Wait, What You Mean It Isn't Real?

So let me get this straight Britney Spears, up until this past weekend, had fooled an entire country into believing she was actually singing. Look, I love Australia as much as the next guy, but this is the most damning news regarding a country's stupidity this side of Jerry Lewis and the French.

I mean even the Germans know that Hasselhoff can't act. And while Don Cherry may be one of the most annoying people ever you can't argue with two decades worth of ratings for Hockey Night in Canada and he usually wears something interesting.

The thing that is even more mind blowing to me than the Aussies collective head in the sand regarding the Ms. Spears, is the fact that she has had the success she's had. I get the whole creepy-pigtailed-high school-hussie-success of her first album, but she has absolutely no discernable talent. I mean, she can remember a few dance moves, but she can't sing and she doesn't write or produce any of her music, so what exactly does she bring to the table? Tabloids, Paparazzi, drugs, custody battles, a dearth in panty sales, crazy behavior, lunacy, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria. I mean couldn't the same producers, with the same songs, pluck some girl from Kansas and come up with better results? Sure, but she wouldn't have that crazy head shaving stuff and THAT stuff is what makes he successful.

Of course this is me getting ready to bang my shoe on my desk in an effort to rally the troops the insist that we stand up for something more, something better. Something with heart, something with soul. Let's celebrate depth of character. Hasn't Obama showed us that intelligence is the new cool? Let's rise up and say NO to TMZ and let's tell Perez Hilton that we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore. Starting tonight we should all boycott the human train wreck that is Britney Spears and protect our young impressionable children from this depravity. Blah, blah, morals. Yada Yada, ethics. Murmur murmur Glory Days. Is Pollyanna a good color on me? I can never tell. Now who's with meeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh?

I'm going to go the other way on this one. I say lets boost her up again. Who cares that she is a talentless harlot. Let's start going back to her concerts, let's buy her albums exclusively at Walmart, and for God's sake lets make sure to buy her new line of delicates, the Empress' New Clothz, they make a great stocking stuffer.

We need Brit-Brit at the head of the class again because then and only then will we get to watch her come crumbling down. And that's just fun for everyone. Just think of it Circus sweeps the VMA's next year, she starts dating Shia LeBouf, the two remake the Bodyguard, only this time it's more synthesized. Disney hires that guy from District 9, Neil Blumpkin I think his name is, to do a remake of Mary Poppins with Ms. Spears and, Whammo, she has the world on a string.

And right when she is poised to take her place on the Mt. Rushmore of Pop, next two pillars Madonna, Elvis and Michael Jackson, with a special two-hour one-on-one interview with Katie Couric, just when it looks like she has really gotten it together, she will have another meltdown.

It'll probably include fake accents, weeklong binges, Parkour with the kids on the 23rd Floor of the Bellaggio, a shaved head or two, she might wake up in a wood pile somewhere, maybe she'll make her skin look like this =>

Perhaps she will let out that lost little boy that's been buried under layers of self-loathing and bubblegum and decide to become Brett Spears. Or, if we're lucky, she'll make the ultimate sacrifice for us voyeurs and start dating Anne Heche.