One Small Step

Ok, so I'll admit it. I feel like a douche.  This whole "Blogging" thing feels like either a huge waste of time or a desperate way for me to bring attention to my favorite topic...ME.  Sooo, why not start a blog right?

Well it seemed like a good idea on paper. First, it saves my wife the embarrassment of watching me go off on a rant directed at a charming old couple sitting on a bench in the mall. Second, it forces me to filter some of my thoughts before I blurt them out. There's a trick I wished I had learned before our last parent-teacher conference. And third...well there isn't a third, because I hate writing, I was never very good with deadlines and I hate the idea of someone, me in this case, feeling that they are SOOOOOOO important that they feel the need to share their thoughts with the masses. I mean, who asked for that!?!

Don't get me wrong, I consider myself to be relatively clever and fairly entertaining, when I'm drinking. But recently a good friend of mine convinced me that I should start one of these things. It probably had more to do with his own personal entertainment, but, well, here I am. Looking like a douche. Which may have been his plan from the start.

So here it goes...

I am fairly proficient when it comes to technology, but there is something about creating a Blog that makes me feel like I need to have an opinion about Avatar, the Hobbit and the casting of Ryan Reynolds as the Green Lantern. (I do by the way- I can't wait for Last of the Mohicans Jim Cameron Style, I couldn't care less about a return to Middle Earth and, Ryan Reynolds is dreamy) But this Blog will be more stream of conscious. As it is in real life, if I have a thought about something happening in Sports, I'll say it, if I feel strongly about who should win the Big Fat Loser show, I'll tell you and if something happens with my kids I will share that as well.

A couple of things that you need to know about me. [editor's note- The idea that anyone NEEDS to know ANYthing about me makes me want to reenact the entire third season of America's Funniest Home Videos with me cast as "Crotch Guy". By the way the third season was during the Saget years before AFV sold-out and brought in Tom Bergeron. He's creepy and has hands that belong on a Keebler Elf. It takes a certain lack of talent to make Saget seem edgy.]

Focus, focus people. But back to ME. A couple of things that you need to know.

First, I hate e-mail. Writing in general annoys me because there is always room for interpretation when it comes to tone. How do you let people know that you are being sarcastic? And don't tell me that you can just put one of those little Emoticons in there. Emoticons? Really? Which brings me to ...

Number 2- I HATE emoticons. I get it, they're helpful...when you are learning how to spell C-A-T. I mean when was the last time you got a big smiley face on your annual report or an office memo? Although, now that I think about it. Think about how quick the board meetings would be. "In the last four quarters we have reported two smiley faces, one disgruntled Charlie Brown looking face and unfortunately a really angry horned red face with smoke coming out of it's ears. Soooo, let's roll up our sleeves and get back to work."

Emoticons are sort of like the disclaimers on the back of cigarette package that say, "Smoking may lead to heart problems, lung disease or two headed babies." Or the coffee cups that say "Contents may be hot." Wait, what? The contents of my cup of Coffee may be hot. So there is only a chance? If that's the case I'm going to the place where the coffee is ALWAYS hot. People that are suprised that it is hot SHOULD be burned.

Emoticons are the dumbing down of our society. At every turn we are given our opinion regarding the story, thought, or deed BEFORE we even know what it is about. I don't need to be told how to feel, when to laugh, cry, be outraged, etc. It's dumb. Pick up the phone or assume that everyone is being sarcastic in all e-mails. This will eliminate a great deal of angst and it will make you laugh.

Bottom line Emoticons SUCK!!! But you can find an easy link to some of my favorites in the tool bar above...

C). Text Messages- You probably can guess my thoughts on Texting, so I won't bore you with my desire to scream anytime I see someone texting at a restaurant...WHILE THEY ARE WITH OTHER PEOPLE! And I am not going to get into the PTSAnablers that give their children unlimited cel phone and texting packages for their Tenth Birthday. And I promise I won't expound on my thoughts regarding text-walking/driving/etc. However, I will give my favorite example of the idiocy regarding texting. The following is an actual text message that I got a week ago:

ne chance u r goin' up early?

I get the u=you and the r=are, I mean that saves you two letters on each of those words, which will allow you almost an extra full second on your life. But the apostrophe after goin? Maybe that one was just a slip. The one that makes me mental is "ne" instead of "any". WHHAAATTT!!!! ne instead of any. Gee I wonder why education in the good old US of A is tanking? Hmmmm, could it be because we are trying to communicate using License Plates? Stop it! Immediately, it's dumb. Although, I do love the new text crosswords puzzles in the USA Today Life Section so maybe I'm the a-hole.

And finally,

IV- Cell Phones. They are great but leave them in the car, don't take the chance that you forgot to turn it off. If you live in NYC and don't drive you get a pass. But if you don't and it goes off during a meeting, movie, restaurant, gym, spa, school, store or park please quietly stop the phone from ringing, raise your hand into the air and yell, at the top of your lungs, "I am far more important than any of you PEOPLE. I am now going to communicate with someone Equally important. Please, stand BACK and don't make eye contact!"

Ok, ok, one more. Facebook. It's annoying. I know, I know, but Trip, that's how you got in touch with me to begin with. I get it, Facebook is a great tool for getting back in touch with people you have...a...lost touch with and it works really well when you feel the need to pass around a really interesting new blog that you have found written by someone that you haven't seen or heard from in fifteen years. But the problem with it is you are forced back into a relationship with someone that you were doing just fine without. 


For example, I have had a great relationship with Andy Onderdonk over the past fifteen years. He doesn't call, write or speak to me and I don't beat him to death with a tire iron. It's perfect really, everybody's happy. But  now with Facebook he, not only contacts me, but now he wants to be my friend. Really? I know, I know, you can always ignore him. I guess that's true, but wasn't I JUST DOING THAT? Can you imagine if people greeted one another like that on the street. It's insane. I mean really.

And further more- wait a second, yeah, that's mine. Sorry, I have to take this. Hello...Wait, what? Oh, you've got to be kidding? Why would my wife think you were joking? Did you try using one of those emoticons? Well you should have. I'll IM you later. OMFG, I gotta go, my wife found out some girl I haven't seen in fifteen years just "poked" me on Facebook. 

Technology sucks!