On the Third Day of Christmas...

My true love gave to me...

Three Chiming Bells, Tim Duncan Love and a "Team Tiger" reversible tee.

Allow me, if you will, a slightly more personal rant. I know that this may come across as slightly self-indulgent but-

"Everything you do is self-indulgent. That's what a blog is you pampas @$!"

Ooookay. Fair enough...Allow me to CONTINUE to be self-indulgent. I live in a small village in Western New York. It's the kind of sleepy little hamlet, located on the Erie Canal, that has a train running through it and a working dairy farm. It's the kind of place where they shut down the streets for the Little League, Homecoming and Memorial Day Parades. Where people paint each other's fences because they need it and where you will always find a piping hot apple pie resting on your window sill.

I recently discovered that the vestry of one of our local churches agreed to silence its church’s bells between the hours of 11 PM and 7 AM because of a single complaint. This is disappointing not only because the bells have been an important part of the fabric of my community for almost one hundred and fifty years, but because the decision to placate one individual was made without any investigation as to the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of the members of the church or the other villagers. For 141 years nobody had a problem with these hourly chimes, little Ms. Gets-Everything-She-Wants-Veruca-Salt moves into the village and WHAMMO no more bells.

When I asked some of the vestry members why they came to they came to this decision I was told that it was the “neighborly thing to do.” Really? Arbitrarily placating one neighbor is the neighborly thing to do?

And the neighborhood is not limited to the one house next to the church there are five or six other houses that are equidistant from the church and they weren't asked their opinion on the matter. And what of the other members of the village? None of the other villagers were asked either. Nor were the members of the church solicited. How can a organization hide behind a word like neighborly when they didn't take the neighbors into consideration. And I would submit that the very idea that someone would move into a community and insist that a peaceful tradition like church bells be changed, altered or ended, in order to suit their personal desires, is also rather unneighborly.

The vestry made a knee jerk reaction to a complaint without investigating the issue. The idea of changing a 141 year old tradition should have called for that and consideration should have been given to the village and the church's membership. If that consideration was given and the vestry still felt the need to silence the bells, I would have been disappointed but the decision would have been made with all of the information.

As a villager I love the bells. It is an essential part of Village life and part of the ambient noise that also includes midnight trains, traffic and the occasional late night revelers from some of our local watering holes.

Church bells are used as a call to worship, a method of exaltation, and can be found in every major religion. But the hourly bells are much more than a marker of the time, they are a reminder of our community, be it parochial or secular. The stories of weary travelers hearing the bells of a church in the wee hours of the morning are too numerous to mention. The importance of the bells in those stories has nothing to do with the telling of time, they are a mechanism used to remind people that there is a safe haven for each of us. That, as alone as we may feel, we are each a member of a Church, a Village and a Community. It is during those times when the world seems the darkest that we need the bells the most.

This issue is a perfect example of where our country is failing. Long gone are the days when people would stand united to defend the principles and beliefs that they share. It's easier to cow to the person that complains the loudest. Placating is the easy answer, the path of least resistance. It is the reason that there aren't Christmas Trees in schools or Menorahs in front of Town Halls. Cave in, oil the squeaky wheel and hope that they don't complain about those insipid Wedding Bells.

On the Second Day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

TIM DUNCAN LOVE!

The AP just released it's list of the Athletes of the Decade. As was the case with The Wilt Chamberlain Frequent Flyer Award, Tiger Woods topped the list. Don't worry this isn't going to be another Pinata Woods piece.

The also rans for the honor were Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer and Michael Phelps. So to some up the best athletes on the planet were a golfer, a bicyclist, a tennis player and a swimmer. The very best. Athletes. In the WORLD...really?

Raise your hand if you went to a high school where an athlete in any if those sports was considered the best athlete. Am I wrong or did everyone that ever excelled at any of those sports first fail make the football, basketball or baseball teams?

Don't think about it for too long, you know I am right. You don't even have to be in very good shape to play golf. In fact most of you drink when you play and half of you smoke.

I'll give you that the other three might be in the best shape of anyone in the decade but do you really think Lance Armstrong is an athlete? Come on, Lance grew up in Texas and took up riding a bike. You don't think that it is at least possible that he got tired of getting cut from the football team and found it humiliating being the team "manager"? What better way to keep from getting your ass kicked than to learn how to ride a bike really, really fast.

Michael Phelps looks awkward smoking pot, how good could he possibly be at something that takes eye-hand coordination? If he was any kind of athlete he would have won the gold in water polo. At least Matt Biondi did that.

As for Mr. Federer, please don't tell me that my Xenophobia is acting up again because he couldn't even make it as a soccer player in Switzerland. That's like not being good enough to make the Jamaician Bobsled Team.

Sorry folks, Tim Duncan is the Athlete of the Decade. He plays a real sport and has won multiple World Titles despite playing with someone from France.

On the First Day of Christmas...

My true love gave to me, a "Team Tiger" reversible tee.

Nah, just kidding, I hate that guy and apparently so do many of you., It was announced today that Tiger has taken the biggest nose dive in the history of the Q-Rating. For the uninitiated a person's Q-Rating, or favorablility rating, determines your worth with the general public. It is a rating system that determines where sponsorship dollars go. Tiger Woods, as the first billionaire athlete, had a higher favorability rating than anyone...ever. People like Tom Hanks and Angelina Jolie are too liberal to stay with Tiger. And sports personalities are too polarizing because of the legions of fans that root against players like Tom Brady and Derek Jeter.

Tiger had it all, he, along with Oprah and Obama, is the most successful high profile minority in the history of the United States and he did so by dominating the most country club elitest sport this side of Polo. Conservatives and Liberals can't agree on anything except for their universal love for Tiger Woods.

Unfortunately Tiger likes to spread his "universal love"...to EVERYone. This single act of stupidity, and when I say single I mean of course multiple acts with hundreds of people spread out over the better part of a decade, has led to the single biggest free fall since The Depression. No, not THIS depression. The one with the Shanty Towns and the Orphanages...you know, the one from Annie, THE Depression.

Think about it, Tiger's face plant is bigger than Bill Clinton, David Letterman, O.J. Simpson, Ray Lewis, Roman Polanski and Milli Vanilli combined.

Bill Clinton and David Letterman each gave new meaning to the term "doing it for the kids" by teaching young interns how things work in the real world. And by real world I can only assume they mean the long running MTV show where people drink like the Kennedys and sleep around like, uh, well the Kennedys.

Letterman, thanks to an alleged threat of extortion, got out in front of his indiscretion by making uncomfortable jokes about his creepiness. While Slick Willie tried to deny everything, but in the end fell on the sword and asked for forgiveness.

 "I did not have sexual relations with that girl, Miss Lew- wait what? On her dress? Ooohh, COMEON! Who does that? Did she think it was a Petri Dish? Ok, I made some mistakes and I would like to apologize to the American Public because I'm a man...with NEEEEEDS. And after my term ends I have to spend the rest of my life with she who shan't be named. Can you FEEL MY pain?"

In both cases they bounced back and continued right where they left off. Letterman actually benefitted in the ratings and everyone knew Clinton was a horndog. Clinton has regained his stature to such a degree that he was the go to person when we were trying to save those stranded desperate girls from North Korea. Think about THAT. Can you imagine some official government type knocking on your door and telling you not to worry Bill Clinton is going to rescue your teenage daughter from some terrorists crazy Despot looking to rule the world. It's like a James Bond movie right?

O. J. was almost completely off the radar when he killed Nicole and Ron and he had a history of violence, so it wasn't like he was making Rent-a-car commercials a the time. Ray Lewis is more popular today then he was before he was accused of murder. And, Roman Polanski has been collecting Oscars and Lifetime Achievement awards during his vacation in France ever since he was convicted of rape. All three of tese guys felt no long term effects from their scandals.

I have no doubt that Tiger will regain many of his sponsors, much the way that Kobe did. He will come on Oprah, tell the world that he is a Sex Addict and his Q-Rating will bounce back. But he will never again be what he was. He will not be asked to host an event at an Inauguration. He won't be asked to speak about Human Rights in Korea. Organizations that depend on credibility, honest and professionalism won't come back around because no matter what he does he will be remembered for this past two and a half weeks.

He might as well embrace his true seedy self. Own it. Don't apologize for the behavior, don't pretend to be "working through" your problems. Please don't tell us you are going to try and patch things up with Elin. It's stupid and nobody will ever believe it. Become the villain. Embrace the black hat. Let Phil carry the mantle for awhile. Go the other way. That would be the most interesting thing he could do, but it won't happen because he has conditioned himself to being something that he's not for so long he actually believes he deserves to be the good guy. A role he believes he is entitled to...not unlike Roger Clemens.

[editor's note- It was reported today that Tiger Woods might have a professional relationship with this guy. I'm sure it's nothing, just coincidental. I mean sure Tiger looks to have gained a hat size or two since 1996 but Tiger wouldn't use performance enhancers, right?]

Anyway, don't feel bad for The Cheetah, like all cats, he will land on his feet and he will become the greatest golfer of all-time.

The only difference will be the lack of deference.