Little Ben

So ESPN announced late last night that Ben Roethlisberger will NOT be charged with sexual assault. I decided when the accusations were made initially that I would reserve judgement until the case was resolved.

Well it looks like he didn't do anything wrong. According to sources, Milledgeville, GA District Attorney, Fred Bright, just didn't have enough to prosecute the 28-year old, two time Super Bowl winning Quarterback. In this twenty-four second news cycle, everyone LOVES to pile on the accused, especially if they are a celebrity. Long gone is the idea of innocent until proven guilty. Anyone remember the Duke Lacrosse team?

Having said that, Roethlisberger is guilty. Wait, what? You aren't standing behind the quarterback that brought the Steelers two Super Bowls after a twenty-six year drought? Nope, as Mike Singletary would say, Can't Do It. 

So what's he guilty of? Being an idiot. I don't know, how about bad judgement. Arrogance, entitlement, immaturity, selfishness, scumbagginess? Pick one. The bottom line is that he is an embarrassment and needs to be traded... Today. Before the draft.

Kevin Colbert, get Al Davis on the horn and send Ben to the Black Hole immediately. I waited twenty-six years between Super Bowls, the Steelers will be fine without him. Since I have been a Steelers fan the Steelers have made it to the AFC Championship more than 33% of the time. That's right, since 1974 the Steelers have played in the game leading up to the Super Bowl 14 times. Of the competitive teams in the NFL that's twice as many as the next best team. [editor's note- The Raiders have made it to 11, but are they really "competitive?"] 

If the front office is feeling bad about trading away their franchise Quarterback they could show their appreciation by having a Big Ben Night when he comes back to town. They could have it coincide with the next helmet give away, have Hooter's sponsor it and give him a custom Harley Davison. You know so there won't be any hard feelings.

J-Lo, Moody and Preggo- My review of The Back-Up Plan without seeing it

With Eldrich prepping to tee it up for the first time since Elin Pimped his Ride, my thoughts logically turn to Jennifer Lopez. I'm sorry I'm as interested as the next guy about The Cheetah's week at the Masters but until we get to the weekend it just isn't THAT exciting.

So back to J-Lo. I was enjoying the last episode of Lost, for the second time last night [editor's note- I'm a Desmond-is-the-ultimate-hero-of-the-show guy and so anytime it's a Desmond-centric episode you can mark me down for a minimum of three viewings. Am I a Geek? Maybe. Do I spend an inordinate amount of time watching TV? Perhaps. Do I hate people that ask and answer their own questions? Definitely.]


At any rate, there I was minding my own business, watching Lost and...ok, I'll admit it I got lazy. I didn't push pause on my TV when I got up to get a beer. I just let the show play like I was living in the last century. Well, one thing leads to another and suddenly I'm watching a commercial. It's been eight years, seven months and three days since I've watched a commercial, Steelers games and the Super Bowl not withstanding. But to make matters worse the commercial was for this Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy.

So there I was with my head in the refrigerator listening to J-Lo singing a cover of I'm Not Going To Write You a Love Song... I mean, the song sounded a lot like that song from Maid of Honor, you know the one with Patrick McDreamy? He played the roguishly handsome architect/doctor/carpenter, that is really well off financially,  has a wise cracking mother/agent/secretary, loves dogs, changes his shirt in the office, always dresses like he jumped off the pages of GQ, owns that killer house/condo/villa, is super neat, happens to be 45 years old, way into girls, a gourmet chef, single, definitely not gay, and juggles something. You know the movie, right? Well, now that I think about it maybe it wasn't a cover of that song at all.

But back to the J-Lo thing, in my fumbling for a bottle opener I watched the entire commercial of this latest outing, I think it's called She's Having 27 Leap Years. It appears as though the movie is going to be all about J-Lo being pregnant. Not getting pregnant mind you...BEING pregnant. God, what I wouldn't give to have been wooing a pregnant Jennifer Lopez.

The movie won't start with her preggers, there will be a long montage that consists of the worst possible dates imaginable. It'll be just like 40 Year Old Virgin only funnier. There'll be a guy that lives with his mom, someone that lives with thirty-five cats, a Lord of the Rings guy and even a brief cameo by Marc Anthony. I hope J-Lo says something like, "singers creep me out" when it happens. You know something inside (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). HiLARIOUS!

She'll ask her gay long time best friend to artificially inseminate her. Cue the spit take.

But right when you least expect it, and when I say that I mean that it will be EXACTLY when you expect it because it will be raining and she'll be sad because the fertility clinic will say, "I'm sorry Chloe/Izzie/Zoe/Apple... but there's always adoption." That person will most likely be played by Kristen Wiig. And then- Whammo- a really attractive British guy using his American accent will stumble into her life.

I must say that this movie is pretty refreshing in it's use of J-Lo's pregnancy as prime fodder for courtship. Because as anyone that has ever been involved in one knows, pregnancy oozes romance. No wait, that came out wrong...whoa, that's not what I meant either. What I was trying to say was it's definitely a bold move to center a romantic comedy around baby birthing. Because most guys, that don't need to be registered on special lists, LOVE dating women that are newly pregnant with someone else's baby. Totally believable.

Ok, before I get a bunch of e-mails and phone calls. I am not against pregnancy, nor am I against the idea of adoption, foster children, cloning or even consensual kidnapping (when done properly) but what I am against is insipid formulaic movies starring J-Lo.

The whole J-Lo thing is weird to me. She was well on her way to becoming a legitimate actress. No, I'm not joking. Look, no fan of Selena me, but she was very good in the 45 minutes I could take of that movie and she was terrific in U-Turn during the parts I wasn't wishing Sean Penn would become a permanent citizen of Venezuela. And, furthermore, I will have words with anyone that says that Karen Sisco, in Out of Sight, isn't one of the best female characters in any movie over the last twenty years. That movie is still Steven Soderbergh's best to-date and that has a lot to do with Jennifer Lopez.

But then she had to remember her roots, which oddly had nothing to do with her sleeping her way to the top or the memory that she got into the business as a Go-Go Dancer. No apparently getting back to her roots meant jump starting that singing career that somehow stalled when she was 13. Well, Jenny from the block begat a string of such auto-tuned classics as that song about her shoes, the one where she sang phonetically in Spanish and of course this new one from the movie that's bound to be a chart topper.

"But Trip, you're being unfair. You're talking about a major "A" List celebrity"

She's a celebrity, I'll give you that. But so is Kim Kardashian. Face it, she has done 20 movies and exactly none of them have ever made 100 million at the box office. The average take for a J-Lo movie? 40 million. Just so we're clear the Tooth Fairy and Legion have made more than that this year. Oh, you're familiar with The Rock movie but you've never heard of the other one? Well I guess that's the point isn't it?

This movie is terrible, if you want to watch a romantic comedy go rent anything with Cary Grant, start with the Philadelphia Story. And if that's not your bag watch anything with Sandy Bullock, she needs the mojo.

I have included the the official poster for The Backup Plan starring Jennifer and some other guy. It really tells the story. I'm not sure who the other guy is because he's a relative unknown and mostly because she is completely covering his face with her hand.  Well played Jenny, well played.

Play for the Redskins or the Raiders? Drink a Kale or Broccoli Milk Shake?

Let me get this straight, the Philadelphia Iggles sent Donovan McNabb to the Washington Napoleans for a 2nd round pick in this years draft, a 3rd or 4th in next years and a booster seat with the initials Daniel Snyder.


On the surface this appears to be a pretty fair deal for both sides, right? Wrong. When was the last time the Redskins made a good off-season transaction? Albert Haynesworth was such a monumental mistake that they tried to send him to Philly in the McNabb deal...and the Eagles opted for the 3rd or 4th in NEXT year's draft. Clinton Portis was pretty good, but Running Backs are a dime a dozen and the Napoleans gave up a shutdown Corner to get him. Brunell, Sanders, Smith, no, no, and no. I think the last truly successful football transaction made by the Redskins was when they picked up Riggo back in the day. Even Doug Williams was only good for one year

Sorry 'skins fans but until Shanahan proves otherwise, we have to assume that the Washington Redskins got taken in this deal. The next solid football decision Danny Snyder makes will be his first solid football decision. By the way and included Tom Cruise in the photo for scale.


The other aspect of this trade that I find disturbing is all the class McNabb has shown publicly. I mean what's with THAT? And was that, Eagles head coach, Andy Reid becoming choked up at the very thought of playing a season without number 5 during an interview on the Mike and Mike- In The Morning?

Didn't these people learn anything from Brett Favre during his decade long march to Retirement3.0? How can Kevin Kolb sit there during his press conference expect us to believe that Donovan McNabb was helpful and largely responsible for his development as a Quarterback and a man? Come on, what was Donovan thinking? Helping a young player develop? That's not how it works. If we have learned anything from Brett Favre over these last several years its that it is impossible to be a stand up guy the face of competition. You know the old saying, "It's always more important to look good, seem supportive and act down-to-earth, than it is to actually BE successful, supportive and down-to-earth."

I actually think that the McNabb-Favre connection is pretty strong. Besides the obvious loyalty stuff, if you were putting together the list of the greatest QB's of all-time they would be closer to each other than they would be to the top. Oh, keep it down. Anyone that has Brett Favre ranked in the top ten all-time is dumb and doesn't get to rank anything else every again.

Let's face it, if you strip away the "gunslinger" moniker from Favre, both he and McNabb will be remembered as highly successful signal callers that always played just well enough to lose the big game.

Don't get me wrong, I'm rooting for McNabb. No one has done more with less over the last ten years. Other than TO, McNabb has never had a  Pro Bowl receiver on his team. You know who had that same kind of support during his career?..John Elway. Of course Elway finally surrounded himself with enough talent to win a couple of Lombardi's at the end of his career. If only McNabb could somehow find the architect of those Denver teams.

Oh, that's right it was Mike Shanahan, and Elway was a year older than McNabb when Shanny took over the Donkey's. AND this time around Shanahan has not one Running Back but THREE solid Backs to choose from in Larry Johnson, Clinton Portis and, my personal favorite, Fast Willie Parker. You want to know something else? Washington has a pretty good defense, something Denver was lacking.

Maybe I need to reassess my position on this McNabb trade. Maybe, just maybe, Little Danny Snyder has finally figured out how to make solid football decisions for his-

NAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!