The Pie Guy Cometh

I know that it's easy to say this today, but I have been a fan of A. J. Burnett from the moment he first unveiled his signature "Pie" move. Don't get me wrong "Pieing" has been around longer than the Designated Hitter, but Burnett brought it to the Yankees. Burnett's attitude has been completely refreshing.

Coming to the Yankees as a high priced free agent is often a death knell for a players productivity. Dave Winfield was The Compiler long before A-Rod, Ed Whitson, The Count, Rickey Henderson, Danny Tartabull, Randy Johnson, Jason Giambi are just a few on the long list of players that found NYC too big for their games. Face it Steve Sax and the scrappy Chuck Knoblauch both got such a bad case of the yips that they couldn't make the throw from second. It's hard to play in New York.

But this year seems to be different. From the jump C.C. Sabathia, Mark Teixeira and A. J. Burnett have come to play. None of them look like the stage is too big for them. Even during Teixeira's hitting slump leading upto the World Series, he looked like he was in control of his game and his emotions, and anchors the infield as well as anyone since Donnie Baseball. Sabathia has been the leader of the rotation throughout the regular season and play-offs and has proven the "experts" wrong on three days rest. Even in the game 1 loss C. C. only really made two bad pitches. [editor's note with Morgan Freeman voice over- C.C. Sabthia doesn't play for the Mets and he isn't Sid Fernandez but if you squint your eyes and the light is juuusst right...] As great as those guys have been the person who stands out to me is Burnett.

A. J. comes across as an A.J.. He has treated his first season in Gotham like a 18 year old senior playing for the local high school. Monkeying around in the bullpen, cracking jokes on the bench, having his kids answer questions during a press conference, and of course the Pies. Burnett seems to be having more fun playing baseball than anyone I can remember... that didn't get kicked out the game for betting. Tell me that you didn't do a double take the first time you saw A.J. pie that no-name rookie back in June. And it wasn't because you hadn't seen that act before, it's because you hadn't seen that act on the Yankees. Afterall this is the same organization that forced Johnny Damon to cut his trademark locks.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the Yankees led the league in walk-off wins this year. I know what you're saying, "Well they have the most talent off course they have the most walk-off wins." But they ALWAYS have the most talent, and they NEVER lead the league in comebacks. In the last one hundred years there have only been about twelve seasons where you couldn't make the argument that the Yankees had the most talent in the league. Most of the time that talent has their delicate collective psyche tied in such a knot that they fire easy ground outs into the Mezzanine.

This year is different before the Series even A-Rod seemed relaxed.[editor's note2.0- A-Rod has six K's in 8 at-bats. I'm not saying that I think he is going to face plant the rest of the way, but I'm not buying tickets behind firstbase anytime soon either. A-Rod's psyche makes Knoblauch's look like Dimaggio's.] I picked the Yankees in seven and I see no reason to change that prediction. Tell me you can't wait to see Burnett pie Jeter in the face after the Yankee Captain wins it with a walk-off double in the tenth.

One with Everything...Everything That Won't Offend Others Of Course.

I am told that Political Correctness exists for the safety of others. And that's fine, because in many of the most egregious cases I don't understand or see the issue. However things are really getting out of hand.

Just last week I was sitting in my sons classroom, for one of those elementary school open houses, when the teacher quieted us parents down for some "significant changes in the methodology for shepherding our youths." Really? Are they "Ours" because if they are I will gladly have you come over to my house at three in the morning the next time I need to unclog my toilet. But I digress.

She continued to talk down to us by saying that she was no longer going to be using the phrase "That is inappropriate" with our children when they do something wrong. Instead the entire faculty and administration will be charged to say, "Well that was an unexpected event." Are you kidding me? An unexpected event? I mean "inappropriate" is bad enough, but an unexpected event? An earthquake is an unexpected event. The Hindenburg was unexpected. Chewing with your mouth open is inappropriate. Smacking the kid in the back of the room with a ruler so you can take their lunch money is bad and needs to have serious consequences to curb future behavior.

Have I said too much? Apparently I have or at least I did because my wife had to listen to the remainder of this lecture on proper parenting presented by this twenty-five year old wymen's studies wall flower on her own as I was escorted from the premises.

After my abrupt dismissal from the school grounds I found myself teaching everyone a lesson by drinking scotch and watching ESPN.  I don't remember any of the scores but I do recall watching one apology after another. I watched mea culpa after mea culpa and the only thing I could think after each was, "these people are only apologizing because they are suppose to. These PC apologies have lost all meaning in the last ten years. No matter how absurd the comment, action or behavior there is an apology sure to follow.

Steve Phillips' apology for his micro-management of a 22 year old PA with a Glen Close fixation was laughable. This would be a sad situation for a man that made a mistake, except for the fact that he lost his job with the Mets for the same reason. This is where PCness is annoying. Here is a guy that doesn't need to apologize, he needs a chastity belt. His apology is a joke. It's one thing if he slipped up but this is the second time that he has blown it by making an ugly public mistake by getting blown by a ugly mistake publicly. He apologized because that's what you are suppose to do in this day an age. It's a joke. The only thing he is soprry about is that he didn't have Letterman's cred to manipulate the company's sexual harassment policy.

This ridiculous apology was followed by my favorite kicker, Steeler's Jeff Reed, saying that he was sorry for picking a fight with the Pittsburgh police. This was equally pathetic, not because it was his second offense but because he showed more fire during this press conference than he did on that kick return by Percy Harvin. Now that was pathetic. The other problem with this news conference was that he clearly didn't mean it. I mean Jeff Reed was only angry for one thing and that is that, much like a typical Steelers game, Matt Spaeth couldn't hold it.

Larry Johnson and Bob Griese were next up in the contrition parade with their shallow apologies for comments that were made off the cuff. Both of these men meant what they said. Both made comments that were completely deplorable, but both will make similar comments to their friends later today. LJ is a homophobic bigot and Griese is of a different era that has never been told to toe the line. Johnson wouldn't have made the same golf-centric homophobic comments about Belicheat, and yet Billy has as much experience playing in the NFL as Todd Haley. Much like my children stealing cookies, Larry Johnson isn't sorry that he made these comments, he's sorry that he got caught. Same goes for Griese. Sure it's inappropriate to say Juan  Montoya was off having a Taco, but he wasn't sorry that he said it. These guys are apologizing because they have to. They are both idiots, but we live in a country that is suppose to allow such behavior.

The worst apology in the history of the planet came today from Jets QB Mark Sanchez. Sanchez apologized for eating a hot dog on the sideline. I'm not kidding. He said that he was sorry that he ate a hot dog during the Jets game this weekend. For who? For what? Did he offend the hamburgers of the world? Perhaps Pizza lovers felt slighted. More pathetic than this apology is the publicist that told him he had to. I mean get over it.

Hot Dog Apologies now THAT is an unexpected event.

Ahhhh, youth sports. Is there anything more heart warming than watching your kid participate with their friends-

Hey down in front. I said out of the way butt hole. Look I'm paying top dollar for this $#!+. My kid is gifted and needs the extra time more than your kid. I mean just look at your kid. He's doing it ALL WRONG!! Hey Chuck you might want to let your kid drink from a straw from now on because he's sure good at sucking.

What? Oh lighten up, Chuck. It's a joke. Just because your six year old lacks any discernable skills doesn't mean that you have to lack any and all sense of humor. Learn to laugh at your son's failures...because that's what we're doing

Look this is supposed to be fun and with what I have seen so far, and knowing his gene pool, he's going to be dealing with athletic inadequacy for years. So here's a little friendly advice, you better teach that towel-fetching-clipboard-carrying-future statistician where his place is on this team and keep him out of my sons way. Nobody likes a bad loser.

Now where was I... Oh yeah, the joys of youth sports. It's really important to have fun at this age... Unless you suck in which case you should have fun playing Magik the role playing card game.

Substance Over Style?

Jimmy Rollins is clutch. That guy is the closest thing to Jeter that there is and while Ryan Howard and Alex Rodriquez are going to get all of the pub for his big flies, I'll take Rollins and Jeter.

Lost in all of the A-Rod hullabaloo is the fact that in each game that A-Rod has been successful he has done so AFTER Jeter did something to show him the way. Whether its a clutch hit, a homerun, smart base running or a defensive gem, Jeter leads his team as well as any player ever.

The most exciting thing about this post season is that, by the end of this World Series the Cheese Steaks will likely be able to add their shortstop to the Pantheon of clutch leaders. Rollins does it all. And more importantly he does it just as well when nobody is paying attention.

Prior to the season last year Rollins came out and said that the Phillies had the talent to win it all and that they were head annd shoulders the best team in the NL East. It doesn't seem like such a big deal right now but the fact of the matter is that few experts were picking the Phillies in the East last year, much less ti be World Champs. The Mets had acquired Johan Santana and were considered by most to be the class of the East. And as far as winning the World Series they were firmly placed behind Colorado, Chicago, St. Louis and New York.

No matter Rollins calls it like he sees it, which is slightly different than the always calculated Jeter, but his effectiveness as a leader is no less successful. Rollins doesn't shy away from the spot light and proudly carries the burden of his teams failures.

Rollins' heroics last night were just the latest and most visible in a long line of clutch performances.

The obvious  Torre-coming-back-to-New-York storyline in the World Series is nice and appropriately Hollywood, but the match up with substance is Jeter-Rollins. Here's hoping for Substance over Style.

The Apocalypse is Coming

The End is Nigh

Let me get this straight. I've been in Canada for the last ten days and while I have been away:

1. Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, apparently for run two Wars at the same time and keeping the Moon in check by firing two high hard ones into its surface, "looking for water." US-2, Moon-0

2. Also leading 2-0 are the Yanks. Apparently A-Rod has been doing his best Jeter impression and staking the Yanks to a quick two game lead over the Angles in the ALCS. If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, the Black Crowes haven't produced anything worth a duce since the divorce.

3. The Broncos are 5-0 under the watchful eye of some kid that needs an adult in the car to drive after dark.

4. Bob Dylan is coming out with a Christmas Album??? What, for real? A Christmas Album? I suppose you are going to tell me that the hottest TV show in America is some lame High School Musical rip-off...

5. Some lame High School Musical rip-off is the Hottest show on Television.

6. Tell me if I have this one right. Some snotty six year old kid pretended to stow away in a UFO-like mylar balloon that his parents were building in the back yard. The same parents that had previously put their entire family on Wife Swap...TWICE and the only reason anyone questioned the validity of the story came after, hard hitting journalist, Wolf Blitzer made the kid puke? Ok, the vomiting came on the Today Show, but the only thing that got anyone asking any questions came after the kid slipped up? Wow, Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite must be proud. [editor's note- I'm sorry I may be a cold hearted SOB but if you are making an experimental balloon in your backyard AFTER being on Wife Swap maybe it would be in everybody's best interest to insist that all of their children be placed in the balloon for safety reasons]


7. David Letterman's ratings are through the roof ever since he announced he had been sleeping with the interns. But the genius of the whole thing is that he specifically omitted that kind of thing from the LAte Show Sexual Harassment Policy. Brilliant. Somewhere Bill Clinton is waking up from a tequila induced fog and wondering what the hell happened.

8. LeBron James has Swine Flu. You know that kind of thing just doesn't happen in New York City, LeBron. Just sayin'.

and lastly,

9. While I was away the Swiss finally captured Roman Polanski. I hoped they used the cockscrew. That guy deserves to be put away for ever. But the most interesting thing about the whole Director-is-a-child-rapist thing is the support he gets from Hollywood "Intellectuals" and France. I have NO idea why the HI's support him but I am beginning to understand why France is in his corner. Obviously there's the whole "We give up" mentality they have implemented since they lost to England, but more recently I read that the Cultural Minister of France just released an AUTO-biography. In it he described paying young Thai boys to service him. Yep, that's right in his own AUTO-biography he detailed paying underage boys to pleasure him. Wrote it...himself...in a book. So when you step back the whole Roman Polanski thing really makes a lot of sense. [editor's note- Roman Polanski should rot for the rest of his life in prison and the prison should be in Antarctica and they should play Oliver Twist, Pirates and Dance of the Vampires on a continuous loop]

So I would like to apologize to everyone for leaving my post. I mean really if these aren't the signs of the apocalypse...trust me, stay away from the green bananas.

The Compiler

I think I just threw up in my mouth, yep I did. In the midst of my euphoria over the Twins forcing a one game playoff with the Tigers (is there anything cooler than a one game playoff in baseball?), I noticed that Alex Rodriguez hit two homers and drove in seven runs in the Yankees meaningless season finale against the Rays.

Why is that significant, I mean ARod has had other multiple home run games right? True, but last night those numbers gave A-Fraud 30 Home Runs and 100 RBI for the season. EXACTLY 30 friggin' dingers and EXACTLY 100 friggin' stakes. Are you effing kidding me?

That is the greatest box score that I have EVER seen. It defines The Compiler's career. Nobody comes up bigger against the Royals in June than A-Rod. Name another current player that delivers more reliably than A-Diva when his team is sitting on a five run lead? You can't name anyone can you. A-Rod NEVER comes out of a game in the late innings with his team up by double digits. I mean EVER.

The fact that he plays 30 feet away from the quintessential "Ball Player" is insane. Clearly the baseball gods have a sense of humor. Jeter might be the Coolest person on the planet or maybe ever. So maybe he needs A-Rod around for the same reason that Sinatra needed Peter Lawford...perspective.

Well congratulations on getting another 30-100 season under your belt Alex, but five will get you ten that you won't match last nights numbers during the entire Yankee playoff run.

My G.I. Joe Movie Review

Ok, I just got through watching G.I. Joe and all I can say is...it was great. I can hear most of you moaning from here, but the fact of the matter is that movie delivered on what it promised- which happened to be one and a half hours of bright shiny objects based on children's action figures.

Look, I know you guys are rolling your eyes an wondering how I can support such childish, mindless drivel, but I don't care. First, I have kids, so it helps to have the right demo with you, and, secondly, while I consider myself a movie junkie I don't consider myself a film snob. [editor's note- I don't think anyone that truly IS a snob considers themselves to be one] G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was good clean mindless fun filled entertainment.

And while we are on the subject of mindless entertainment there are a few other things that I am going to put my full support behind. When it comes to mindlessness.

First up, Reality Shows. I hate Reality Shows on principle. I think that it's a shame more people don't pay attention to quality television. It really says something about our society. Having said that, I have never missed a single episode of Survivor. Deadliest Catch marathon? Joy on a stick. Look, my wife considers Big Fat Loser must see TV and I would be lieing if I told you I never cried while watching The Dancing Show, no NOT the one with the guy from America's Funniest Videos the other one.

Next on the agenda of mindless entertainment, the single self contained hour long drama. The whole reason that CSI and NCIS and Law and Order have 25 spin-offs is because sometimes it's nice to jump in and out of an hour-long series without feeling like you are LOST [editor's note 2.0- When I wrote that pun I cringed]. So for me sitting at the head of the class of effortless television enjoyment is Castle. Castle...you know, Castle? What? Come on you've heard of it...it's a T.V. show... starring Nathan Fillion...Nathan Fill- he's the guy that played Captain Hammer in the Doogie Howser Musical? Anyone? Come on, Fillion should be a major star, Stana Katic [editor's note 3.0- such a cool name and that's her] and the show is fun. Is it inventive? No. It isn't smart or important and there isn't going to be a "Very Special" version of it anytime soon. It is a simple whodunnit that's light, predictable and always fun. I like it. And there should be more of these kind of shows and fewer spin-offs. Remember Snoops, Private Eyes, or the original Cupid (Jeremy Piven before the Entourage gig)? Of course you don't, too bad.

I am also four square behind: 2.5 Men, Big Bang, Planet Earth, Edge NFL Matchup, After the Catch, any Logging Show, Suite Life, Phinneus and Ferb, Leverage, Robin Hood (BBCA), Mythbusters, and Baseball Tonight. Or reruns like Love Boat, Three's Company or the Brady Bunch. And why isn't the Six Million Dollar Man on?

I like John Grisham, Michael Crichton and Dan Brown. Let's face it, Grisham is an egomanical hack, Crichton wanted to be smarter than he was and my fourth grade son figured out all of the clues to Da Vinci Code once I gave him a mirror. Having said that I have read everything that they have written and enjoyed it all.

NASCAR on the figgin' Radio is amazing. The announcers actually speak out of the different speakers in the car...it's like they are running around my car...sort of like LAPS. Mindless and AWESOME!!!

Try to STOP playing that bubble game on your phone or any number of those solitare games on your computer. It's impossible right?

Which brings us back to movies. The list is too long to cover all of the mindless movies that I have enjoyed, so I will stick to genres. As long as it has been cast properly I like Predictable Romantic Comedies, Big Budget Action/Adventure, and Epic Love Stories. I'm not proud of it but the first three movies I can think for each are, in order, 27 Dresses, Legends of the Fall, Far and Away. Liked them all and have seen them each more than once.

So as I was saying, I found G.I. Joe one thousand times more interesting than Transformers and while it wasn't Up or 500 Days of Summer, I would gladly recommend going to see it...as long as you don't mind seeing a movie partially produced by Hasbro.