Pump the Brakes

Ok, ok, ok. I get it Brett Favre made a great play and I think that he really seems to be staying within the offense, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's a long season.

I seem to remember a similar story 12 months ago when the whole Eastern Seaboard was preparing for the inevitable Giants-Jets showdown in Superbowl XLIII. Both teams were flying high, Burress was still catching touchdown passes from Eli and young Mr. Favre was being referred to as Broadway Brett. What a difference a year makes, huh?

There are only certain things we can count on in the, Jerry Glanville labelled, "Not For Long" League.

First, we know that Dallas can build a stadium that floats in the air while solving the financial meltdown and it still won't help them win in the Playoffs. Sorry, Jerry. That stadium will be a major draw for musicians, concerts, conventions, circuses and tractor pulls, but it won't attract winning football until you hire Shannahan or Holmgren.

Second, teams records after the first month are always skewed. The NFL's schedule is set up to create parity. The better teams in the league from the previous season typically have a harder schedule early to create balance, and vice versa. Look at Denver, everybody is saying that the Donkeys are having the last laugh because they are 3-0. I promise the same geniuses will be singing a different tune when we look back five weeks from know, when they are 3-5. Check the schedule and their roster, if they're .500 it's a moral victory.

Third, and most importantly, Brett Favre is going to disappoint everyone. He's like a guy who can't quit drinking. Sure he'll go along nicely for awhile, everyone will say "look it's the NEW Brett Favre", the Vikings will be on their way to the playoffs, but then suddenly and without warning...blammo back to earth. Just like the temporarily sober drunk, he will get all preachy about the genius of Childress and he'll throw some old coaches under the bus nationally by saying that if he had only been coached by him before he would have won two or three more Superbowls. But it will all be a lie and everyone will be left wondering how they didn't see it coming.

Well everyone, that is, except me.

You know the old saying...there's nothing better than hosting an Open House, well except for gout or maybe full scrotal engorgement.

Tapping into that Potential

Vince Young is finally tapping into his potential...as a man. Bravo, Vince.

Check out the article here about how Vince Young spent his Wednesday.

Dad for a Day-

Hopefully this will be a turning point for Mr. Young. Coming out of college Vince Young was considered a better leader than he was a football player. He had a competitive spirit that was said to be larger than Roger Clemens' and it was believed by many that he had the play making ability to revolutionize the sport.

I have never been a fan of Vince Young the football player, but today I am a fan of Vince Young the man.

Saltating Over Man Eating Fish with Alacrity

Recently, I found myself becoming angry at my flat screen television. This inanitmate object had never done anything to me in the past so why did I suddenly feel the urge to throw it out the window. It was at that moment that I realized my anger was misplaced. The cause for my anger were the Play-by-Play announcers and Studio hosts that I was forced to listen too. They were the problem, not my loyal tv.

The following is a list of announcers/hosts that have "Jumped the Shark". For those not in the know, John Hein, currently of the Howard Stern Wrap Up Show, coined the phrase refering to the moment when a television show loses its relevance. In the case of Happy Days it was when the Fonz jumped a shark pen on water skis.

So here goes, and in no particular order...

Bob Costas- In his day he was the Gold Standard of Studio Hosts. He never tried to be bigger than the game. That was until he got his own interview show on HBO. Not to be confused with his NBC Show. The NBC show was actually terrific and ranks with Dick Cavett and vintage Johnny Carson as one of the great interview shows of all-time. No, something happened when he went to HBO, maybe it was caused by his one time partner Bob Uecker, but for some reason he suddenly felt as though he could be funny. [editor's note- Bob Uecker IS funny and wrote one of the great books of all-time. Buy it!] Every interview with a comedian on the HBO show became open mic night at the Funny Bone starring little Bobby Costas. Ugh, I need a brillo pad to scrub away the douche chills just thinking about it. Bob, you should be the next Commissioner of Baseball...but you're not funny...and I mean EVVVVER! 

Al Michaels- Once again, Michaels at one point was the best play-by-play guy in the business. People forget how well he did baseball games and that, beyond the "Do You Believe in Miracles" line, his ability to call hockey games was highly underrated. However today, my pal AL is desperate to have the booth to himself. Michaels seems to have genuine disdain for his booth mates and regularly steps on Fouts, Dierdorf, Madden and Collinsworth during broadcasts. Al you're no athlete, you never coached, you never played and just because you have watched a bunch of games doesn't make you more knowledgeable than those that have. I mean, let's face it I've watched a ton of movies but it doesn't mean I know what it's like to actually direct one. You have NO credibility when it comes to color commentary, leave it to the former players, coaches and general managers. And for the record, unless you're Vin Scully, you NEVER get to be solo in the booth...so let it go.

Chris Berman- I used to work with this guy, met him at the urinal, true story. As aloof as Chris is he was very gracious in giving me, literally, ever single nickname he had for EVERY SINGLE major leaguer during the summer of 1992. As gracious as he was...he is a blow hard now. It pains me to say it, but he just doesn't bring anything new to the table. ESPN needs to pay proper respect to Boomer, but they also need to ween off of the big guy and find a way to send him out to pasture. Maybe he could be a host at Long John Silver's? "Welcome to the Long John Silver's see the picture of him he looks like he could've played for the RRRRrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy-Duuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrzzzz!" Where's that Brillo Pad?

Dick Enberg- For someone that is supposed to be the literary voice of broadcasters he doesn't write to good...or at least his producers don't. Enberg has always come across as that guy you know that thinks he's the smartest guy in the room, and yet everyone avoids getting into a conversation with him at parties. His personal commentaries are underwhelming at best and insipid at worst. He is always "painting a picture" for the viewer. It makes me what to shove knitting needles in my ears. His play-by-play of Steelers football games was the reason that I got a lifetime subscription to Sirius Radio. Now Enberg is relegated to drops ins for golf coverage and tennis play-by-play. John McEnroe must want to jump out of the press box when Enberg and Carillo get going. Johnny Mac deserves better.

Jim Nantz- He has to be a better guy than he seems. I mean he's best buddies with Fred Couples right? And who doesn't root for Freddie? Nantz needs to stick with the Masters and give up the rest. He can't do football, he should have been benched from college basketball with Billy Packer and as far as going back to being a studio host? Give me Brent Musberger all day long. The guy is the cure for insomnia and he happens to have an encyclopedic knowledge of all things golf. He's perfect for the bikini wax banning bores from Augusta. You know, Nantzie might be the reason why you can't watch 18 holes of golf on television without taking a nap. Hurrmm?

Announcers don't have to Jump the Shark, they can remain a conduit for the games that they cover. Jon Miller does that in baseball, Steve Levy does it in hockey, Chris Fowler does it as the host of College Football Game Day and Mike Tirico can do it for anything.

I just got through listening to Ernie Harwell thank the fans of Detroit. Who will these guys thank? It's a shame that they got so high on themselves, each was considered the best in the business at one point and all have lost their way.

Hey boys, why don't you pump the breaks on that Ego Train of yours and take a look at Ernie Harwell, Vin Scully, Jack Buck and Curt Gowdy for a second. And if the thought of doing that makes you uncomfortable, if the very idea of allowing the game to be the star gives you the sweats, maybe it's time to hang up the ol' Network Logo Emblazoned Sport Coat.

Hump Day

Jay Leno must have pictures of somebody hidden somewhere because there is no less talented millionaire in the world. And that includes the New York City doorman that won the lottery last year. I mean at least that guy could open doors.

It is absolutely inexplicable to me that NBC, under the "guidance" of Jeff Zucker, would hitch its entire primetime wagon to this guy. Not only will this move fail, it will also kill the one sure thing NBC has always been able to count on, Late Night Progamming. Brandon Tartikoff must be spinning in his grave. This is a classic example of network executives being too smart for their own good. They absolutely over thought the whole late night thing. They were winning in the ratings and had proven that they could find a replacement in the 12:30 slot. So why not keep Leno where he was and let Conan walk?

Don't get me wrong, Leno sucks, I would rather watch Katie Couric's colonoscopy on a loop than sit through Leno interviewing anyone. But he had the ratings. For some reason people find watching Leno comfortable, maybe it's because he steals bits from Stern, Paar, Leterman, Allen and they know what they are going to get. I'm not a Conan guy either but at least he comes up with new ideas. Leno's unwatchable, I had to turn the TV off, during Sunday Night Football In America With Bob Costas, Keith Obermann, Dan Patrick, Rodney Harrison, Tiki Barber and Peter King, when the aforementioned Mr. Costas was forced to interview Jay.

The first episode of The Jay Leno Show was a perfect example of why Leno is out of his depth in primetime. Having Jerry Seinfeld on the show would have been topical...a decade ago, Oprah Winfrey's ratings are off by almost 10%, and that whole "Interview with President Obama" thing was schticky when Not Necessarily the News did it on HBO with President Reagan...IN THE EIGHTIES! No, Leno is awful and if Mr. Zucker knows what's good for him he will pull the ripcord immediately.

Speaking of talentless hacks, that Kanye West interview last night absolutely fell into Leno's lap... and  yet he did nothing with it. I mean, Leno must have a horse shoe buried in that chin of his because Kanye is the biggest get out there, this side of Phil Garrido. Why not have Kanye grab the mic from Jay during the beginning of the show? Maybe have Kanye read his list of Video Music Award Winners.  Something, anything other than Serious-Jay interviewing Mr. West about his mom. Seriously? Who is producing this drivel?

If I was Conan I would punch Jay in the mouth because the Tonight Show w/ Conan O'Brien has a very short shelf life as long as it follows The Jay Leno Show. The irony is that the only thing that will come out of this primetime experiment will be a punchline. Somewhere Johnny Carson is smiling.

The Jay Leno Show is going to be responsible for killing two talk shows at once...not even The Magic Hour could say that.

Serena Ugly

If the United States Tennis Association has any backbone at all they will suspend Serena Williams from next year's US Open.

Serena Williams outburst last night was so completely over-the-top that she should be forced to sit out next year's tournament. It isn't going to happen, but there is absolutely NO excuse for threatening the life of a line judge. She is lucky that legal action hasn't been taken. And to make matters worse she acted like a spoiled brat during the news conference immediately following her dismissal from the 2009 Semi-Finals.

Her attitude during the post match interview session was embarassing. She feigned amnesia when it came to recalling her tirade, acted shocked at the notion the line judge might have felt threated and demonstrated a complete lack on contrition.By the way she also made it seem like she was just off to a slow start in the match. Rewatch the tape Serena, Kim Clijsters was in complete control of that match from the jump.

Ms. Williams should have thrown herself at the mercy of the court, apologized for her behavior and personally sought out that line judge's forgiveness. Instead she preened, grimaced and even laughed at the notion that the line judge might have felt threated because she has "never even been in a fight." Oh, THAT makes a lot of sense. Are you kidding me? Go away.

Just because she can hit a yellow ball doesn't give the right to be a bully. She violently threatened a woman that has the thankless job of watching a line seven hours a day. Very brave Serena. Look, people are going to start comparing this to McEnroe, Connors and Nastase. All I can say is don't. This isn't the same thing. Swearing at a judge and calling them stupid are totally different than telling someone that you are going to shove a tennis ball into their lower intestines. It's not even in the same league.

The fact is this is singularly the worst behavior by a professional athlete on the playing field that I can remember and I keep thinking that it borders on criminal.

Do the right thing USTA and bench her... today

Conspiracy? No, Just the Truth

Thanks a lot John Madden. I hope you sleep well. Troy Polamalu is out for a month and a half, mission accomplished.

For those people that don't see the forest through the trees, John Madden has been doing his best Tessio impression for a decade. Exacting revenge for the Godfather in a Jumpsuit, Al Davis. Apparently, coach Madden and Alvis Davis still haven't gotten over the Immaculate Reception with the latest victim of Madden cover jinx. The most electric player in the NFL is out and who should I see about that? Conspiracy or accidental coincidence?

This was no boating accident. Just look at the facts.


For a decade Al Davis has been using John Madden to do his bidding by passive aggressively awarding the cover of the multi-billion dollar video game to the player that rubs the Minister of Darkness the wrong way.

Barry Sanders was the first cover boy, played for the Lions and was never in any real position to hurt the Raiders. That is until the schedule makers had the Lions opening the season against the Raiders,. That just would not do, so Al allowed the Hall-of-Fame running back to retire quietly with no explanation prior to the season.

Next up Dorsey Levens. Levens was a true overachiever with the Green Bay Packers and had as much to do with getting to those two Super Bowls as anyone this side of Reggie White. The Raiders chose to draft running back Calvin Jones with Levens still on the board  and Davis made a point of mocking Ron Wolf's selection of Levens later in the draft. Levens actually commented on the Raider Chief's dis during the Packers first run to the Super Bowl. Sure Dorsey was just sticking up for himself but nobody puts Baby in a corner. Levens needed to go down and he had to go down Hahhd. Levens was cut from the Packers just after the games release date.

The cover jinx picked up steam with Eddie George. Eddie was a Pros Pro. Hard nosed, ultra durable and clearly more talented than Ricky Dudley, a tight end and teammate of George's at Ohio State. Al probably fell asleep during the scouting report and selected the the apt-named Dudley five slots ahead of George. This was the first time Al used his dark magic, as he summoned the Football Beezlebub during the second half of the AFC Championship Game against the Baltimore Ravens. Eddie's costly fumble late in the game lost the game for the Titans and George never regained his status as an elite back. Today Eddie best known as the husband of that woman from Survivor.

Don't make Al look bad, you wouldn't like him if he looks bad. 

Cover boy, and former league MVP, Shaun Alexander was drafted 19th overall by the Seahawks in 2000. The Raiders had the 17th overall pick that year and Al selected... Sebastian Roofie-kowski. By the way Janikowski is a kicker!

Vince Young? This one was actually done as a favor to former Raider Kerry Collins. It's a little convoluted, but rumor has it the Kerry Collins actually has pictures of—I shouldn't spread rumors. Let's just say Al Davis really, really likes Alpaca.

Mike Vick, Duante Culpepper, Donovan McNabb? Al is a well known dog lover, regularly charters boats with stripper poles and loves him some T.O..

I know what you're saying, "What about Madden 'favorite' Brett Favre? Sure he had a bad year with the Jets and is destined to ruin the Vikings Super Bowl aspirations, but Madden loves that guy."

Does he? Does he, really? Or is it all just a clever ruse, a head fake to throw us off the scent?

How do you think Al feels about drafting Todd Marijuana-vich the former Southern Cal. quarterback. Oh, I'm sure he's fine with it, I mean it's not like there was anybody else on the board when the Raiders drafted that guy in the first round. Well, except maybe that strong armed kid from Louisiana that was selected nine picks later by the Falcons. Which kid? You guessed it...Brett Favre.

Any questions? Look it's only a matter of time until we hear about a mysterious lis franc injury from Larry Fitzgerald. Because the ONLY time in the history of the Raiders organization that Al Davis was talked out of drafting speed above all else, they selected back-up guard Robert Fabio Gallery with the second overall pick. One spot ahead of...wait for it...Larry Fitzgerald. Larry we hardly knew ya.

Maybe it's a coincidence but Madden recently said he would like to see his video game expand into college football. Oh, that's probably just a good business decision don't you think. It probably has nothing to do with getting back at a certain loud mouth coach in Tennessee that made a point of embarrassing Mr. Davis in public. Yeah, I'm sure that's nothing...

The truth is out there...

The Weekly Whittler: Super Bowl Prediction

Ok, here's the deal I am going to take a topic and whittle away everything that isn't the answer.

Topic- Super Bowl Champs

Kansas City, St. Louis, Detroit, Tampa Bay can't win because, well let me use a movie analogy. These teams remind me of those Transformers films. No, not because they are in the middle of a large overhaul where they are Trans-Forming into somethin- it's because they are AWFUL, terrible? Legendarily bad.You can put Megan Fox at Quarterback and they would still stink. They'd be more watchable but they would still stink.

Speaking of bad, no team from the NFC West can win the Super Bowl. I'm pretty sure that that was the deal Eddie DeBartolo made with the Devil but I can't confirm it. At any rate it's a rule. Sure they can make the Super Bowl, but even last year when the Flying Fitzgeralds made their run it was an illusion. That team was 9-7. That's ridiculous, a good team goes 12-4 every year in that division. So we can easily cut Arizona, San Francisco, and Seattle away as well.

While we are on the topic of easy cuts Denver and Cleveland aren't in the discussion either. Two words- Belichick Tree.

The Idiot Owner Theorem tells us that Dallas, Washington, Cincinnati and, of course, Al Davis are out of the running. And while Miami isn't techincally covered by the IOT, they do seem desperate to join that club. This is evidenced by their apparent desire to increase their Idiots in Ownership Index, which as everyone knows plays a part in the aforementioned Theorem. The unintended consequence of this increase is that they MUST be eliminated from consideration because no team owned by Mark Anthony can win a football championship. They're OUT.

Teams with losers playing pivotal roles must also be whittled away. So let's play word association, shall we? I'll say a team and then you say the first L-O-S-E-R that comes to mind. Who's with me...
Chicago-...Jay Jeffrey George Cutler
Buffalo-...Give me a T. "Teeeeeee!" Give me an O. "OOoooooooooooooh!" What's it spell? "Hasn't won a playoff game since he caught passes from STEVE YOUNG."
Jacksonville-...their "Fans". Any fanbase whining about Blackout rules are pathetic LOSERS and the Football Gods will, in Sam Jackson's voice, "strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison" our beloved game.
San Diego-..Norv Turner. Wait, no LaDanian Tomlinson- er- the Spanos family. Nahnahnah No wait a second Shawn Tequila Sunset Merriman. Do I have to pick just one? Ok, I'll go with Tomlinson, because you can't hijack a nickname from a Monster like LT and then tap out of every single playoff game that you have ever played in. Tomlinson's the loser and the Chargers need to be hewn.

Even in the few exceptions where teams won Super Bowls without a top shelf Quarterback, you still have to have one that plays the part. These teams don't have one.
Carolina- Jake Delhomme, great story... not going to win a Super Bowl.
Houston- Matt Schaub, could be a Super Bowl caliber QB if he could stay on the field. He most recently got injured by the paint on the sideline.
New Orleans- Drew Brees, no team has ever won a Super Bowl with a midg- er, Little Person playing the toughest position in sports.
New York (AFC)- Mark Sanchez, no team has ever won with a rookie QB, but he'll be back down the road.
Minnesota- Brett Favre, despite what you hear from Ron Jaworski, Brett Favre hasn't been a reliable QB since the turn-of-the-century. The last play of the year for Minnesota's offense WILL be a pick, write it down.

For those keeping track that leaves the following teams:
Pittsburgh, Baltimore, New England, Indianapolis, Tennesee, Green Bay, New York (NFC) and Philadelphia.

Let's go NFC first.
Philadelphia must be whittled away for several reasons. The most important of which is that my Western New York bias kept, Syracuse grad, Donovan McNabb of the list of losers. Face it the one time, in six, that he actually got the Eagles to the Super Bowl he looked like an extra in the "Barf-o-Rama" scene from Stand By Me. We can chop the Eagles!
Atlanta feels like a team that is going to take a small step backward before making the leap into the big time. Matty Ice looked completely out of his depth in the playoffs last year and against a defense that wasn't really that good [editor's note- All nicknames with the word Ice in it should be eliminated. It shows no creativity and always sounds like nails on a chalk board when I hear them]. The Falcons go the way of the Dodo.

That leaves Green Bay and New York (NFC). My heart wants to pick the Packers because it would bother the national media to have a Favre-less Packer team in the Super Bowl. I also think that Dom Capers will have an immediate effect on their defense and that Aaron Rogers is one of the best five Quarterbacks in the league. Having said that, Rogers has to prove his durability and the running game is suspect. They're out which puts New York (NFC) in the Super Bowl against...

The AFC
Tennessee is out. Jeff Fisher just feels like one of those coaches that will never win the big one. Put him on the list of all-time great coaches but his list includes Don Coryell, Bud Grant, Marv Levy, and Dan Reeves. Plus Kerry Collins is still the Quarterback. Detonate the Titans.


Baltimore must be eliminated as well. That defense continues to produce, but the running game is weak and Joe Flacco hasn't proven that he can play well against the Steelers. Bye, Bye Birdies

The best thing to happen in the NFL in recent years was Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning winning the Super Bowl in 2006. Both good guys and well deserved. Now that we have that out of the way, Peyton throws too many picks in th playoffs and gets happy feet under consistent pressure. Indy's Defense is lost without Sanders and Freeney, and both show signs of wearing down. Indianapolis must be shaved off.

This leaves New England and Pittsburgh. Bill and the Belicheats seem to have picked up where they left off before the Brady injury on offense and with perennial nightmare Fred Taylor joining the backfield they could put up comparable numbers to 2007. But the defense is untested and undermanned. With the recent Seymour trade, as well as the entire draft strategy this year, it seems the Pats are setting up to reload in next years draft, which coincidently happens to be an uncapped year. Shrewed. But none of that helps them this year. Carve New England away from this years totem.

Super Bowl Prediction
New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
To bad Wellington Mara and The Chief Art Rooney aren't alive to see this matchup. In the battle of the 2004 Quarterbacks Big Ben will have the upper hand. The Steelers defense could be legendary this year and Mike Tomlin is on his way to becoming immortal. Both the offense and defense have added talent to last years team and they have a focus that was lacking from the 2006 team. Remember the names Lawrence Timmons, Mike Wallace and Stefan Logan. Steelers win 35-10

NO SELLOUTS? ASK FOR BAILOUTS

So, the NFL is thinking about loosening up their rules regarding local blackouts. Well, "GOOOOD for YOOUUUUU!"

For those not in the know The NFL Blackout rules stipulate that any game that doesn't sellout 48-hours prior to kick-off will be blacked out in 90 mile radius from the stadium. Pretty basic concept, if your city doesn't support your team live the NFL isn't going to support the broadcast. Simple right? Except now, with the economic environment being what it is, many highly respected talking heads and writers are suggesting that the NFL make an exception to the rule and allow the teams to air their half empty games locally.

Well I think that's just adorable. I mean in this day and age it's so difficult to come up with the money for a ticket. And these poor downtrodden fans deserve to be rewarded for wanting to watch the games from home. I mean why not let them watch the games, What's the harm?
You know what, why stop there, why not let the fans save a couple of bucks by bringing their own beers to the games? Make the game BYOB. They could let the fans that show up brown bag it instead of having to pay $9 for a hot dog, every little bits helps right?  Actually why not let the fans bring grills into the game, you know to get that whole tailgating vibe. You know bring a little Hibachi into the game and just throw it on to a couple of the empty seats. I mean they're not being used anyway right? Just cook the ole Kielbasas right from your seat while you're enjoying the game.
You know, come to think of it, I think that it's the economy that is keeping the Yankees from selling out their games in the Wind Tunnel That Ruth Built. And I'm pretty sure the whole Los Angeles-Fan-Apathy-Theory is totally off base. The real reason that every single incarnation of Professional Football has failed in the City of Angles was the flagging economies of 1926, 47, 50, 67, 74, 82-95, and 2000.

The economy, really? The "Economy" is the problem? If we're sticking with that story we might want to do SOME research. Don't get me wrong, our current economic downturn has hit every body in every walk of life, but it doesn't translate to the major sports globally. As a diehard Steelers fan I couldn't tickets to a Steelers game if my life depended on it. That must be because the economy is just singing along in Pittsburgh, huh. I know what you're whining, "But Trip the Steelers are always great and they're the defending Super Bowl champs." Well my simple response to that is yes the Steelers ARE awesome but it certainly doesn't explain why the Milwaukee Brewers are operating at a 90% capacity todate, does it? I don't think anybody is going to tell me that Milwaukee, a city that hasn't produced anything since Laverne DeFazio, is riding high during this global thermal nuclear meltdown.

And even if you can negotiate your way through all of that, explain to me why Detroit, the poster city for this Economic Crisis, regularly ranks in the top third for attendance in every major sport, other than football (special thanks to Matt Millen and the Fords for that). You just can't do it. 

Attendance for everything in the world relies on one of two things, the product and whether there is anything better to do. It's simple. In Pittsburgh the Steelers great, people watch the games. In Milwaukee there isn't anything better to do, people watch the games. In Los Angeles you can be skiing, swimming, surfing, smuggling, star gazing, sky diving and stripping within that same 90 mile radius. The result, a line of cars driving AWAY from Dodger Stadium while Kirk Gibson hobbled around the bases. In fact the only sport that is traditionally successful from an attendance stand point in LA are the Lakers. Two reasons for that , they're always good and the smog levels are traditionally at their most dangerous during the winter.

The NFL should tell the teams that are having trouble selling tickets to look at the Steelers, Patriots, and Packers for some ideas. They could also look to terrible teams that still sellout games like the Redskins, Cowboys and Browns, those teams have proven year after year that just because you can't win a playoff game doesn't prevent you from selling out.

And if they still can't get people to fill the stadiums? Let 'em die on the vine. Believe me there are plenty of places that would support an NFL team and the free market will determine where those places are.

So if the NFL decides to lift Blackout rule, I say shame on them. But if they do, send each of the true diehard fans in each of the sold out cities a tax credit for every game they attend. And don't stop there. I think that the NFL should pay the property taxes for all of the diehards that DIDN'T get to go to those games as well. Starting with Steeler fans.

Disney Gives Up On Being Creative

There's nothing more American than making money on other people's talent. The New York Yankees have done it for over one hundred years and have won one out of every four World Series ever played; Clive Davis, who couldn't keep beat with a metronome, owns the recording industry because collects singers like Bobble heads; and, even Bill Gates would admit, under large doses of Sodium Pentathol, that he lifted everything from Steve Jobs.

Yet pundits in every field get carpal tunnel over the hand wringing that goes on over this exact kind of free market manipulation. Well I say get over it. The free market is designed for this exact thing.

Disney bought Marvel Entertainment and now I am supposed to be indignant about Corporate America running amok. But do you want to know something? I'm all for it. After proving its dominance in the Tween Girls market, by making stars out of churlish shriekers Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus, Disney obviously wanted to tap into...well, ANY other market. Disney thought it had created its own niche in the Amusement-Park-Ride-into-Franchise-Business with the release of Pirates of the Caribbean, but soon realized the cupboard was pretty bare when it Eddie Murphied Haunted Mansion.

Over the last two decades Disney has proven that it can't compete creatively anymore, as evidenced by their failures in, of all things, Animated Feature Films. Think about that for a second, Disney had the third best Animation Studio before they bought Pixar. For years Disney appeared to have its head in the Cryogenic Chamber while Dreamworks and Pixar dove head first into the 3-D world. Under the watchful eye of Michael Eisner, Disney lost millions of dollars making such instant classics as the Mulan and the Emperor's New Groove. No, creativity is in cold storage next to Walt's head and all of the copies of Donald Duck dressed as a Nazi in Der Fuehrer's Face. So they bought Pixar for almost 8 Billion Dollars and overnight they became relevant again.

The Entertainment du Jour are Superheroes. The idea of media outlets covering a Comic Book Convention ten years ago would have been laughable. But today you are guaranteed to find Billy Bush there doing a live remote. [editor's note- the fact that Billy Bush hasn't been punched in the face amazes me] The Comic-Con is a conduit to the most loyal fanbase in entertainment and Disney has been no where to be found. So Mickey and boys needed to get into the Superhero business. Unfortunately the track record with superheroes at the Mouse House has been less then stellar. In fact the last time Disney created a superhero Kurt Russell Wore Tennis Shoes. It's hard to believe that their Michael Jackson-centric superhero, Captain Eo, didn't take off. Hard to imagine people having difficulty believing that guy was a superhero, Eee Heee.

Disney was looking to pull another Pixar Gambit and Marvel was ripe for the picking on many levels. First, Marvel Studios is positioned for long-term success in all things entertainment. Cartoons, Television, DVD, Animated Features, Movie Franchises and, at the top of the food chain, Video Gaming. Second, they have an endless supply of characters and storylines this eliminates the whole lack of creativity thing. And, finally, lets face it we are talking about a bunch of guys, in Marvel, that write comics and likely have never been picked for anything. From the playground to Junior Prom these guys have been breathing heavy on the glass of the puppy store for decades and finally someone shows some interest. Talk about shooting fish in a barrel. I mean these guys could have held out for Pixar money but were probably falling all over each other to accept the Disney love. Talk about losers. It's sad really.

Anyway, the most important thing to consider in all of this is obvious. Are they still planning to go forward with the Ryan Reynolds Deadpool spin-off of the X-Men? Or, wait are we still going to get The Avengers to the big screen by 2011? And who is going to play Captain America? Will there be an Iron Man ride at Disney World- Wait, wait does this mean we will finally get to see a proper depiction of the Dark Phoenix Saga in its original animated form. Or a reboot for The Fantastic Four? Ooohh boy, I can just see it know 3-D Spider-Man starring Joe Gordon-Levitt? Talk about a GEEKgasm.

Everything in Sports is Programmed by this Network

I love Little League Baseball. It is the purest example of all that is good with sports. Breaking in a new mitt with your son, listening to the chatter coming from the dugouts, the hidden coaches microphone and washed up former major leaguers describing how a twelve year old needs to "snap it off" to get his curveball to move properly. Ahh, baseball. ESPN says that I love little league baseball. The Mothership also says that Girls College Basketball is played the way Dr. Applebasket Naismith intended, that steroids will ruin baseball and that a 40-year old Quarterback is the cotterpin to this and every NFL season. What would I do without ESPN.

Look I love PTI as much as the next guy and I watch SportsCenter religiously, but isn't it time for someone to point out that this Emperor has no clothes? I don't get it, ESPN has managed to corner the market on the most important demographic in the world, Men 18-35, and scared off all comers in the process. Every fraternity in the world plays SportsCenter on a continuous loop. According to my recent calculations 75% of all men 18-35 watch ESPN at some point during the day. Think about that for a second. That is RIDICULOUS, completely unscientific, but completely ridiculous none the less. With those kind of numbers ESPN must really have a good idea what their audience wants right? Wrong.

The only thing more amazing than ESPN's ability to pull off the Jedi Mind Trick on it's target audience, is it's seemingly endless desire to insult that same dedicated fanbase. We are, and I mean all of us, lemmings. You, me, the guys at the local barbershop, everyone blowing off class right now, even our fathers, all of us morons. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at some of the things that we put up with in the name of sports. Some moppet from the Hannah Montana show was doing sideline interviews for the Little League World Series, Snoop Dogg broke down NFL Pre-Season games, and the Jonas Brothers were giving their keen insight on all things sports? Why not, they seem like they know what they are talking about. All of that happened in the last week. Couple that insane cross promotion with sports anchors like Stuart Scott and you wonder how any of us are still interested in sports at all. [editor's note- the single most cringe inspiring moment of all time? Three words- Stuart Scott Freestyle] The fact that no other network has figured out how to compete with this Synergizer Bunny is astounding to me.

But it doesn't end there. The other hidden monster at ESPN is the "talent". The talent runs the show over there and ESPN collects these talking heads like Lt. Aldo Raine collects scalps. The "talent" falls into one of two categories, washed up athlete or uber geek. The washed up athletes tend to give the benefit of the doubt to the players without an iota of journalistic integrity, while the uber geeks dwell on insignificant stats, issues and topics that the rest of us find irrelavent. Neither group speaks for their audience, they lecture and preach, but they don't empathize.

Exhibit A, Steroids. Poll after poll tells us that fans don't care about Steroids. They just don't, but Peter Gammons, Karl Ravich and Baseball Tonight do. Because ESPN gives their talent carte blanche we, the viewers, get thirty minutes of hand wringing every time someone new tests positive for performance enhancers. "Well, its a sad day. Big Papi has tarnished the Red Sox run in 2004 with Steroid use." "Nothing will surprise me any more when it comes to Steroids Karl." "Me neither... but when we come back a retrospective on Steroids, needles and how both have effected the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry." What? Who cares? Give us the highlights, tell me why Tim Lincecum can make a ball travel back in time and let's hear a funny story about what it was like to be in the big leagues. I don't condone Steroid useage, but until something changes with how we are going to address this era in the sports, let's move on.

Let's talk sports, shall we? I don't want to hear about how tired ESPN is of covering the Brett Favre story. Here's an idea, if you really don't like the story don't cover it. Talk football, bring in the beat writers, let's hear from them. Do we really care about Michael Vick's jersey sales on NFL.com? No, but it's hard to pass up on the plug isn't it?

Look, I don't mind pithy and light occasionally, but shouldn't there be SOME substance? Eventually someone is going to pull back the curtain and realize that there is a huge market desperate for sports information without all of the smoke machines and laser shows. Who ever figures that out will have a core group of people that will be dedicated to that network.

NaNaNuh NaNaNuh

Hold That Tiger

Wow, THAT was uncomfortable. In what really should have been one of the great sports moments in recent years I just finished watching Y.E. Yang's monumental upset of the great Tiger Woods and all I am left with is a sense of loss. Not for Mr. Woods, but for the announcers. Come on guys let's at least try to keep up appearances, shall we?. I mean, it seemed like everytime El Tigre missed a birdie putt the announcers would say,

"Oooh, tough break, must've hit a peeble. What a testament to a true champion that he still remains in contention after missing eleven or twelve of these putts." "Well he is special, Jim." "He sure is, Nick. He sure is."

Are you kidding me? Don't get me wrong, Tiger is probably the single most dominant performer in an individual sport ever, wait a sec. Let's leave it at "one of" for the time being because that actually might not be a bad topic. But just because he is doesn't make him infallible. Why is it that golf announcers never call him out...on anything? I will give Tiger credit for answering questions after the loss, but that is the first time he has done it. Look back on all of his loses and Tiger is out of dodge faster than LeBron James. He is notoriously petulant when it comes to the media, but nobody ever says anything about it.

And it doesn't end there. Tiger swears so much on camera that David Milch wanted to recast him in Deadwood, he slams his clubs around like they owe him money and he has his Kiwi Caddie rough up anyone trying to capture his likeness on film. Occasionally you will get a writer that will chastise Eldrich for this boorish behavior but they are few and far between. What is it about Tiger?

Think about it, John McEnroe was widely considered the scourge of athletics because of similar behavior on the tennis court. In fact Johnny Mac was held in such low regard that people actually rooted for Jimmy Connors. McEnroe would swear on camera, throw his equipment and call out officials. What's the difference? Tiger swears like a sailor, throws his clubs and the week before the PGA Championship he called out the officials. That one was the gold standard for hypocrisy. Tiger called out the officials, which in ANY league or work place would and should bring a serious fine and reprimand. The PGA appeared to actaully be taking a stand against their cash cow, as it was reported that they were going to fine Woods for his comments. Suddenly and without explanation it all went away. No fine, no public reprimand, nothing. In fact the only public comment from Commissioner Tim Finchem was an APOLOGY for the erroneous reports! What? Are you kidding me? An apology?

So why does Tiger get away with this stuff? Is it because he's just that good? Maybe. Or is it something else? Does it have to do with these mostly whitebred announcers fearing that they will say something that might be perceived as racist? OR, most likely, is it my long standing belief that Nike in association with Microsoft is secretly ruling the world?

And just for the record Y.E. Yang wears Addidas, take THAT Phil Knight.

Decisions, Decisions

I don't know if you are aware of this, but future Hall-of-Fame Quarterback Brett Favre, you know the guy that played for the Packers, is making a come back. It's true, I'm not sure why this isn't getting more attention, but apparently he is going to play for the Minnesota Vikings, a team that he said he has "always really liked." Who woulda thunk it. Brett Favre back in the NFL.

I mean, even Billy Shakespeare had the good taste to end Hamlet after Five Acts. If left up to Favre, this disabled decision making diva will continue to hold ESPN ransom until he gets a back end deal on the X-Games. To Be or Not To Be? Who cares? I don't and neither should you. Favre is no longer an elite Super Bowl winning Quarterback. And why? It's funny you should ask. The reason...wait for it...It's BECAUSE HE CAN'T MAKE A DECISION...ABOUT ANYTHING! Quel Surprise!

Seriously, thanks in large part to number one Favre sycophant John Madden, and perhaps more importantly Frank Caliendo, Brett has always been considered a "gunslinger" not afraid to stick the ball into a tight window regardless of th coverage. Well he certainly had the swagger of a pistol toting Gary Cooper throughout his illustrious career in Fromageville but that's not why he was good. He was good because Craig Stadtler was an offensive genius in Green Bay and created an offense that forced Favre into making quick decisions...Oh, and he had a Howitzer mounted on his right shoulder. The guy was War Machine in Cheesehead yellow.

Think about it, in recent years Favre has shown an inability to decide on anything. He's in, he's out, Jets, retirement, surgery, no surgery, Vikings, retirement, Vikings. The guy can't make up his mind. And it doesn't end with the big picture stuff either. Go back and look at his game day decisions during each of the last four years. You see game after game, series after series Favre struggling to know when to pull the trigger. He taps the ball so much in the pocket you have to wonder if he is sending signals using Morse Code. Other than the first part of his final year in Green Bay he has looked less like a gunslingin' cowboy and more like David Carr.

I know what you're saying, "But the ruggedly handsome quarterback in wrangler jeans had one of his best years during his final season in Green Bay." That's true and it was entirely because Mike McCarthy ran a more basic West Coast offense. The decisions were eliminated. Look deep early, check down late. If you go back and look at the Packers offense through the first 13 games of that season you will see check down after check down. That's not to say that they didn't go deep that year, it was just a simplified offense. Rex Grossman went deep a lot the year before in Chicago and had a great QB Rating leading his team to the Super Bowl that didn't make him a good decision maker and nobody would argue that he is a Super Bowl caliber Quarterback.

In fact you can go back and listen to or read McCarthy saying that he simplified things for his "young receivers". Really or was it for his "Old Quarterback?" At any rate Favre eventually reverted back to his old indecisive ways late in the season and during the playoffs. The same can be said for Broadway Brett's fiveure in New York. Solid conservative Quarterback early, erratic petulant primadonna late.

Face it, Brett Favre should stop being asked whether or not he is going to retire. Remove the decision making from the process. He should just keep playing until he gets cut. No more press conferences, no more appearances on Letterman or the Arte Lange Show with special smug host Joe Buck. Just play until they take the third stringer from Coastal Carolina on the final 53 rather than him. And for the rest of the NFC, yesterday should be considered one of the best days of the year for you. The Vikings officially opted out of the Buccaneers/Ravens/70's blue print for winning a championship, under Sage Rosenfelds, and implemented the Drew Bledsoe/Vinny Testeverde approach. You know the one where you just bring in that older savvy experienced Quarterback that knows the offense and that ol' gunslinger brings you to the promised land. It's practically fool proof, just ask the Bills, Cowboys, Browns, or Jets.

I think that bringing Brett Favre in will set the Vikings back three years and will likely cost Adrian Petersen any chance at a Super Bowl... That, oooor, the Favre throws for 25 TD, the Defense dominates, Petersen shows why he is the most electric offensive weapon in the game and they win that ellusive Super Bowl on their fifth try. I can't decide.

Beer?

"Beer?"

"It's seven o'clock in the morning, Jack."

"Scotch?"

John Hughes, as a writer tapped into a comedic vein that few ever find. Any time you watched a movie during the eighties you just knew when he had his hands in it. Most people that experienced their teen years during the glory days of parachute pants, vans and new wave music can list Mr. Hughes filmography off he top of their heads. He touched a nerve with all of us and he will be missed.

The silver lining, if there can be, is that a whole new era of filmmakers will be exposed to his writing. He didn't make, "movies that matter". But his movies did matter, it was his audience that didn't. Which I guess is why he spoke so clearly to it. His movies were easy and accessible. They were silly and goofy, but always poignant and relateable. Every one of his movies had a message that we could all get our hands around. Even Bueller offered, the whole "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once in a while you could miss it." Is it deep? No. But neither were we. And that's the point. While he wasn't solving world problems, he was helping his target demo negotiate through puberty.

When was the last movie made that really tapped into that audience. High School Musical? People just don't make his kind of movies anymore. It is a shame that he never got the credit that he deserved while he was alive. He was also responsible for some of he best comedic performances of all-time.

Anthony Michael Hall deserved an Academy Award for his role as the Geek in Sixteen Candles. There I said it. He was BRILL-iant in that movie. I'm not kidding. Watch that movie again and tell me that he wasn't more worthy than Haing Ngor in the Killing Fields. I mean, I get it Ngor told an important story about Cambodia and we have all grown because of it, but he wasn't as good as AMH. There isn't a false beat in the performance. I mean, he should have been nominated for pretending to have the hots for Molly Ringwald alone. With apologies to Haley Joel Osment, it was singularly the BEST acting performance by a kid ever.

From Mr. Mom to Home Alone, John Hughes put together a string of characters that will stand the test of time. Matt Broderick, Alan Ruck and the creepy Jeffrey Jones in FerrisBueller. That movie will always a touchstone for high school coolness; John Candy in, well, everything; Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern and Mac Culkin in Home Alone, while the former two play the modern Stooges the later will always be the touchstone for childhood coolness with a heart; and Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom all benefited from the writing talents of Mr. Hughes. He knew how to speak to his audience and he never spoke down to them.

These days, for the most part, movies for children are geared toward the adults that bring them, with in-joke spewing magic genies and musical numbers that are so trumped up you'd think they were wearing a hair piece. And as for the current crop of Teenage movies these conveyor belt created, vomit inducing piles of Duce are so dumbed down that you wonder if the writers were actually in high school. If you don't believe me try and sit through anything brought to you by the producers of Stomp My Dance-Off, or whatever.

John Hughes was successful because he remembered what it was like to be a kid and he respected the growing pains we all felt during adolescence. He knew what it was like to be the brain, the athlete, the basket case, the princess and the criminal. Let's face it during the 80's he had us all brainwashed.

Sincerely...

Hey, Hey Paula

Paula Abdul is officially the stupidest person on the planet. Okay, maybe this just her most recent example of stupidity; and, in fairness maybe that title really sits with her agent/manager/colorist/trainer/ or whatever bright shiny object effects her decision making. But the bottom line is by leaving American Idol (a show that makes me shutter at the very sound of it) she demonstrated why we are all idiots for giving people second chances.

Ms. Abdul had it all in the late eighties. She was a marginally successful singer, she taught cheerleading to a bunch of bad actresses and dated exotically named talents Emilio and Arsenio. She really had the tiger by the orbs, I tell ya. And then she slowly and quietly drifted away, like an ethereal spirit into the afterlife or hockey.

Without warning or any semblance of reason she exploded back onto the scene with a British created game show named American Idol. Secretly I think this was only part of a much more sinister plan put forth by a bunch of revenge minded Brits that are clearly trying to get back at us for the American Revolution and George Bush, but I digress.

Only in America does an apparently drug addled talentless hack, whose only real contribution to the music industry was the use of the body slimming technique of vertical lensing in videos, get a gig that requires her to evaluate karaoke. What? Really? I mean that would be like getting Knight Rider to evaluate a talent show. Wait, what? They do? There is!?!? Oh, come on.

But I don't begrudge Ms. Abdul, she hit the mother lode. She was making millions of dollars a year thanks to the disintegration of taste in America and the free market. And it wasn't like it was taxing for her. All they wanted from her was to be weird, quirky and display no ability to speak in coherent sentences whatsoever. It would be like paying A-Rod a bonus to choke with the game on the line in October. I mean he's going to do that for ya anyway.

Despite all that, and instead of signing the multi-million dollar offer on the table for judging this game show, she decided to hire a new take-no-prisoners agent to employ the darkest most sinister of negotiating tactics known at CAA as The Dunkleman Gambit.

Thanks for coming Paula, you get a home version of the game.

Vick-alo Bills

Ok, just got off the phone with my brother, who heard from his co-workers, best friends, cousins, roommate who works with the Bills and he said that Michael Vick has just landed in Buffalo and is on his way to Rochester as we speak.

As a homegrown Rochesterian, which is redundant, and a lifelong Western New Yorker, which you have to be if part A is true, I am shocked at the course the Bills have taken over the last eight months. Clearly Ralph Wilson is losing confidence in his medical staff, because every decision that organization has made recently screams of desperation. And it will never work.

It is a shame to see the Bills stoop to levels previously reserved for the League of Meglomaniacal Owners. LOMO consists of Jerry Jones, Daniel Snyder, Art Modell (Emeritus) and their Patron Saint Al Davis. The Bills took the first step towards inclusion by signing Malignant Wide Out Terrell Owens this off-season. Sure esteemed pundits such as James Hasty and Deion Sanders called the move a "good football decision," and yes the Bills do stand to gain from the increased exposure created by T.O.'s 798th ranked Reality Series, and not to mention all the good will that will be created for his highly inventive cereal line TO's, but was signing TO really a good idea?

Everybody likes to point to 2005 when TO "led" the Eagles to the Super Bowl. Look, I like revisionist history as much as the next guy, especially when it involves me, but TO didn't "lead" the Eagles anywhere. Yes he had a great season that year, big time numbers, but the Eagles were a team that had made it to the NFC Championship Game in each of the previous three seasons without the Totally Overrated one. And the Eagles made it to the Super Bowl, for the first time since 1980, without TO playing a single down. In fact the only time TO has ever played for a team that won a playoff game was all the way back in 1999 with the Forty-Niners. I mean TO played very well in that Super Bowl, but the bottom line is the team lost and furthermore the team spent the next three years trying to sterilize their locker room.

So, please don't tell me that signing TO was a good football decision. Especially when you could make the argument that Wide Receiver was one of the strengths of the Bills roster. Lee Evans, Josh Reed, Roscoe Parrish and James Hardy have a ton of talent and each brings a slightly different strength to the table...if only they were allowed to develop.

This brings us to the most desperate of moves, signing Mike Vick. Really, Vick? For what, for who? The disgruntled dog damager hasn't played football in two years. I don't care who you are that just doesn't work. Other than Muhammed Ali name for me the last person to take two years off and return to their sport at a comparable level of play.

What's that? Vick is a special athlete? Well he better be because signing Vick is the Death Knell for Trent Edwards in Buffalo. I mean, why mess with his progress? Now Edwards is going to be hearing it from the fans and the media if the Bills lose two games in a row. Let's face it the Steelers won the first two games of the year last year and because the offense didn't put enough points on the board people were wondering about Byron Leftwich. And Roethlisberger had already won a Super Bowl and was the winningest Quarterback through the first fifty games of his career in the history of the NFL. So what do you think will happen if the Bills lose a couple of close games while Vick knocks off a twenty yard run or two from the Wildcat? It isn't going to be pretty.

From a football standpoint, it has been proven that the best way to win is to develop through the draft. The Bills used to be the gold standard under Bill Polian and they seemed to have turned it around a bit under Marv Levy, who in my opinion was highly underrated. And the Bills offense was young and talented at each of the skilled positions. Unfortunately, now that Ralph Wilson has checked off Canton on his Bucket List the only thing left is the Lombardi Trophy. Well Ralphie boy it ain't gonna happen. Not like this. Ask the rest of the LOMO's what it feels like to hoist that trophy. Oh, wait a sec they haven't done it since Clinton's first term. And just for the record ask Jerry Jones how he built that team...on second thought ask Jimmie Johnson.

8/14/09

Ok, so...I was wrong. I can't believe my inside source was wrong. I mean this was the guy that told me about the Flutie Flakes 48 hours before they hit the stores. Hhrm?!?! Anyway, back to Vick.

Vick in Philly makes more sense. Solid franchise, good coach, perennial playoff team, Quarterback with Rabbit Ears, young talent at the skill positions...What was that? Oh, the rabbit ears? Yeah Donovan has Rabbit Ears what about it?

The fact is Michael Vick potentially could be a dangerous weapon in the right offense. He could be used in a Kordell/Slash capacity, and before he went to jail Vick had loads more talent than Kordell. I just question whether he can ever regain the speed that was such an important part of his game. Nobody that I can think of that spent time in prison ever got the speed back. Jamal Lewis went in as a big bruiser that ran the 40 in 4.45 seconds and came out a big slow running back. Even the great Ali had to invent the Rope-A-Dope to get around his overall lack of speed and quickness. He relied totally on heart and heart is something that Vick doesn't have.