullock
Picture- Everyone thinks its Avatar or Hurt Locker but because of the ten nominees and the STUPID way that they give points out the winner will be either Inglourious Basterds or Up In The Air. I'll take the Basterds in the biggest upset since Marisa Tomei winning for My Cousin Vinnie.

I'll see you on the other side.

This Daddy May Care

Really? Take your kid to work day? Anyone else see this little news item? You have got to be kidding me.

Ok, there are certain jobs that you don't get to bring your kid to work for and Air Traffic Controller at JFK is WAY up the list. Yep, in fact it may rank ahead of EVERY SINGLE JOB IN THE WORLD. No wait, Nuclear Bomb Dropper. That one comes in just ahead of Air Traffic Controller for jobs that you can't let your child do. But considering the fact that no body has dropped a bomb on populated area since 1945 Air Traffic Controller might get the nod for practical reasons.

I mean really. It's more understandable for a Brain Surgeon to allow her kid to take a few cracks with the ol' scalpel.

Ok, now carefully peel back the tissue and you will see the Amygdala. Good, good. Now slowly slice- NO, NO not the- Oooooh, nope...you missed it. THAT was the brain stem. Yeah, he's dead. Nice try though. Now remember, Johnny, only one person died here today because of you. It's not like I was irresponsible enough to let you control the lives of a plane full of people. HaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Could you imagine. 

Seriously, let's think about this for a second. Maybe I'm overstating this whole thing. Deep breath, in through the nose...out through the mouth.... And...Zen.

Ok, in terms of inappropriate jobs for the Miley Cyrus-set there are a few jobs that rank ahead of Air Traffic Controller. Like Mafia Hitman for instance. You don't want to take your kid out to whack someone, could be scarring. Porn Directors, Key Grips and Gaffers should probably steer clear of the Bring Your Daughter to Work days. Shamu Wrangler, Tiger Caddie, CIA Operative, Jay Leno Writer, New York City Comptroller, and French Diplomat are all professions that don't need to be shared with the next generation either. 

But as awful as those jobs are there is a limited risk involved. Sure they may scar your child forever and in some case could be harmful physically but none of those jobs involve keeping multi-million dollar vehicles,loaded with Jet fuel and hundreds of blissfully unaware civilians, from crashing into one another.

I don't like to brag but I took Principles of Flight (pass/fail), in college so I think I know a little something about aviation. OK? So, let me tell you something. Never, and I mean NEVER...take a course pass/fail senior spring where you have to learn how to fly a plane. BIG mistake. I could've taken Jazz where you just sit around listening to Dave Brubeck's Blue Rondo Ala Turk, but Noooooo I had to listen to Paulo. Wait, what were we talking about?

Air Traffic Controller kids! Right. I know what you're saying, "Trip, you are totally overreacting to this. Glenn Duffy was just letting his kid tell the Pilots that they were clear for take-off. No harm, no foul."

What? OK, I'm sorry I guess you're right. I should really let this thing go. No big whoop. I'll let it go...just as soon as YOU can tell me why the FAA makes you do the following in order to become an Air Traffic Controller:

• 4-year college degree or 3 years of full-time work experience
• completion of the FAA-Approved Air Traffic Control Program that amounts to a years worth of Graduate School
• Working knowledge of Trigonometry, Algebra, Micro and Macro Economics, Physics, Aviation Computer Systems and Electronics
• A full medical and psychological evaluation
• 15 hours in the simulator
• Must be older than 21, and can't start if you are older than 31. I'm not sure why that is everybody knows you keep getting smarter, faster and better looking once you hit 40.

Oh, yeah there's one more little, tiny, microsopic thing...you have to be able to speak. I'm sorry if I get a little nervous with the idea that some five year old kid might not properly enunciates his threes. God forbid!

"You're clear for landing US Airways Fo - Zewo - TREE." 

"What! A Tree? What tree? Where's the tree? AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Sully Sullenberger announced his retirement yesterday. 

Rock Out with Your Glock Out- My Review...without actually seeing the movie

This movie is a complete piece of deuce, I guarantee it. I am so confident that this movie sucks, that I am willing to watch every single episode of Jenna Elfman's show Scientology On Purpose, on a continuous loop, if I'm wrong. 

It's too bad too because I've been a fan of Bruce Willis since Moonlighting. But let's be honest, this movie is just an amateurish knock-off of Lethal Weapon with Tracy Morgan playing the Genie. You get a quick glimpse of Tracy Morgan's comic gold in some of the recent TV spots. "Scaw-Face." Funny, funny stuff.

I mean nothing is more annoying than watching an actor do bad impressions in a movie. Robin Williams seemed inventive in Aladdin, but that was a cartoon...and Genie's aren't real. Actors doing schtick is so cringe worthy that it makes those pre-school beauty pageants seem tolerable. If you need examples of "schtick" please rent the Robin Williams/Billy Crystal Criterion Collection Double Pack, available at Walmart. 

We all know that there are three major problems with this movie. 

Problem #1. Bruce Willis is desperately trying to stay relevant. This is a two pronged problem. First he wants to stay relevant with his audience. He had a knack for picking cool interesting material (12 Monkeys, Fifth Element, Pulp Fiction, Nobody's Fool) in the early 90's but he seems to have morphed into that old guy that wears hip/trendy close longer than he should. The only good news here is that he still looks like Bruce Willis. Meg Ryan had the same problem but ended up looking like this. She looks like Ally McBeal right? I KNOW!!! By the way the Mickey Rourke thing was too easy...and creepy.

And PRONG TWO. He's trying to stay relevant with his family. I mean marrying someone the same age as your kids only works for the mom. Bruce should try to avoid keeping up with Ashton. I'm not sure how it got there but THAT kid has a really big horseshoe in his rectum. There is just no other explanation for his popularity. He puts out more $#!+ than American Idol.  

Problem #2. BAD DIRECTING. Don't get me wrong I actually really like Kevin Smith. I find his success heartening. He has a loyal fanbase, mostly because he is loyal to them. He makes himself available, signs autographs and normally buys a second seat on airplanes. 

By the way, I happen to think that his writing is interesting. The problem with Kevin has ALWAYS been that he isn't a good director, doesn't have a good eye and edits poorly. It's funny, because he agrees. Or at least he has said as much in his stand-up ranting, interviews, Smodcasts, tweets, and in his own writing. 

I don't begrudge the man, and I actually think that it was rather brave for him to take a chance on directing a  Studio Comedy but it's time to move on now. Stick with the writing and producing. He should spend some time finding someone that can translate his stuff to the screen because I think that it could work with the right touch.

Problem #3. Tracy Morgan. This guy IS funny. Listen to him on Howard Stern and I defy you to stop before the end of the interview. You will literally sit in your car outside a potential listing laughing your ass off, as you get later and later for your appointment. Or something like that. 

He is also one of the most consistently funny things about 30 Rock, where he plays Tracy JORDan. Totally different person. He can't be an easy person to write for but someone will find a way to utilize him in a movie down the road, which will cause him to fall back off the wagon but that's a different story for a different time. If there is one positive about this movie its that anyone that watches it will have a new found respect for Tina Fey. 

Three strikes and you're out, or should I say, you're COP OUT. Get it? Bottom line, this movie isn't going to be any good and you know it. Rent and Evening with Kevin Smith, watch Tracy Morgan do his stand-up and follow Ashton Kutcher on Twitter.

One of the spoils of winning a medal in the Olympics is that bronze, silver and gold make you measurably better looking.

Scotty Lago did, with his newly earned Bronze Medal, what every right minded twenty year old would...he used it to meet girls. Unfortunately in this age of instant filterless media the United States Olympic Snowboarding "Powers-that-be" decided to send him home for acting in a manner outside the pillars of the Olympic Code of Conduct.

That's insane. I mean isn't that why you learn to snowboard in the first place, to impress girls? Well, that and you can get really good, um, "green products" made from hemp. There's a reason that they give out more condoms during the Olympics than at any single event during the year...that includes Mardi Gras by the way. You can look it up. 

The fact is the pictures were less then appropriate. Using your bronze medal to lure some unsuspecting co-ed into your demilitarized zone is cheesy and disrespectful. Although...were those pictures really any less appropriate than, oh I don't know, say the Russia Pair that danced their way to a Bronze thanks to their spot-on portrayal of African Tribesmen from a Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan movie? Maybe Tanith Belbin would've medaled had she stuck with her Homage to Al Jolson concept.

But was anyone REALLY hurt by the photos? No. Would you think less of the girl in the photo if you knew her? And if you were standing next to her, when you were in college wouldn't you be laughing right along with everyone else? It's harmless.

Look I don't have a problem with the Olympic Committee holding its athletes accountable for their actions but it is difficult to take them seriously when the line between right and wrong is such a moving target. They will absolutely not stand for suggestive pictures of girls biting medals...but NBC can do a full segment on Gretchen Bleiler's Maxim layout.  Give me a break.

Just so we're clear, Scotty Lago is guilty of only one thing...being a 22 year old male.

Here it is. The Tiger Apology. I actually thought that, while some what robotic, he actually came across as contrite and believable.  I especially liked that he had looked at himself and saw flaws that he had previously ignored (ie. Golf Etiquette) This whole thing is a win-win for all of us. Will he regain his spot as the best golfer in the world? Will he become a better role model for kids? Will Elin stay with him past the two-year money back guarantee? Will he have Rabbit Ears on the course? Will the galleries be for or against him on Sunday at a Major? Will  he continue to be the yard stick that AT&T uses for texting packages?

I don't know the answer to any of these...but it will be entertaining. It's okay to admit it.

Pound of Flesh? Yes Man!

Tiger is making a huge mistake. The reason this story is as big as it is is because of Eldrich's need to be treated differently than everyone else. He should get out there in front of a microphone, apologize and then take any questions, comments or thoughts from anyone interested in giving them. But it ain't gonna happen because he's different then we are and THAT's his fatal flaw.

Whether its on the golf course, in front of the media or behind the door of your local Champagne Room, the Cheetah wants special treatment. He is even getting special treatment during his treatment for, um, "sex addiction." Bottom line he thinks of himself as better than the rest of us. And by the rest of us I'm talking about you Kobe Bryant, Ray Lewis, Mark McGwire, Chris Brown, Whitney Houston, Alex Rodriquez, Bill Clinton et al. Tiger refuses to be human, even while he stands in front of a pile of cocaine in a maelstrom of machine gun fire. You see I'm alluding to Scarface...with Al Pacino...come on he refuses to admit that its over despite the odds. Ok, fine. It was weak, I'll admit it.

Unless you have been living under a rock, or have some modicum of a life outside of the Voyeur Olympics that passes for news these days, you know that the Cheetah is planning on holding press conference today at 11am. The word is that Tiger, with his usual ego-maniacal controlling panache, will allow a few members of the media along with a single pool camera to document this historic mea culpa for posterity.

Apparently Tiger plans to apologize for his behavior. It doesn't say here what behavior specifically, but it probably has to do with all of the temper tantrums, swearing, and bullying that have become synonymous with the greatest golfer in the world. Or maybe he's going to apologize for the hair plugs. No, wait Tiger is probably going to apologize for his rabbit ears on the golf course. You know, like when he shanks the ball off the tee and blames some 58 year old man for taking his picture. I mean how is he supposed to hit that little white ball with all that infernal clicking in the background?

Anyway, I'm not sure what it is El Tigre is going to apologize for, but I know that there won't be any questions, interviews or answers. And I don't think you will be allowed to look him directly in the eye. That goes double for you at home.

His super agent, and lead sycophant, Mark Steinberg described the infomercial selling Tiger's humanity thusly, "Tiger will assemble a small group of friends, colleagues and close associates to listen to what Woods has to say." Sort of like being granted a sitting with the Dalai Lama, I would image...well, if the Dalai Lama were a really creepy infantile prima donna with daddy issues.

Team Tiger is missing a golden opportunity here. Let's face it Tiger is currently surrounded by enough Yes Men to make Eddie Murphy jealous. Nobody in his "inner circle" has the Titleists to tell Tiger the truth. At every step of the way these guys have acted more like henchmen and less like trusted friends. We've all done stupid stuff, but a real friend makes sure that you don't "try to steal the cop car." He doesn't appear to have anyone in his camp that will tell him no. And it's THAT kind of behavior that gave us Norbit and She Wants To Party All The Time. 


If you believe the reports, and you have to if you believe he has been with more women than Jack Bauer has hours, he is currently distancing himself from the Roundabout Boys, saying that his association with these guys is partially responsible for his actions. Wait, what? Oh, I bet you have a problem with the validity in the reporting regarding the special treatment he's receiving at the hormonal adjustment facility he's been getting. Or the idea that he's paying off many of these, um, ladies. You can't have a problem believing any of the stories, even the one about Kate Hudson carrying his baby. Why? Because it all comes from the same sources that gave us the names on his bedpost. But I digress.

Look, I don't know whether Tiger was led the charge, passively supported or was forced into the 50 odd trysts over the better part of a decade, I just know that he was there. And I know that if you are the man you claim to be you need to stand up and take it on the chin. He owes his sponsors an apology and the children that have looked up to him. If Elin stays with Tiger I'm over feeling sorry for her, because now it's by choice.

I'd love to pretend that I'm a bigger person than this whole Tiger Woods story, but I still remember where I was when O.J. was getting chased, trying on the gloves and being acquitted of any wrong doing. So I guess I'll just hope that it's entertaining.

Judges Don't Need To Be Impartial...Just Famous

As I was taking in some of the Winter Olympics this weekend I couldn't help but feel that TV was missing something. All of this good natured competition in the name of country and consumerism is all well and good but can we really learn anything from it? If only there were a venue for really smart people, like celebrities, to impart their wisdom on the rest of us simple folk.


With that as a given, I was pleased to see commercial for a new television show called The Marriage Ref. It looks veeeerry promising. Apparently Jerry Seinfeld's latest foray into network television calls on noted relationship experts Alec Baldwin, Jerry Seinfeld, Matthew Jessica Parker and, fingers crossed, even Madonna to tell couples from middle America what's wrong with our relationships and hopefully their politics.  And while it may seem as though these millionaires are unfairly ridiculing the 15-minutes-of-fame junkies, remember that they do let them eat cake after the taping.

Thank goodness people like Ireland's Father and Sara Jessica's Bearderick have the courage to step to the fore and lecture- er, teach us the finer points and basic practices of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I can't wait for the Olympics to be over with so that we can start enjoying The Marriage Ref, a television show that teaches while it entertains.


I will reserve total judgement until after I get to see the first full episode but with NBC behind it, it has GOT to be a winner. As much as it pains me to say it, something tells me we will definitely learn something that none of us ever wanted to admit from this show...that Larry David was solely responsible for the success of Seinfeld.