Pound of Flesh? Yes Man!

Tiger is making a huge mistake. The reason this story is as big as it is is because of Eldrich's need to be treated differently than everyone else. He should get out there in front of a microphone, apologize and then take any questions, comments or thoughts from anyone interested in giving them. But it ain't gonna happen because he's different then we are and THAT's his fatal flaw.

Whether its on the golf course, in front of the media or behind the door of your local Champagne Room, the Cheetah wants special treatment. He is even getting special treatment during his treatment for, um, "sex addiction." Bottom line he thinks of himself as better than the rest of us. And by the rest of us I'm talking about you Kobe Bryant, Ray Lewis, Mark McGwire, Chris Brown, Whitney Houston, Alex Rodriquez, Bill Clinton et al. Tiger refuses to be human, even while he stands in front of a pile of cocaine in a maelstrom of machine gun fire. You see I'm alluding to Scarface...with Al Pacino...come on he refuses to admit that its over despite the odds. Ok, fine. It was weak, I'll admit it.

Unless you have been living under a rock, or have some modicum of a life outside of the Voyeur Olympics that passes for news these days, you know that the Cheetah is planning on holding press conference today at 11am. The word is that Tiger, with his usual ego-maniacal controlling panache, will allow a few members of the media along with a single pool camera to document this historic mea culpa for posterity.

Apparently Tiger plans to apologize for his behavior. It doesn't say here what behavior specifically, but it probably has to do with all of the temper tantrums, swearing, and bullying that have become synonymous with the greatest golfer in the world. Or maybe he's going to apologize for the hair plugs. No, wait Tiger is probably going to apologize for his rabbit ears on the golf course. You know, like when he shanks the ball off the tee and blames some 58 year old man for taking his picture. I mean how is he supposed to hit that little white ball with all that infernal clicking in the background?

Anyway, I'm not sure what it is El Tigre is going to apologize for, but I know that there won't be any questions, interviews or answers. And I don't think you will be allowed to look him directly in the eye. That goes double for you at home.

His super agent, and lead sycophant, Mark Steinberg described the infomercial selling Tiger's humanity thusly, "Tiger will assemble a small group of friends, colleagues and close associates to listen to what Woods has to say." Sort of like being granted a sitting with the Dalai Lama, I would image...well, if the Dalai Lama were a really creepy infantile prima donna with daddy issues.

Team Tiger is missing a golden opportunity here. Let's face it Tiger is currently surrounded by enough Yes Men to make Eddie Murphy jealous. Nobody in his "inner circle" has the Titleists to tell Tiger the truth. At every step of the way these guys have acted more like henchmen and less like trusted friends. We've all done stupid stuff, but a real friend makes sure that you don't "try to steal the cop car." He doesn't appear to have anyone in his camp that will tell him no. And it's THAT kind of behavior that gave us Norbit and She Wants To Party All The Time. 


If you believe the reports, and you have to if you believe he has been with more women than Jack Bauer has hours, he is currently distancing himself from the Roundabout Boys, saying that his association with these guys is partially responsible for his actions. Wait, what? Oh, I bet you have a problem with the validity in the reporting regarding the special treatment he's receiving at the hormonal adjustment facility he's been getting. Or the idea that he's paying off many of these, um, ladies. You can't have a problem believing any of the stories, even the one about Kate Hudson carrying his baby. Why? Because it all comes from the same sources that gave us the names on his bedpost. But I digress.

Look, I don't know whether Tiger was led the charge, passively supported or was forced into the 50 odd trysts over the better part of a decade, I just know that he was there. And I know that if you are the man you claim to be you need to stand up and take it on the chin. He owes his sponsors an apology and the children that have looked up to him. If Elin stays with Tiger I'm over feeling sorry for her, because now it's by choice.

I'd love to pretend that I'm a bigger person than this whole Tiger Woods story, but I still remember where I was when O.J. was getting chased, trying on the gloves and being acquitted of any wrong doing. So I guess I'll just hope that it's entertaining.