Random Thoughts From Oscars

IT'S REALLY NICE TO HEAR THAT KATHY IRELAND GOT WORK. After wondering aloud what Miley Cyrus was going to do next, "Now that you have conquered comedy." Gigantor was sooo friggin' loud with Efron, I could hear her through the mute button. Maybe she could find work placing stars on Christmas trees?

Anyway, on with the show. Whoa, whoa, WHOA! I didn't know Jim Cameron was gay. How long has he been married to Clint Eastwood? Weird. 

Now on with the awards...but first, Mo'Nique is teaching everyone how blessed they are and more importantly how deserving she is of the inevitable honor. I think she's confusing beling blessed and lucky. It's sort of like the difference between irony and coincidence. I hate to be the barer of bad news, Mo, but the rest of these nominated ladies are blessed YOU are going to be the answer to a trivia question in three years. Don't get me wrong she seems really really good at beating and degrading children but she should ask Christopher Cross what happens when you get caught between the moon and New York City. Afterall Anne Ramsey was nominated for Best Supporting Actress. What? Oh, she played Momma in Throw Momma From The Train. It was nothing but award shows and accolades for the rest of her career too.  Look everybody agrees that the mighty Mo was great in Precious but that doesn't mean she gets to talk down to EVERYONE. Only Oprah can do that. [editor's note- Please don't misunderstand my rant. Mo was great but I can't take people that are preachy. And you know you are hated in Hollywood when Sam Jackson has a problem with you. If she was smart she would get Harpo to dub her as her heir apparent]

Let's go on with the show...wait was that Judd Nelson? Couldn't be.

To the Oscar's... is Sandy Bullock suppose to look like Nosferatu in a dress? I don't want to say she looks pale but Sherry Stringfield was asking her about her Bucket List. By the way I thought Sherry Stringfield was that girl on the original ER who quit and then did nothing with the rest of her career until she came back to ER. Oh, Sherri Shepherd. She's the lady that doesn't believe the Earth is round. Got it. She owes that 12-foot tall Autobot, Ka'vi Ireland, a debt of gratitude because she's making Sherri look comfortable and pithy.

Lights, camera, a- wow Cameron Diaz looks awful...I mean awful. Like she's been chain smoking cigarettes for four days just trying to keep the weight off. She makes me sad, but she was HOT in the Mask...in 1994.

Now let's raise the curtain...wait, why is Faith Hill's husband wearing a toupee? He sorta looks like Tug McGraw.

Ok, lets take a look at the actual show.

Neil Patrick Harris's opening was good. I'm a big fan of Dr. Horrible and while the suit was ridiculous I'm a sucker for an opening number, he's getting killed on the Howard Stern Show though. 

Martin and Baldwin are great, funny, good chemistry, and comfortable. Having said that the best opening monologue this weekend was done by Zach Galifinakis on SNL see below:

I love the John Hughes tribute. It's funny Paul Newman didn't get as big a tribute after he died and he raised over one billion dollars for his charities. Amazing. At this point you have all read, and probably re-read, my thoughts on Mr. Hughes so you won't be surprised to learn that I happen to think the Hughes thing is well deserved. He really hit a vein in the early Eighties, he didn't talk down to teenagers and most importantly was funny. A perfect way to end it with the "Life Moves Pretty Fast" line from Ferris. Wait, what're they doing? Who are these people? It must be easier to have the seat fillers enter from the stage I guess. Oh, no. No, no, no. THAT'S the Brat Pack? But who's the West Hollywood gigol- Holy Home Alone, Batman. And who is the walking Amber Alert in the back? Judd Nelson. Oh, my God! You know I'm scared that if I watch the Breakfast Club again I'm going to be rooting for Principal Dick Vernon and will relate to the Janitor. Depressing.

I'm doing the rest of this after the show.

I knew Hurt Locker going to sweep the night when they got best sound mixing. It proves that everyone in Hollywood is sick of Jim Cameron's success. You may or may not like Avatar but that movie should've won every single technical award. 

Hurt Locker was a very good movie but Inglourious Basterds was better in every way and I actually preferred Avatar as well. Here's who should've won:

Inglourious Basterds- Picture, Orig. Writing, Editing, C. Waltz (S. Actor)

Hurt Locker- Jeremy Renner (Actor)

Precious- The Mighty Mo (Sup. Actress)

Up In The Air- Adpt. Writing

Avatar- Director, Special Effects, Tech Stuff and Zoe Saldana (Best Actress)

What, how can I pick someone that played a ThunderSmurf? Because she carried that movie and had to act with a helmet on her head. Let's see Meryl Streep try that for a change. I mean the only difficulty presented to Ms. Streep in Julie and Julia were all of those French people. And Sandy Bullock wasn't REALLY that good in the Blind Side, didn't Judith Light or Judith Ivey or some friggin' Judith play the same part on a Lifetime movie starring Scott Baio or Helen Hunt in the 80's? 

So what did we learn during the Night of A Thousand Stars? That we all have Mo'Nique's comedic side to look forward to. That Alec Baldwin is as good at hosting as he is bad at parenting. That Steve Martin likes Botox, he really really likes Botox. That Robert Downey Jr. had the line of the night with 

It's a collaboration. A collaboration between handsome gifted people and sickly little mole people.

That Jeremy Renner doesn't mind coming in second, third, fourth or even last...when it comes to Jessica Simpson. We learned that every one of these starlets need to take a page from Helen Mirren and keep it simple. That damn Helen Mirren was the best looking woman at the show and she is almost 70. Keep it simple ladies. We discovered that the Uber-Bitter Kristen Stewart needs to quit smoking...or at least she needs to cough the phlegm out of her lungs BEFORE presenting at the Oscars rather than DURING. I think that that Werewolf kid caught a chunk of Kristen's lung on his sleeve. Cut to Camera Two. We also learned that people could make speeches without writing them down on a piece of paper... Well everyone except the an ACTUAL writer. Bravo to producer Adam Shankman, all of those hours of watching  your dancing show have really paid off for me. 

Now let's get on with the most important movie season...blockbuster time. Bring on The Losers, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Iron Man 2, Inception and Kick-Ass.