So, the Winter Olympics are finally here. I know, I know you have been counting the days since the closing ceremonies of the 2006 Winter Games in, um...uh...don't tell me...Where were the last Winter Olympics held? Wait a second, I know this one. Let's see the 2002 Olympics were the dry ones, that had all of the extra wives running around? So that means they were in Utah. And the International Olympic Committee has that long standing policy that the Olympics must be held within a six hour flight of the Nike Corporate Headquarters, so they weren't in Berlin. And I'm pretty sure that they weren't held in Leningrad...m-o-s-t-l-y because they call it St. Petersburg now...it's ICELAND...the 2006 Winter Olympics were in Reykjavik, Iceland. I knew it. [editor's note- A quick shout out to my wonderful fact checkers, Brooks, Chris, Dave and Craig, The above referenced Winter Olympiad ACTUALLY took place in Turin, Italy, much of what I say, believe it or not is, what's the word for it? Hooey. But that's part of my charm.]
I love the Olympics...well at least I used to. I mean, I really WANT to like the Olympics. Ok, here's the problem my HD-DVR only tapes two shows at a time, which means I've got some decisions to make because I am not going to miss my shows.
Opening Ceremonies are tonight and I LOVE the pageantry and hoopla surrounding the Opening Ceremonies. [editor's note2.0- Sorry about using Hoopla. I couldn't think of a better word than Hoopla. AND my brian is working properly, too much drinking I think...don't worry though, I'm going to fire him. Did you see what I did there?]
The Ceremonies are great you get a full night of Bob Costas. And it's Bob Costas trying to fill, which means he'll be spending three hours proving to all of us that he is, not only the best Studio Host in the history of the medium, but that he could've been equally proficient as a stand-up comic. He's assuming, of course, that he could find a microphone stand short enough for him.
So I'll watch the Opening Ceremonies, oh, and it says here that there will be Ski Jumping. Sweet, nothing better than a little "Agony of defeat." Lock it in.
Let's see Saturday's a no brainer. Alpine and Freestyle Skiing, count me in. There's nothing good on TV on Saturday night. What ever happened to Love Boat and Fantasy Island? Sad. I always liked the one where they were in love and then out of love and then back in love again...with Charo.
Ok, here we go, conflict time. Sunday night the Olympics are up against The Simpsons and Family Guy. Sooo as long as there isn't another- yeah we're clear. Sunday's a go.
Monday I have to tape my favorite show on TV at 8PM. It's called Business Model. Happen's to be about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue this week. Gosh, do I have to get into this again. Ok, Ok, geesh... but if you are interested in my personal feelings on the matter check Here. Here. Here. and Here. There are some potential conflicts with the CBS sitcoms How I Met Dr. Horrible, Two and a Half Wife Beaters and The Big Bang Theory. I will not mention Jenna Elfman's Scientology On Purpose because it's unwatchable. I don't watch Charlie Sheen anymore and the other two are repeats, so it looks like th Olympics win again.
Tuesday is completely up to my wife and kids. LOST is currently sitting in the #1 priority taping spot and that's not coming down anytime soon and they insist on watching the Karaoke Show on Fox. That's not going to change...let me know how the Skating and Snowboarding turns out.
Wednesday. Human Target and Karaoke...oh, geez, I'm out again. I had NO idea THAT was playing on HBO. Sorry, I'm contractually obligated to watch a little film I like to call, HACKERS. Heard of it? Oh, come ON! You know, Hackers. Boot Up OR Shut Up? No! Directed by Iain Softley...with Fisher Stevens, Johnnie Lee Miller, the irascible Matthew Lillard and of course the young and incredibly newbile Angie Jolie...Nothing? Oh, COME on! It had one of the great "Assistant to the Producers" ever. Well anyway, I'm watching it and you can pick up your very own copy of the film here.
I can't believe you people have never heard of Hackers. I suppose you're going to tell me that you think that The Puppet Masters was a slasher movie about marionettes? WHAT? OH, GIVE ME A BREAK. TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]
I'm..uh...sorry about that. I didn't know that I had so much anger- Well let's just move on.
Thursday night is definitely out. I have never missed an episode of Survivor, Grey's Anatomy is a must and The Office and 30 Rock are... on NBC so yes, yes. I can watch the Olympics on Thursday. Although, don't tell anyone but I kinda like the Vampire Diaries. What? No I don't. You said that. I'm watching Hockey.
Which brings us back to Friday Night. So I guess the bottom line is, I'll take in a few events but it isn't the can't miss spectacle it used to be. But then again none of us are.
Gone are the days that the world came together in the spirit of sportsmanship and xenophobia. NBC has made the event so hard to follow that most other news outlets seldom give the Olympics more than five minutes of coverage. SportsCenter, for example, will spend more time on Major League Baseball then on the medal count. I guess we shouldn't be surprised considering the fact that NBC is ultimately responsible for Jay Leno.
What the Olympics needs is some good old fashioned fear mongering and nationalism. There aren't any "Bad Guys" in the Olympics. No roided up East German She-Males. Nobody Boycotts. Not a lead pipe to be found. Where are those no good, shoe banging Commie bastards when you need them.
So until we get a good old fashioned Cold War going again, I'm watching Mythbusters.
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