Chin's NFL Quatrains

I don't like to brag, but I have the ability to see the future. Nostradamus, Tarot, Ouija, The Great Karnak...morons. I choose to use these gifts for good. And at this time of the year I'll use it to predict the Super Bowl. In the interest of full disclosure I don't really want to do it because I'm a Steelers fan. Let's face it, I'm depressed, pissed, frustrated, angry and annoyed. But on the plus side, Rolando McClain is going to look good in Black and Gold.

Anyway, because of my apathy towards the NFL Playoffs without the Steelers I will have to revert to the time honored tradition and techniques used in sculpting to come up with my prediction. It's like that famous artist Mikey Angelo used to say, "I look at a slab of marble and just get rid of the parts that don't look like a big muscular man with a small penis."

So here it goes.

Unlike the rest of the National Media I will spend NO time talking about the Vikings chances. They have Favre at Quarterback and I am on record as saying that the last play of the season for Minnesota's Offense will be an interception. They aren't going to win anything. I can't wait to speculate on Brett's football future.  2Br~2B

Another team that doesn't need a lot of thought to eliminate are the Colts. They tanked the last two games of the season which hasn't worked for the last, um let me see....DECADE! Only one team has won the Super Bowl in the last ten years when they mailed it in during the final weekend. That team was the 2002 Bucs and while they may have rested their offensive starters, their offensive starters were Michael Pittman, that loud mouth wide receiver from ESPN, no not Cris Carter. He put up numbers when he played. I'm talking about the other guy. Anyway those two guys and starting Quarterback, BradJohnson. For some reason they rested him even though his only previous success was in a '80s TV show were they wore sports coats without shirts and solved crimes accompanied by Phil Collins music.

ANYway, I'm sure that the Bucs won because they gave those guys a rest. It probably had nothing to do with the defense...which rested nobody during their shutout of the Bears. Bottom Line the Colts aren't winning the Super Bowl either.

I could wow and amaze you with statistics and theories to support the next two eliminations but I'll be honest instead. I'm a STEELERS fan so the Balt-E-More Birdies and the Cincy Bungles are out.

I like the innocence of the Jets. Rex Ryan is a breath of fresh air in his pressers and I think that players love him. I also was a huge fan of both Darelle Revis from Pitt and Shonn Greene of Iowa before their respective drafts. Revis could be used as a return man as well ala Rod Woodson and Greene reminds me of Barry Foster...did I mention that I'm a Steelers fan? The only problem with the Jets is the rookie Quarterback. No team has ever won a Super Bowl with one and THIS rookie never won a big game in college. Sanchez won Bowl games but only after USC was eliminated from the National Championship by Cal or Oregon State. The Jets won't do it, not this year.

I hate New England, but I have to give them a punchers chance because of Brady and Brady alone. That defense is terrible, they can't pressure the Quarterback and the secondary is gawdawful. In fact the only talent on that side of the ball is Jerod Mayo and he still has a ways to go before we start talking about him in the same sentence as...oh, I don't know say JACK LAMBERT. I'm kidding, he's not even as good as Levon Kirkland, er- James Farrior. Hardy Nickerson, I mean David Little. Jerry Olsavsky, he isn't as good as Jerry Olsavsky yet.

What were we talking about? Oh, right the Pats. I'm afraid to say, and when I say afraid I mean totally over the moon about it, that this just isn't the Patriots year.

So that leaves San Diego in the AFC, but I am NOT picking the Chargers because Norv Turner is still the coach of that team and you know what that means? That means that Norv Turner IS STILL THE COACH OF THE TEAM. I would say "sorry" to all of the diehard Chargers fans but there aren't any.

The Saints are out because they were never that good to begin with. Too many holes and they hit their stride too early in the year. In this case I do apologize to the Saints faithful, because despite a bad economy and a devastated community they honestly support this team. Of course there isn't anything better to do in Nawlins than rooting for the Aints. Well nothing better to do that won't land you in jail. So what're ya gunna do 'bout dat?

The Dallas High-Def JumboTrons aren't going to win the Super Bowl either. I just can't pick a team where the Quarterback so consistently comes up small in the biggest moments. And don't forget that Romo is back to acting as the team's holder. Sorry JumboTrons you won't be playing in February, but at least you will have a really big f@(&ing TV to watch the Super Bowl from home. Turns out that the real reason they put a whole in the roof was so that God could watch TV. [editor's note- Jerry Jones is going to fire Wade Phillps. This hurts to type, but look for Cowher Power to find its way to Texas.]

So that leaves the Eagles, Packers and Cardinals. A quick breakdown of the strengths and weaknesses of these teams suggest an obvious winner. The Cardinals have been there before, but they also have an aging QB with a suspect defense and very little running game. The Packers have one of the five best QB's in the league, but a spotty running game, a weak pass blocking offensive line and they don't play well on the road. Finally, the Eagles have the most talented offense in the NFL, but also have a QB that likes to vomit at crunch time.

So it would seem that these three teams are pretty well balanced, right? I know what you're saying, "Hey Trip, you can't pick the Steelers so quit beating around the bush here and tell us your pick." 

Oh, yeah? Just watch me.

The Arizona Cardinals, or the Pittsburgh Steelers- Western Division, have everything that you need in a championship team. Unfortunately the strongest Steeler connection is with Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm and they both hate the Rooneys for passing them over in favor of Mike Tomlin. So, the Cardinals? OUT!

The Green Bay Packers are really hitting on all cylinders right now and the only blemish on their late season record is that exciting 36-37 loss to...you guessed it the Steelers. But that isn't even the real connection. The fact is the Cheeseheads have Dom Capers at Defensive Coordinator. Capers was the Steelers D-Coordinator during the Greg Lloyd-Rod Woodson led Blitzburgh years. In fact Dick LeBeau was originally the Secondary Coach for that toupee wearing defensive genius. Unfortunately for the Pack that will lead to their undoing because Capers is still bitter that LeBeau gets all of the credit for inventing the zone blitz. It's close, but the Packers aren't going to win the Super Bowl either.

This leaves only one team, the Philadelphia Eagles. Is it because of Andy Reid? No. The experience of Donovan McNabb? No. How about the electric receivers Desean Jackson or Jeremy Maclin? Nope. The reason the Eagles will win...because they used to be property of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Yep it's true, in 1943 Steeler owner/founder Art Rooney saved the Eagles for extinction by allowing them to join the Steelers for one season during WWII. Face it, there would be no such thing as the Philadelphia Eagles if not for the generosity and largess of the Pittsburgh Steelers. It's sort of like, you know, the way people credit Tony Dungy for the Bucs Super Bowl. Same thing.

HERE WE GE STEAGLES, HERE WE GO!!!