Come On Guys, It's 54:30 or Fight

What was that? Really benching Brady, Welker AND Moss with over five minutes left. What happened to the the Bill Belichick that condescendingly taught us in 2007 that there is "no such thing as running up the score" because you have to play to win for the full 60 minutes. Was there some little caveat that we didn't read? Perhaps a nuance that we missed during one of his informative press conferences? I mean those things are less animated than the Royal Guard.

Please don't tell me that I would have been giving him a hard time if any one of those guys got hurt. I wouldn't, because I didn't have a problem when Tomlin ran Roethlisberger against the Browns last year in a meaningless game and he got a concussion jeopardizing the Steelers run, to what ended up being a 6th Super Bowl. I didn't complain then so give me a break.

Bottom line, Belicheat QUIT. Period end of discussion and anyone that spins it any other way is full of it. He went for it on 4th and 2 because he would NEVER give up; He plays to win; Nobody takes as many chances as the Little Tuna right? WRONG! Turns out that he isn't a 60 minute man, which might explain the two divorces. It's got to tweak Billy knowing that if the Colts only played hard for 54:30 they would have 4 losses this year.

Man the Patriots look to be in real trouble...oops, wait I forgot, Belichick is a genius.

Things to be Thankful For

This is where I take time to mention how thankful I am for my family, friends and loved ones. Don't get me wrong I am lucky to have a beautiful wife whom I seem to have snowed into thinking I am the love of her life, two amazing kids that bring pleasure to me in new and amazing ways on a daily basis and a list of friends and family that have enriched my life for almost four decades.

But that's not what I am thankful for today. Nope, today I am thankful for the following.

My IPhone. This allows me to look busy when I am bored with a conversation while I look up the latest news about my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Pittsburgh Steelers. How lucky am I to have grown up a Steelers fan? Since I first hopped on the bandwagon, in 1976, the Black and Gold have won more Super Bowls than any other team and have been in the AFC Championship Game every third year. And if you happen to share my love for the Steelers fear not, for the Rocket Rashard and Big Ben will lead them back to the playoffs and they will once again vie for a berth into the Super Bowl.

I'm thankful for GPS. This probably saves me 1000 miles a year. My hands free phone in the car and voice recognition software in my Ford Edge.

Oh this is tedious. Here's the list:

Blu-Ray, Hi-Def, Sirius Satelitte Radio, DVR, IMAX, IPods, Xbox, DirectTV, NFL Network, ESPN Radio, Howard Stern, The Wrap Up Show, You Tube, Wikipedia, The Afternoon Blitz or whatever Tim Ryan And Pat Kirwan call their radio show, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Castle, Rescue Me, Iconoclasts, 30 for 30 except the USFL one, College Gameday, Jim Wexell's Thoughts from a Notebook, College Football, Bill Hillgrove, Tunch Ilkin and Craig Wolfley calling Steelers games, PTI, MLB Playoffs, the Sunday NY Times Crossword, Games Magazine, 500 Days of Summer, Star Trek, The Hangover, the montage from UP, Inglorious Basterds, Phinneus and Ferb, Paul Newman movies, The Beatles, the Sports Reporters except for Lupica, Lost, Mad Men, Battlestar Gallactica, Disney World, Laserquest, Canada, lakes you can drink straight from, wooden canoes, axes, chopping wood, real wood burning fires, Carhart anything, locally made icecream, Kombucha especially grape, cheeseburgers, Pontillos Pizza, bacon, stuffing, chili, Honeycrisp Apples, quiche, Henrietta's meatpies, cold beer, good scotch, Champagne, made up Snow Days, dogs in general, and anything having to do with Santa Claus.

I can do without everything else.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bitter and Ignored

Congratulations to The Hangover guys for being named the GQ Men of the Year. That movie was awesome. Those guys really had a great chemistry from beginning to end and I really enjoy- Whoa, wait second. Where's the other guy? No, I know who Zack Galifianakis is. [editor's note- he hosts the greatest talk show ever. See it here.] I'm talking about the fourth guy, the guy that was getting married. You know, he was the funny sidekick/computer hacker with Nicholas Cage in National Treasur- er, I mean I'm looking up his resume on IMDB.com and...yes, it says here that he was in a movie called National Treasure and, it's follow up, National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. Not that I have seen nor enjoyed the National Treasure series, I'm just reading about it here...on this website...called imdb...it stands for internet movie datab- oh, NEVER MIND!

How much does that have to suck, you get cast in a movie that absolutely hits a nerve with the movie going public and when GQ calls they ask for all of the guys from the movie...except you. That's got to hurt. And I can almost guarantee that he is sitting in a small rented house in Silver Lake stewing over the snub. The only thing that is going to sting more is when they do a sequel and replace him with the smirky guy from The Office.

Another person that is currently working the phones is the Teacher from Glee. I have never seen this movie, oh, it's a television program. Ohhhh, you see I wouldn't know because I have never seen that show, with all of the singing and the dancing. I am usually working out- er, I mean working on my car. Yep, that's what I'm usually doing. Working on the car, looking under the hood, at the, uhh, shocks, struts, whatnot. Because I definitely have NEVER seen Glee....

...Anywho, that Justin Timberlake wannabe has got to be screaming at his agent as we speak because he is getting absolutely no run whatsoever. Meanwhile all of those thirty year olds playing high schoolers are singing at the World Series, making appearances on Late Night Talk Shows, and hawking their Season One: The One with all of the Karaoke hit CD. Five will get you ten that he walks in a contract dispute over the summer.

You know who has every right to be bitter right now, Jenna Elfman. That loon signed up for The L. Ron Hubbard Fan Club thinking that it was her golden ticket into the Hollywood Elite. It had to look like a pretty good idea at the time. It was the late nineties, John Travolta was at the peak of his second wave, Kirstie Alley was still recognizable and on TV, and Sonny Bono was taking down the establishment in DC, and when I say taking down the establishment I mean, of course, that he was passing legislation as a Conservative Republican Senator.

It was a no brainer for Jenna, all she had to do was dedicate herself to finding her inner Thetan and bring along another "successful" actress. Fortunately for Ms. Elfman she had Leah Remini in tow, talk about finding a loop hole in the system. Come on, Leah Remini, what Tootie wasn't available?

Well Scientology isn't what it used to be, it doesn't help to have a figure head like Tom Cruise, he's just creepy. Elfman is married to someone named Bodhi, who isn't a bank-robbing-surfer, and is on the second best Cougar show on TV. And let me tell you, if you are coming in behind Cougar Town, in any kind of ranking system, it's O-V-E-R.

But the person that takes the cake is none other than Ed McMahon. Ed was the good solider on the Tonight Show for thirty years, many of them sober ones. He was constantly the butt of Johnny's jokes, he was moved out of frame once a guest arrived on the couch, he lost all of his money to ex-wives, bad business deals and gas money on the Publisher Clearing House Sweepstakes Prize Patrol and he even had to host a TV Show with Dick Clark. Ed paid his dues, so when he died this summer it was about time for him to get some well deserved recognition, a moment of reverence and finally that syrupy People Cover Story retrospective.

Two days later, Whammo, Farrah Fawcett AND Michael Jackson died on the same. Oh, COME ON! Are you serious? Sorry Ed, but we are going to have to bump you for time.

So here's to the fourth guy from The Hangover, the Teacher from Glee, kooky Scientologist and talentless actress Jenna Elfman, sidekick extrordinaire Ed McMahon and all the other ignored and overlooked. I feel the need to say you will be missed...but we all know that really isn't the case.

A Matrix with Simulation? Count me IN!

"Advanced football matrix and computer simulations, using NFL data, are pretty clear, when you are 4th and 2 on your own 28 up 6, you have a better chance of winning when you go for it."

-Brian Kenny, ESPN SportsCenter, host

WWHHAAAAAAAATTTTT? Really? Unbelieveable.

"Never tell me the odds."

-Han Solo, Kessel Run Champion, smuggler

Ok, I get that Belicheat is smart and, of course, he has the hardware to prove it, but the fact that so many talking heads are lining up behind this decision is mind boggling. I mean even two of his former players, Rodney Harrison and Teddy Bruschi, have come out against the move. Why doesn't anybody

Reporters used Barry Switzer as a pinata when he made a similar call against the Eagles years ago. Chuck Noll, the only head coach in NFL history to win four Super Bowls, was pummeled for doing the same, and he actually apologized to his team for making the decision. Super Bowl winning coaches have made bad calls in the past and been called out by the national media. And rightly so. The decision to go for it, on fourth down, inside your own thirty yardline with two minutes to go, alienates your defense, angers the opposing defense and energizes the other team's offense. There are too many possible negatives that can come from that play to make it a sound football decision.

Punt the ball trust your defense, period. He knew he made a mistake, watch the tape. He also should be getting killed for allowing his team to blow two timeouts in twenty seconds and making it impossible for the Patriots to challenge the ruling on the field. Kevin Faulk, by the way, got the first down, how do I know that you ask? Because he always gets the first down. But the instead of being able to challenge the call, the arrogant Parcells cast-off got what he deserved...the loss.

I wonder what the reaction would have been if the EXACT same thing happened to the Cowboys? You think we would be hearing about computer simulations and NFL paradigms? I'm sure that the same mdeia types would have Wade Phillips' back don't you think?

...Exactly.

Just because he's an Ass, doesn't make him a Liar

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He Madoff With a Lot

For starters, giving your money to a guy named Madoff is just asking for trouble. Is there a more spot-on name? [editor's note- The answer is yes. The doctor where I'm from that used to specialize in Vasectomies was named...wait for it...Dr. Stoppe. Not kidding, and after he retired he passed that mantle to a more caring less old school specialist, Dr. Gentile. It's true you can look it up]

A friend of mine called me up and said that if I was bored watching the Purdue-Michigan State game, like THAT's possible, I should check out the Bernie Madoff Auction. If you are interested you can find it here.

A couple things I'm left with after checking this government run auction out. First, anything that looks like this => can't REALLY be considered a "Gents" watch can it? And what's with that word? Gents. That word can only be used on a bathroom door, and only when it says "Dames" on  the door next to it.

And second, Bernie Madoff needs to be beaten to death with the rest of his watch collection. This guy's collection of chronographs is worth more than Haiti. In fact, there's one that just sold for $20,000. I mean sure it was hand made in Zimbabwe with a Platinum bevel encrusted with Narwal Tusk, 12 princess cut Blood Diamonds and a leather strap made from a baby Albino Seal, with certificate of authenticity. So, of course the value's there, but it just seems excessive.

Everybody can agree that this guy deserves to be locked up for a long long time, but lets not lose sight of the fact that many of the people that are the most outraged are the same people that made up this ponzi scheme. And they wearing making off like bandits. Sure they eventually lost big but nobody was wanting him to go to jail when they were seeing 150% returns.

I guess there really are no free lunches...but some of these watches are a steal.

One Small Step

Ok, so I'll admit it. I feel like a douche.  This whole "Blogging" thing feels like either a huge waste of time or a desperate way for me to bring attention to my favorite topic...ME.  Sooo, why not start a blog right?

Well it seemed like a good idea on paper. First, it saves my wife the embarrassment of watching me go off on a rant directed at a charming old couple sitting on a bench in the mall. Second, it forces me to filter some of my thoughts before I blurt them out. There's a trick I wished I had learned before our last parent-teacher conference. And third...well there isn't a third, because I hate writing, I was never very good with deadlines and I hate the idea of someone, me in this case, feeling that they are SOOOOOOO important that they feel the need to share their thoughts with the masses. I mean, who asked for that!?!

Don't get me wrong, I consider myself to be relatively clever and fairly entertaining, when I'm drinking. But recently a good friend of mine convinced me that I should start one of these things. It probably had more to do with his own personal entertainment, but, well, here I am. Looking like a douche. Which may have been his plan from the start.

So here it goes...

I am fairly proficient when it comes to technology, but there is something about creating a Blog that makes me feel like I need to have an opinion about Avatar, the Hobbit and the casting of Ryan Reynolds as the Green Lantern. (I do by the way- I can't wait for Last of the Mohicans Jim Cameron Style, I couldn't care less about a return to Middle Earth and, Ryan Reynolds is dreamy) But this Blog will be more stream of conscious. As it is in real life, if I have a thought about something happening in Sports, I'll say it, if I feel strongly about who should win the Big Fat Loser show, I'll tell you and if something happens with my kids I will share that as well.

A couple of things that you need to know about me. [editor's note- The idea that anyone NEEDS to know ANYthing about me makes me want to reenact the entire third season of America's Funniest Home Videos with me cast as "Crotch Guy". By the way the third season was during the Saget years before AFV sold-out and brought in Tom Bergeron. He's creepy and has hands that belong on a Keebler Elf. It takes a certain lack of talent to make Saget seem edgy.]

Focus, focus people. But back to ME. A couple of things that you need to know.

First, I hate e-mail. Writing in general annoys me because there is always room for interpretation when it comes to tone. How do you let people know that you are being sarcastic? And don't tell me that you can just put one of those little Emoticons in there. Emoticons? Really? Which brings me to ...

Number 2- I HATE emoticons. I get it, they're helpful...when you are learning how to spell C-A-T. I mean when was the last time you got a big smiley face on your annual report or an office memo? Although, now that I think about it. Think about how quick the board meetings would be. "In the last four quarters we have reported two smiley faces, one disgruntled Charlie Brown looking face and unfortunately a really angry horned red face with smoke coming out of it's ears. Soooo, let's roll up our sleeves and get back to work."

Emoticons are sort of like the disclaimers on the back of cigarette package that say, "Smoking may lead to heart problems, lung disease or two headed babies." Or the coffee cups that say "Contents may be hot." Wait, what? The contents of my cup of Coffee may be hot. So there is only a chance? If that's the case I'm going to the place where the coffee is ALWAYS hot. People that are suprised that it is hot SHOULD be burned.

Emoticons are the dumbing down of our society. At every turn we are given our opinion regarding the story, thought, or deed BEFORE we even know what it is about. I don't need to be told how to feel, when to laugh, cry, be outraged, etc. It's dumb. Pick up the phone or assume that everyone is being sarcastic in all e-mails. This will eliminate a great deal of angst and it will make you laugh.

Bottom line Emoticons SUCK!!! But you can find an easy link to some of my favorites in the tool bar above...

C). Text Messages- You probably can guess my thoughts on Texting, so I won't bore you with my desire to scream anytime I see someone texting at a restaurant...WHILE THEY ARE WITH OTHER PEOPLE! And I am not going to get into the PTSAnablers that give their children unlimited cel phone and texting packages for their Tenth Birthday. And I promise I won't expound on my thoughts regarding text-walking/driving/etc. However, I will give my favorite example of the idiocy regarding texting. The following is an actual text message that I got a week ago:

ne chance u r goin' up early?

I get the u=you and the r=are, I mean that saves you two letters on each of those words, which will allow you almost an extra full second on your life. But the apostrophe after goin? Maybe that one was just a slip. The one that makes me mental is "ne" instead of "any". WHHAAATTT!!!! ne instead of any. Gee I wonder why education in the good old US of A is tanking? Hmmmm, could it be because we are trying to communicate using License Plates? Stop it! Immediately, it's dumb. Although, I do love the new text crosswords puzzles in the USA Today Life Section so maybe I'm the a-hole.

And finally,

IV- Cell Phones. They are great but leave them in the car, don't take the chance that you forgot to turn it off. If you live in NYC and don't drive you get a pass. But if you don't and it goes off during a meeting, movie, restaurant, gym, spa, school, store or park please quietly stop the phone from ringing, raise your hand into the air and yell, at the top of your lungs, "I am far more important than any of you PEOPLE. I am now going to communicate with someone Equally important. Please, stand BACK and don't make eye contact!"

Ok, ok, one more. Facebook. It's annoying. I know, I know, but Trip, that's how you got in touch with me to begin with. I get it, Facebook is a great tool for getting back in touch with people you have...a...lost touch with and it works really well when you feel the need to pass around a really interesting new blog that you have found written by someone that you haven't seen or heard from in fifteen years. But the problem with it is you are forced back into a relationship with someone that you were doing just fine without. 


For example, I have had a great relationship with Andy Onderdonk over the past fifteen years. He doesn't call, write or speak to me and I don't beat him to death with a tire iron. It's perfect really, everybody's happy. But  now with Facebook he, not only contacts me, but now he wants to be my friend. Really? I know, I know, you can always ignore him. I guess that's true, but wasn't I JUST DOING THAT? Can you imagine if people greeted one another like that on the street. It's insane. I mean really.

And further more- wait a second, yeah, that's mine. Sorry, I have to take this. Hello...Wait, what? Oh, you've got to be kidding? Why would my wife think you were joking? Did you try using one of those emoticons? Well you should have. I'll IM you later. OMFG, I gotta go, my wife found out some girl I haven't seen in fifteen years just "poked" me on Facebook. 

Technology sucks!

Wait, What You Mean It Isn't Real?

So let me get this straight Britney Spears, up until this past weekend, had fooled an entire country into believing she was actually singing. Look, I love Australia as much as the next guy, but this is the most damning news regarding a country's stupidity this side of Jerry Lewis and the French.

I mean even the Germans know that Hasselhoff can't act. And while Don Cherry may be one of the most annoying people ever you can't argue with two decades worth of ratings for Hockey Night in Canada and he usually wears something interesting.

The thing that is even more mind blowing to me than the Aussies collective head in the sand regarding the Ms. Spears, is the fact that she has had the success she's had. I get the whole creepy-pigtailed-high school-hussie-success of her first album, but she has absolutely no discernable talent. I mean, she can remember a few dance moves, but she can't sing and she doesn't write or produce any of her music, so what exactly does she bring to the table? Tabloids, Paparazzi, drugs, custody battles, a dearth in panty sales, crazy behavior, lunacy, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria. I mean couldn't the same producers, with the same songs, pluck some girl from Kansas and come up with better results? Sure, but she wouldn't have that crazy head shaving stuff and THAT stuff is what makes he successful.

Of course this is me getting ready to bang my shoe on my desk in an effort to rally the troops the insist that we stand up for something more, something better. Something with heart, something with soul. Let's celebrate depth of character. Hasn't Obama showed us that intelligence is the new cool? Let's rise up and say NO to TMZ and let's tell Perez Hilton that we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore. Starting tonight we should all boycott the human train wreck that is Britney Spears and protect our young impressionable children from this depravity. Blah, blah, morals. Yada Yada, ethics. Murmur murmur Glory Days. Is Pollyanna a good color on me? I can never tell. Now who's with meeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh?

I'm going to go the other way on this one. I say lets boost her up again. Who cares that she is a talentless harlot. Let's start going back to her concerts, let's buy her albums exclusively at Walmart, and for God's sake lets make sure to buy her new line of delicates, the Empress' New Clothz, they make a great stocking stuffer.

We need Brit-Brit at the head of the class again because then and only then will we get to watch her come crumbling down. And that's just fun for everyone. Just think of it Circus sweeps the VMA's next year, she starts dating Shia LeBouf, the two remake the Bodyguard, only this time it's more synthesized. Disney hires that guy from District 9, Neil Blumpkin I think his name is, to do a remake of Mary Poppins with Ms. Spears and, Whammo, she has the world on a string.

And right when she is poised to take her place on the Mt. Rushmore of Pop, next two pillars Madonna, Elvis and Michael Jackson, with a special two-hour one-on-one interview with Katie Couric, just when it looks like she has really gotten it together, she will have another meltdown.

It'll probably include fake accents, weeklong binges, Parkour with the kids on the 23rd Floor of the Bellaggio, a shaved head or two, she might wake up in a wood pile somewhere, maybe she'll make her skin look like this =>

Perhaps she will let out that lost little boy that's been buried under layers of self-loathing and bubblegum and decide to become Brett Spears. Or, if we're lucky, she'll make the ultimate sacrifice for us voyeurs and start dating Anne Heche.

Go, Go, Godzilla

There is a major difference between Hideki Matsui and Alex Rodriguez can you spot it?

Are you having trouble? Let me give you a few clues.

It has to do with notoriety. No I'm not talking about the kind you get from late night trysts with Strippers that are used to getting paid in Loonys, while listening to Rush with the faint smell of two day old back bacon hanging in the air. In fact, I'm not even talking about the publicity you get from a messy divorce or the subsequent publicity bump you get from dating the daughter of a talented actress.

All of those things do bring notoriety, but ARod isn't the only person to get some notoriety for his extracurricular activities. Have you forgotten all the press Matsui got when he showed everybody a picture of his wife. It was the first time anyone had ever seen a picture of his wife...and he drew it. What? No I'm not joking the only picture of Matsui's special lady was sketched by MATSUI! No Paparazzi Photos, no full page spreads in Maxim, not even a side bar shot in Red Book. One sketch drawn by Hideki, that's it. And anyway that's not even the notoriety I'm talking about.

How can I give you a hint that will- Ahh, I've got it. Only one of them will will be credited and remembered for their dedication to their team and the sacrifices made in an effort to bring pride and honor to his hometown.

No, not Matsui's decision to represent his homeland of Japan in the World Baseball Classic. I mean I know that Matsui insisted on playing in the first WBC despite being injured. Sure he felt representing the country where he was born and raised, where he learned how to play the game that he still loves, was more important than being healthy for the million dollar incentives available to him with the Yankees.

No point in bringing that up because ARod basically did the same thing. Because when you think about it ARod was super generous when he played for the Dominican Republic, a team he coincidentally thought had the best chance of winning, despite having never VISITED the place. It's sort of the same thing, right.

No it's neither of those things. Let's see how shall I ease into this?

Ok maybe my clues are too vague. The major difference between ARod and Godzilla has to do with the respect. I know what you're thinking, but no I'm not talking about respect for the game. Although sure Matsui plays the game hard, congratulates his teammates, works the count to tire the pitcher, goes the other way to advance the runner and travels with the rest of the guys.

I'm not saying that ARod is out for himself and doesn't have the same respect for the game, but only one of those guys has been known to yell at opposing players during a routine pop-up, attempt to slap a ball out of the first basemen's glove following a weak ground out with runners in scoring position and, if you watched the game last night, only one of them faked being hit by a pitch on ball four just so he could look like a scrappy ball player. Pathetic.

No, I'm talking about being recognized for excellence on the biggest stage. Only one of these two men can call themselves World Series MVP.

Congrats Hideki Matsui for being named the 2009 World Series MVP. Now get outta here, buy some champagne and draw your wife...a bath.

Look It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Madonna

Thank God Madge is around to tell us what we're doing wrong. Here's the thing Madonna needs to shut up. I really don't need to hear from Ms. Ciccone-Penn-Ritchie about morals, ethics, values, or principles. But to make matters worse today we also got to be scolded by Ethan Hawke, that bastion of virtue, as well.

I guess somebody needed to say something about the mistreatment of the Gypsies, who have been persecuted by the masses ever since Ian Fleming made them the focus of a storyline involving a British Spy and the Orient Express.

There is really nothing I enjoy more than hearing from the Material Girl. I mean she spends more than most countries annually trying to keep herself looking fit and fabulous. And for the record there is NO ONE on the planet that looks more tired. I think Desmond Tutu said it best when he said that she looks like she's been ridden hard and hung up wet. It might not have been Desmond but it was someone really impressive...I think. At any rate, at least she's still wearing creepy lingerie from the touring company of Cabaret.

However when it comes to matters of import, she is THE resource. Afterall she knows what it's like to be treated poorly, and she understands the nuances involved in ethnic rivalries and civil war. And there is nothing more impressive than hearing about those subtleties through an electronic vocal enhancer. Do YOU believe in Life after Love?

And let's hear it for Ethan Hawke. I mean talk about courage. This guy really has laid it on the line by supporting Madonna in her effort to rid the world of the bigotry involving the Gypsy community. Hawke knows a little something about the generalities associated with the Gypsies, afterall he has spent the majority of his adult life living down the very idea that he didn't shower because he was a slacker. Everybody knows that Mr. Hawke doesn't have the time to shower with all of the poetry, playwriting, angst riding, nanny banging, earnestness already on his plate.

So let me be the first to say thank you. Thank You Madonna for showing me that there is more to life than television, but it is important to own one for every room in your house. And thank you Ethan Hawke. Now I realize how pointless my life is because I don't understand what truly matters in life...the ability to go clubbing in New York with Jude Law and a truck full of college girls, bonus points if one of them is your nanny.

We are so lucky to have these philanthropists among us, I just wish I had them here with me to explain all of it to me everyday. It's my wish that everybody on the planet one day have the ability to hear Madonna's teachings and that, if she can find the time, she expand her view to include another downtrodden group to her fold. A people in need of a voice...the Amish.