Saltating Over Man Eating Fish with Alacrity

Recently, I found myself becoming angry at my flat screen television. This inanitmate object had never done anything to me in the past so why did I suddenly feel the urge to throw it out the window. It was at that moment that I realized my anger was misplaced. The cause for my anger were the Play-by-Play announcers and Studio hosts that I was forced to listen too. They were the problem, not my loyal tv.

The following is a list of announcers/hosts that have "Jumped the Shark". For those not in the know, John Hein, currently of the Howard Stern Wrap Up Show, coined the phrase refering to the moment when a television show loses its relevance. In the case of Happy Days it was when the Fonz jumped a shark pen on water skis.

So here goes, and in no particular order...

Bob Costas- In his day he was the Gold Standard of Studio Hosts. He never tried to be bigger than the game. That was until he got his own interview show on HBO. Not to be confused with his NBC Show. The NBC show was actually terrific and ranks with Dick Cavett and vintage Johnny Carson as one of the great interview shows of all-time. No, something happened when he went to HBO, maybe it was caused by his one time partner Bob Uecker, but for some reason he suddenly felt as though he could be funny. [editor's note- Bob Uecker IS funny and wrote one of the great books of all-time. Buy it!] Every interview with a comedian on the HBO show became open mic night at the Funny Bone starring little Bobby Costas. Ugh, I need a brillo pad to scrub away the douche chills just thinking about it. Bob, you should be the next Commissioner of Baseball...but you're not funny...and I mean EVVVVER! 

Al Michaels- Once again, Michaels at one point was the best play-by-play guy in the business. People forget how well he did baseball games and that, beyond the "Do You Believe in Miracles" line, his ability to call hockey games was highly underrated. However today, my pal AL is desperate to have the booth to himself. Michaels seems to have genuine disdain for his booth mates and regularly steps on Fouts, Dierdorf, Madden and Collinsworth during broadcasts. Al you're no athlete, you never coached, you never played and just because you have watched a bunch of games doesn't make you more knowledgeable than those that have. I mean, let's face it I've watched a ton of movies but it doesn't mean I know what it's like to actually direct one. You have NO credibility when it comes to color commentary, leave it to the former players, coaches and general managers. And for the record, unless you're Vin Scully, you NEVER get to be solo in the booth...so let it go.

Chris Berman- I used to work with this guy, met him at the urinal, true story. As aloof as Chris is he was very gracious in giving me, literally, ever single nickname he had for EVERY SINGLE major leaguer during the summer of 1992. As gracious as he was...he is a blow hard now. It pains me to say it, but he just doesn't bring anything new to the table. ESPN needs to pay proper respect to Boomer, but they also need to ween off of the big guy and find a way to send him out to pasture. Maybe he could be a host at Long John Silver's? "Welcome to the Long John Silver's see the picture of him he looks like he could've played for the RRRRrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy-Duuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrzzzz!" Where's that Brillo Pad?

Dick Enberg- For someone that is supposed to be the literary voice of broadcasters he doesn't write to good...or at least his producers don't. Enberg has always come across as that guy you know that thinks he's the smartest guy in the room, and yet everyone avoids getting into a conversation with him at parties. His personal commentaries are underwhelming at best and insipid at worst. He is always "painting a picture" for the viewer. It makes me what to shove knitting needles in my ears. His play-by-play of Steelers football games was the reason that I got a lifetime subscription to Sirius Radio. Now Enberg is relegated to drops ins for golf coverage and tennis play-by-play. John McEnroe must want to jump out of the press box when Enberg and Carillo get going. Johnny Mac deserves better.

Jim Nantz- He has to be a better guy than he seems. I mean he's best buddies with Fred Couples right? And who doesn't root for Freddie? Nantz needs to stick with the Masters and give up the rest. He can't do football, he should have been benched from college basketball with Billy Packer and as far as going back to being a studio host? Give me Brent Musberger all day long. The guy is the cure for insomnia and he happens to have an encyclopedic knowledge of all things golf. He's perfect for the bikini wax banning bores from Augusta. You know, Nantzie might be the reason why you can't watch 18 holes of golf on television without taking a nap. Hurrmm?

Announcers don't have to Jump the Shark, they can remain a conduit for the games that they cover. Jon Miller does that in baseball, Steve Levy does it in hockey, Chris Fowler does it as the host of College Football Game Day and Mike Tirico can do it for anything.

I just got through listening to Ernie Harwell thank the fans of Detroit. Who will these guys thank? It's a shame that they got so high on themselves, each was considered the best in the business at one point and all have lost their way.

Hey boys, why don't you pump the breaks on that Ego Train of yours and take a look at Ernie Harwell, Vin Scully, Jack Buck and Curt Gowdy for a second. And if the thought of doing that makes you uncomfortable, if the very idea of allowing the game to be the star gives you the sweats, maybe it's time to hang up the ol' Network Logo Emblazoned Sport Coat.