Wait, What You Mean It Isn't Real?

So let me get this straight Britney Spears, up until this past weekend, had fooled an entire country into believing she was actually singing. Look, I love Australia as much as the next guy, but this is the most damning news regarding a country's stupidity this side of Jerry Lewis and the French.

I mean even the Germans know that Hasselhoff can't act. And while Don Cherry may be one of the most annoying people ever you can't argue with two decades worth of ratings for Hockey Night in Canada and he usually wears something interesting.

The thing that is even more mind blowing to me than the Aussies collective head in the sand regarding the Ms. Spears, is the fact that she has had the success she's had. I get the whole creepy-pigtailed-high school-hussie-success of her first album, but she has absolutely no discernable talent. I mean, she can remember a few dance moves, but she can't sing and she doesn't write or produce any of her music, so what exactly does she bring to the table? Tabloids, Paparazzi, drugs, custody battles, a dearth in panty sales, crazy behavior, lunacy, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria. I mean couldn't the same producers, with the same songs, pluck some girl from Kansas and come up with better results? Sure, but she wouldn't have that crazy head shaving stuff and THAT stuff is what makes he successful.

Of course this is me getting ready to bang my shoe on my desk in an effort to rally the troops the insist that we stand up for something more, something better. Something with heart, something with soul. Let's celebrate depth of character. Hasn't Obama showed us that intelligence is the new cool? Let's rise up and say NO to TMZ and let's tell Perez Hilton that we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore. Starting tonight we should all boycott the human train wreck that is Britney Spears and protect our young impressionable children from this depravity. Blah, blah, morals. Yada Yada, ethics. Murmur murmur Glory Days. Is Pollyanna a good color on me? I can never tell. Now who's with meeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh?

I'm going to go the other way on this one. I say lets boost her up again. Who cares that she is a talentless harlot. Let's start going back to her concerts, let's buy her albums exclusively at Walmart, and for God's sake lets make sure to buy her new line of delicates, the Empress' New Clothz, they make a great stocking stuffer.

We need Brit-Brit at the head of the class again because then and only then will we get to watch her come crumbling down. And that's just fun for everyone. Just think of it Circus sweeps the VMA's next year, she starts dating Shia LeBouf, the two remake the Bodyguard, only this time it's more synthesized. Disney hires that guy from District 9, Neil Blumpkin I think his name is, to do a remake of Mary Poppins with Ms. Spears and, Whammo, she has the world on a string.

And right when she is poised to take her place on the Mt. Rushmore of Pop, next two pillars Madonna, Elvis and Michael Jackson, with a special two-hour one-on-one interview with Katie Couric, just when it looks like she has really gotten it together, she will have another meltdown.

It'll probably include fake accents, weeklong binges, Parkour with the kids on the 23rd Floor of the Bellaggio, a shaved head or two, she might wake up in a wood pile somewhere, maybe she'll make her skin look like this =>

Perhaps she will let out that lost little boy that's been buried under layers of self-loathing and bubblegum and decide to become Brett Spears. Or, if we're lucky, she'll make the ultimate sacrifice for us voyeurs and start dating Anne Heche.

Go, Go, Godzilla

There is a major difference between Hideki Matsui and Alex Rodriguez can you spot it?

Are you having trouble? Let me give you a few clues.

It has to do with notoriety. No I'm not talking about the kind you get from late night trysts with Strippers that are used to getting paid in Loonys, while listening to Rush with the faint smell of two day old back bacon hanging in the air. In fact, I'm not even talking about the publicity you get from a messy divorce or the subsequent publicity bump you get from dating the daughter of a talented actress.

All of those things do bring notoriety, but ARod isn't the only person to get some notoriety for his extracurricular activities. Have you forgotten all the press Matsui got when he showed everybody a picture of his wife. It was the first time anyone had ever seen a picture of his wife...and he drew it. What? No I'm not joking the only picture of Matsui's special lady was sketched by MATSUI! No Paparazzi Photos, no full page spreads in Maxim, not even a side bar shot in Red Book. One sketch drawn by Hideki, that's it. And anyway that's not even the notoriety I'm talking about.

How can I give you a hint that will- Ahh, I've got it. Only one of them will will be credited and remembered for their dedication to their team and the sacrifices made in an effort to bring pride and honor to his hometown.

No, not Matsui's decision to represent his homeland of Japan in the World Baseball Classic. I mean I know that Matsui insisted on playing in the first WBC despite being injured. Sure he felt representing the country where he was born and raised, where he learned how to play the game that he still loves, was more important than being healthy for the million dollar incentives available to him with the Yankees.

No point in bringing that up because ARod basically did the same thing. Because when you think about it ARod was super generous when he played for the Dominican Republic, a team he coincidentally thought had the best chance of winning, despite having never VISITED the place. It's sort of the same thing, right.

No it's neither of those things. Let's see how shall I ease into this?

Ok maybe my clues are too vague. The major difference between ARod and Godzilla has to do with the respect. I know what you're thinking, but no I'm not talking about respect for the game. Although sure Matsui plays the game hard, congratulates his teammates, works the count to tire the pitcher, goes the other way to advance the runner and travels with the rest of the guys.

I'm not saying that ARod is out for himself and doesn't have the same respect for the game, but only one of those guys has been known to yell at opposing players during a routine pop-up, attempt to slap a ball out of the first basemen's glove following a weak ground out with runners in scoring position and, if you watched the game last night, only one of them faked being hit by a pitch on ball four just so he could look like a scrappy ball player. Pathetic.

No, I'm talking about being recognized for excellence on the biggest stage. Only one of these two men can call themselves World Series MVP.

Congrats Hideki Matsui for being named the 2009 World Series MVP. Now get outta here, buy some champagne and draw your wife...a bath.

Look It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Madonna

Thank God Madge is around to tell us what we're doing wrong. Here's the thing Madonna needs to shut up. I really don't need to hear from Ms. Ciccone-Penn-Ritchie about morals, ethics, values, or principles. But to make matters worse today we also got to be scolded by Ethan Hawke, that bastion of virtue, as well.

I guess somebody needed to say something about the mistreatment of the Gypsies, who have been persecuted by the masses ever since Ian Fleming made them the focus of a storyline involving a British Spy and the Orient Express.

There is really nothing I enjoy more than hearing from the Material Girl. I mean she spends more than most countries annually trying to keep herself looking fit and fabulous. And for the record there is NO ONE on the planet that looks more tired. I think Desmond Tutu said it best when he said that she looks like she's been ridden hard and hung up wet. It might not have been Desmond but it was someone really impressive...I think. At any rate, at least she's still wearing creepy lingerie from the touring company of Cabaret.

However when it comes to matters of import, she is THE resource. Afterall she knows what it's like to be treated poorly, and she understands the nuances involved in ethnic rivalries and civil war. And there is nothing more impressive than hearing about those subtleties through an electronic vocal enhancer. Do YOU believe in Life after Love?

And let's hear it for Ethan Hawke. I mean talk about courage. This guy really has laid it on the line by supporting Madonna in her effort to rid the world of the bigotry involving the Gypsy community. Hawke knows a little something about the generalities associated with the Gypsies, afterall he has spent the majority of his adult life living down the very idea that he didn't shower because he was a slacker. Everybody knows that Mr. Hawke doesn't have the time to shower with all of the poetry, playwriting, angst riding, nanny banging, earnestness already on his plate.

So let me be the first to say thank you. Thank You Madonna for showing me that there is more to life than television, but it is important to own one for every room in your house. And thank you Ethan Hawke. Now I realize how pointless my life is because I don't understand what truly matters in life...the ability to go clubbing in New York with Jude Law and a truck full of college girls, bonus points if one of them is your nanny.

We are so lucky to have these philanthropists among us, I just wish I had them here with me to explain all of it to me everyday. It's my wish that everybody on the planet one day have the ability to hear Madonna's teachings and that, if she can find the time, she expand her view to include another downtrodden group to her fold. A people in need of a voice...the Amish.