Rock Out with Your Glock Out- My Review...without actually seeing the movie

This movie is a complete piece of deuce, I guarantee it. I am so confident that this movie sucks, that I am willing to watch every single episode of Jenna Elfman's show Scientology On Purpose, on a continuous loop, if I'm wrong. 

It's too bad too because I've been a fan of Bruce Willis since Moonlighting. But let's be honest, this movie is just an amateurish knock-off of Lethal Weapon with Tracy Morgan playing the Genie. You get a quick glimpse of Tracy Morgan's comic gold in some of the recent TV spots. "Scaw-Face." Funny, funny stuff.

I mean nothing is more annoying than watching an actor do bad impressions in a movie. Robin Williams seemed inventive in Aladdin, but that was a cartoon...and Genie's aren't real. Actors doing schtick is so cringe worthy that it makes those pre-school beauty pageants seem tolerable. If you need examples of "schtick" please rent the Robin Williams/Billy Crystal Criterion Collection Double Pack, available at Walmart. 

We all know that there are three major problems with this movie. 

Problem #1. Bruce Willis is desperately trying to stay relevant. This is a two pronged problem. First he wants to stay relevant with his audience. He had a knack for picking cool interesting material (12 Monkeys, Fifth Element, Pulp Fiction, Nobody's Fool) in the early 90's but he seems to have morphed into that old guy that wears hip/trendy close longer than he should. The only good news here is that he still looks like Bruce Willis. Meg Ryan had the same problem but ended up looking like this. She looks like Ally McBeal right? I KNOW!!! By the way the Mickey Rourke thing was too easy...and creepy.

And PRONG TWO. He's trying to stay relevant with his family. I mean marrying someone the same age as your kids only works for the mom. Bruce should try to avoid keeping up with Ashton. I'm not sure how it got there but THAT kid has a really big horseshoe in his rectum. There is just no other explanation for his popularity. He puts out more $#!+ than American Idol.  

Problem #2. BAD DIRECTING. Don't get me wrong I actually really like Kevin Smith. I find his success heartening. He has a loyal fanbase, mostly because he is loyal to them. He makes himself available, signs autographs and normally buys a second seat on airplanes. 

By the way, I happen to think that his writing is interesting. The problem with Kevin has ALWAYS been that he isn't a good director, doesn't have a good eye and edits poorly. It's funny, because he agrees. Or at least he has said as much in his stand-up ranting, interviews, Smodcasts, tweets, and in his own writing. 

I don't begrudge the man, and I actually think that it was rather brave for him to take a chance on directing a  Studio Comedy but it's time to move on now. Stick with the writing and producing. He should spend some time finding someone that can translate his stuff to the screen because I think that it could work with the right touch.

Problem #3. Tracy Morgan. This guy IS funny. Listen to him on Howard Stern and I defy you to stop before the end of the interview. You will literally sit in your car outside a potential listing laughing your ass off, as you get later and later for your appointment. Or something like that. 

He is also one of the most consistently funny things about 30 Rock, where he plays Tracy JORDan. Totally different person. He can't be an easy person to write for but someone will find a way to utilize him in a movie down the road, which will cause him to fall back off the wagon but that's a different story for a different time. If there is one positive about this movie its that anyone that watches it will have a new found respect for Tina Fey. 

Three strikes and you're out, or should I say, you're COP OUT. Get it? Bottom line, this movie isn't going to be any good and you know it. Rent and Evening with Kevin Smith, watch Tracy Morgan do his stand-up and follow Ashton Kutcher on Twitter.

One of the spoils of winning a medal in the Olympics is that bronze, silver and gold make you measurably better looking.

Scotty Lago did, with his newly earned Bronze Medal, what every right minded twenty year old would...he used it to meet girls. Unfortunately in this age of instant filterless media the United States Olympic Snowboarding "Powers-that-be" decided to send him home for acting in a manner outside the pillars of the Olympic Code of Conduct.

That's insane. I mean isn't that why you learn to snowboard in the first place, to impress girls? Well, that and you can get really good, um, "green products" made from hemp. There's a reason that they give out more condoms during the Olympics than at any single event during the year...that includes Mardi Gras by the way. You can look it up. 

The fact is the pictures were less then appropriate. Using your bronze medal to lure some unsuspecting co-ed into your demilitarized zone is cheesy and disrespectful. Although...were those pictures really any less appropriate than, oh I don't know, say the Russia Pair that danced their way to a Bronze thanks to their spot-on portrayal of African Tribesmen from a Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan movie? Maybe Tanith Belbin would've medaled had she stuck with her Homage to Al Jolson concept.

But was anyone REALLY hurt by the photos? No. Would you think less of the girl in the photo if you knew her? And if you were standing next to her, when you were in college wouldn't you be laughing right along with everyone else? It's harmless.

Look I don't have a problem with the Olympic Committee holding its athletes accountable for their actions but it is difficult to take them seriously when the line between right and wrong is such a moving target. They will absolutely not stand for suggestive pictures of girls biting medals...but NBC can do a full segment on Gretchen Bleiler's Maxim layout.  Give me a break.

Just so we're clear, Scotty Lago is guilty of only one thing...being a 22 year old male.

Here it is. The Tiger Apology. I actually thought that, while some what robotic, he actually came across as contrite and believable.  I especially liked that he had looked at himself and saw flaws that he had previously ignored (ie. Golf Etiquette) This whole thing is a win-win for all of us. Will he regain his spot as the best golfer in the world? Will he become a better role model for kids? Will Elin stay with him past the two-year money back guarantee? Will he have Rabbit Ears on the course? Will the galleries be for or against him on Sunday at a Major? Will  he continue to be the yard stick that AT&T uses for texting packages?

I don't know the answer to any of these...but it will be entertaining. It's okay to admit it.

Pound of Flesh? Yes Man!

Tiger is making a huge mistake. The reason this story is as big as it is is because of Eldrich's need to be treated differently than everyone else. He should get out there in front of a microphone, apologize and then take any questions, comments or thoughts from anyone interested in giving them. But it ain't gonna happen because he's different then we are and THAT's his fatal flaw.

Whether its on the golf course, in front of the media or behind the door of your local Champagne Room, the Cheetah wants special treatment. He is even getting special treatment during his treatment for, um, "sex addiction." Bottom line he thinks of himself as better than the rest of us. And by the rest of us I'm talking about you Kobe Bryant, Ray Lewis, Mark McGwire, Chris Brown, Whitney Houston, Alex Rodriquez, Bill Clinton et al. Tiger refuses to be human, even while he stands in front of a pile of cocaine in a maelstrom of machine gun fire. You see I'm alluding to Scarface...with Al Pacino...come on he refuses to admit that its over despite the odds. Ok, fine. It was weak, I'll admit it.

Unless you have been living under a rock, or have some modicum of a life outside of the Voyeur Olympics that passes for news these days, you know that the Cheetah is planning on holding press conference today at 11am. The word is that Tiger, with his usual ego-maniacal controlling panache, will allow a few members of the media along with a single pool camera to document this historic mea culpa for posterity.

Apparently Tiger plans to apologize for his behavior. It doesn't say here what behavior specifically, but it probably has to do with all of the temper tantrums, swearing, and bullying that have become synonymous with the greatest golfer in the world. Or maybe he's going to apologize for the hair plugs. No, wait Tiger is probably going to apologize for his rabbit ears on the golf course. You know, like when he shanks the ball off the tee and blames some 58 year old man for taking his picture. I mean how is he supposed to hit that little white ball with all that infernal clicking in the background?

Anyway, I'm not sure what it is El Tigre is going to apologize for, but I know that there won't be any questions, interviews or answers. And I don't think you will be allowed to look him directly in the eye. That goes double for you at home.

His super agent, and lead sycophant, Mark Steinberg described the infomercial selling Tiger's humanity thusly, "Tiger will assemble a small group of friends, colleagues and close associates to listen to what Woods has to say." Sort of like being granted a sitting with the Dalai Lama, I would image...well, if the Dalai Lama were a really creepy infantile prima donna with daddy issues.

Team Tiger is missing a golden opportunity here. Let's face it Tiger is currently surrounded by enough Yes Men to make Eddie Murphy jealous. Nobody in his "inner circle" has the Titleists to tell Tiger the truth. At every step of the way these guys have acted more like henchmen and less like trusted friends. We've all done stupid stuff, but a real friend makes sure that you don't "try to steal the cop car." He doesn't appear to have anyone in his camp that will tell him no. And it's THAT kind of behavior that gave us Norbit and She Wants To Party All The Time. 


If you believe the reports, and you have to if you believe he has been with more women than Jack Bauer has hours, he is currently distancing himself from the Roundabout Boys, saying that his association with these guys is partially responsible for his actions. Wait, what? Oh, I bet you have a problem with the validity in the reporting regarding the special treatment he's receiving at the hormonal adjustment facility he's been getting. Or the idea that he's paying off many of these, um, ladies. You can't have a problem believing any of the stories, even the one about Kate Hudson carrying his baby. Why? Because it all comes from the same sources that gave us the names on his bedpost. But I digress.

Look, I don't know whether Tiger was led the charge, passively supported or was forced into the 50 odd trysts over the better part of a decade, I just know that he was there. And I know that if you are the man you claim to be you need to stand up and take it on the chin. He owes his sponsors an apology and the children that have looked up to him. If Elin stays with Tiger I'm over feeling sorry for her, because now it's by choice.

I'd love to pretend that I'm a bigger person than this whole Tiger Woods story, but I still remember where I was when O.J. was getting chased, trying on the gloves and being acquitted of any wrong doing. So I guess I'll just hope that it's entertaining.

Judges Don't Need To Be Impartial...Just Famous

As I was taking in some of the Winter Olympics this weekend I couldn't help but feel that TV was missing something. All of this good natured competition in the name of country and consumerism is all well and good but can we really learn anything from it? If only there were a venue for really smart people, like celebrities, to impart their wisdom on the rest of us simple folk.


With that as a given, I was pleased to see commercial for a new television show called The Marriage Ref. It looks veeeerry promising. Apparently Jerry Seinfeld's latest foray into network television calls on noted relationship experts Alec Baldwin, Jerry Seinfeld, Matthew Jessica Parker and, fingers crossed, even Madonna to tell couples from middle America what's wrong with our relationships and hopefully their politics.  And while it may seem as though these millionaires are unfairly ridiculing the 15-minutes-of-fame junkies, remember that they do let them eat cake after the taping.

Thank goodness people like Ireland's Father and Sara Jessica's Bearderick have the courage to step to the fore and lecture- er, teach us the finer points and basic practices of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I can't wait for the Olympics to be over with so that we can start enjoying The Marriage Ref, a television show that teaches while it entertains.


I will reserve total judgement until after I get to see the first full episode but with NBC behind it, it has GOT to be a winner. As much as it pains me to say it, something tells me we will definitely learn something that none of us ever wanted to admit from this show...that Larry David was solely responsible for the success of Seinfeld.

I Love the Olympics...As Long As It Doesn't Interfere With My Shows

So, the Winter Olympics are finally here. I know, I know you have been counting the days since the closing ceremonies of the 2006 Winter Games in, um...uh...don't tell me...Where were the last Winter Olympics held? Wait a second, I know this one. Let's see the 2002 Olympics were the dry ones, that had all of the extra wives running around? So that means they were in Utah. And the International Olympic Committee has that long standing policy that the Olympics must be held within a six hour flight of the Nike Corporate Headquarters, so they weren't in Berlin. And I'm pretty sure that they weren't held in Leningrad...m-o-s-t-l-y because they call it St. Petersburg now...it's ICELAND...the 2006 Winter Olympics were in Reykjavik, Iceland. I knew it. [editor's note- A quick shout out to my wonderful fact checkers, Brooks, Chris, Dave and Craig, The above referenced Winter Olympiad ACTUALLY took place in Turin, Italy, much of what I say, believe it or not is, what's the word for it? Hooey. But that's part of my charm.]

I love the Olympics...well at least I used to. I mean, I really WANT to like the Olympics. Ok, here's the problem my HD-DVR only tapes two shows at a time, which means I've got some decisions to make because I am not going to miss my shows. 

Opening Ceremonies are tonight and I LOVE the pageantry and hoopla surrounding the Opening Ceremonies. [editor's note2.0- Sorry about using Hoopla. I couldn't think of a better word than Hoopla. AND my brian is working properly, too much drinking I think...don't worry though, I'm going to fire him. Did you see what I did there?]

The Ceremonies are great you get a full night of Bob Costas. And it's Bob Costas trying to fill, which means he'll be spending three hours proving to all of us that he is, not only the best Studio Host in the history of the medium, but that he could've been equally proficient as a stand-up comic. He's assuming, of course, that he could find a microphone stand short enough for him.

So I'll watch the Opening Ceremonies, oh, and it says here that there will be Ski Jumping. Sweet, nothing better than a little "Agony of defeat." Lock it in.

Let's see Saturday's a no brainer. Alpine and Freestyle Skiing, count me in. There's nothing good on TV on Saturday night. What ever happened to Love Boat and Fantasy Island? Sad. I always liked the one where they were in love and then out of love and then back in love again...with Charo.

Ok, here we go, conflict time. Sunday night the Olympics are up against The Simpsons and Family Guy. Sooo as long as there isn't another- yeah we're clear. Sunday's a go. 

Monday I have to tape my favorite show on TV at 8PM. It's called Business Model. Happen's to be about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue this week. Gosh, do I have to get into this again. Ok, Ok, geesh... but if you are interested in my personal feelings on the matter check Here. Here. Here. and Here. There are some potential conflicts with the CBS sitcoms How I Met Dr. Horrible, Two and a Half Wife Beaters and The Big Bang Theory. I will not mention Jenna Elfman's Scientology On Purpose because it's unwatchable. I don't watch Charlie Sheen anymore and the other two are repeats, so it looks like th Olympics win again.

Tuesday is completely up to my wife and kids. LOST is currently sitting in the #1 priority taping spot and that's not coming down anytime soon and they insist on watching the Karaoke Show on Fox. That's not going to change...let me know how the Skating and Snowboarding turns out.

Wednesday. Human Target and Karaoke...oh, geez, I'm out again. I had NO idea THAT was playing on HBO. Sorry, I'm contractually obligated to watch a little film I like to call, HACKERS. Heard of it? Oh, come ON! You know, Hackers. Boot Up OR Shut Up? No! Directed by Iain Softley...with Fisher Stevens, Johnnie Lee Miller, the irascible Matthew Lillard and of course the young and incredibly newbile Angie Jolie...Nothing? Oh, COME on! It had one of the great "Assistant to the Producers" ever. Well anyway, I'm watching it and you can pick up your very own copy of the film here. 

I can't believe you people have never heard of Hackers. I suppose you're going to tell me that you think that The Puppet Masters was a slasher movie about marionettes? WHAT? OH, GIVE ME A BREAK. TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]

I'm..uh...sorry about that. I didn't know that I had so much anger- Well let's just move on.

Thursday night is definitely out. I have never missed an episode of Survivor, Grey's Anatomy is a must and The Office and 30 Rock are... on NBC so yes, yes. I can watch the Olympics on Thursday. Although, don't tell anyone but I kinda like the Vampire Diaries. What? No I don't. You said that. I'm watching Hockey.

Which brings us back to Friday Night. So I guess the bottom line is, I'll take in a few events but it isn't the can't miss spectacle it used to be. But then again none of us are.

Gone are the days that the world came together in the spirit of sportsmanship and xenophobia.  NBC has made the event so hard to follow that most other news outlets seldom give the Olympics more than five minutes of coverage. SportsCenter, for example, will spend more time on Major League Baseball then on the medal count. I guess we shouldn't be surprised considering the fact that NBC is ultimately responsible for Jay Leno.

What the Olympics needs is some good old fashioned fear mongering and nationalism. There aren't any "Bad Guys" in the Olympics. No roided up East German She-Males. Nobody Boycotts. Not a lead pipe to be found. Where are those no good, shoe banging  Commie bastards when you need them.

So until we get a good old fashioned Cold War going again, I'm watching Mythbusters.

SI Cover HiJinks

I saw -er, I mean, heard. Heard that David Letterman unveiled the latest cover of the Sport Illustrated, Swimsuit Edition the other night on his show. The above photo of Brooklyn Decker was chosen to be the 47th cover of the always controversial issue spotlighting bikinis as they relate to sports.

As the preeminent leader in sports journalism, Sports Illustrated decided almost 50 years ago to sully their good name by dedicating one issue a year to the adoration of the flesh. The Swimsuit Issue. It's pathetic really. I mean, Ms. Decker is barely wearing a swimsuit. Maybe she is putting one on but...AND exactly what does this picture or her swimsuit have to do with sports? Why put her on the cover? If it's the "swimsuit" issue shouldn't the cover have someone on it that can swim? Like Australia's Lisbeth Trickett. Some think that she is the female Michael Phelps. There, uh, she is to the right.

I find this whole "Swimsuit Issue" thing deplorable and a real indication of the depths of depravity that our society is so eager and willing to go to in the name of capitalism.

I'm not sure why, but I felt myself unable to concentrate at work, I became consumed by this fascination with the Swimsuit Issue. It seems to me that women don't normally make it on the cover of Sports Illustrated unless they are in this issue.  Well it turns out I'm not alone in my disgust. I stumbled across this recent editorial here . I'm not sure who this person is but she makes some interesting points and I know that Christine Brennan would agree, don't you think?

You see I'm not the only one feeling that SI has lost its way. Many have taken to waving the flag of injustice when it comes to women gracing the cover of the nations leading sports publication. And we aren't going to rest until we start seeing some changes. Frankly, many of us are tired of the hypocrisy and the unrealistic expectations propagated by those smutty covers. LIKE THIS ONE OVER HERE!

Some top people that count these kinds of things have said that there are an inordinate amount of men that make it on the cover of SI. And to make matters worse, that on the rare occasion that a woman actually does make it to the cover, God for bid, they are often seen in a less athletic and authentic poses than their male counter parts.

I'm not sure if I agree with those claims, so why don't I let you be the judge.

Here are the last three, non bikini-clad, women to make it to the cover of Sports Illustrated. From left to right, Alpine Skier Lindsay Vonn (February, 2010), Softball sensation, Jenny Finch (July, 2005) and Equal Rights Activist/Tennis legend, Billie Jean King (July, 1973)

So it's not like women never make the cover. But are they being objectified? I'm not sure. Lindsay regularly skis in full make-up and without a helmet. It's probably coincidental that Bill Murray is pointing at Jenny Finch's, um, tail feathers. And as far as that cover goes, at least she's holding...wait a second is she holding a wiffle ball and wiffle bat? That's strange. Well anyway, wiffleball/softball, tomato/tomAHto. And of course Billie is gliding across the neatly trimmed carpet at Wimbledon. See, completely harmless.

Ok, so maybe SI is being wrongly accused of objectifying female athletes, mostly because they aren't SUB-jectified enough in the magazine to be OB-jectified. But that still doesn't explain the gutter mindedness of SI's marketing strategy.

You know what, let's stop pussyfooting around the issue. Let's ask the man in charge of Sports Illustrated. Let's asked the one person who is ultimately responsible for making these magazines (like the one I included on the right) available to the public. Editor-in-Chief, John Huey needs to answer a few questions for his actions. It's about accountability people.

JUDY! Get me John Huey on the horn... No, the horn. The Phone. Could you call John Huey for me, please. No, I know Tom Dewey is dead. I'm looking for the Editor-in- nevermind, I'll do it. 

Can't people see I'm trying to Blog here...Geez, I mean swimsuit models aren't coming off the covers on their ow-

Hello, John Huey please...Trip Pierson...me? Oh, I'm a...um...I'm, uh...a writer. Yeah and I have a few questi- No a writer. What do you mean For who? Don't you mean "For WHOM?" Haha, I thought so...ahuh....I see...yes ma'am...very well. click

Look, it's not important to get a statement from a blowhard like John Huey, anyway. I mean he's totally going to defend these actions. No matter who gets hurt. The editors of Sports Illustrated are clearly trying to tell us that covers like this one on the right of Cheryl Tiegs helps to sell magazines. Oh, suuuuuure. Of course thats exactly what those pencil pushing number crunchers at Sports Illustrated want us to think. Ha, I'd like to see them prove that one! Who would buy a sports magazine without any sports in it? Morons. Cancun my foot.

I, for one think it's shameful, that a wholesome American magazine that deals with real issues in sports like dog fighting, cocaine abuse, guns in the locker room and domestic violence would feel the need to stoop to such sleezy depths.

Anything for the all mighty dollar, eh? Maybe that explains this previous SI Cover filth featuring Elle MacPherson. She doesn't even have any goggles. Shame on you. I hope you sleeeep well, Sports Illustrated. I hope you sleep well.

It's embarrassing and gratuitous. Especially in this day and age of enlightenment. Sports is often seen as a microcosm of our society and today women are beating men when provided an even playing field. Why not celebrate those accomplishments.

Abby Sunderland is half way to becoming the youngest person to circumnavigate the globe, Ashley Force Hood is coming off her best year yet, finishing second in the overall for Funny Car Driver of the year, the UConn Huskies are in the midst of the second greatest winning streak in the history of Basketball, the aforementioned Lindsay Vonn is set to become the most decorated American skier in Olympic history, Serena Williams is carving out one of the greatest career's in the history of tennis and Kelly Kulick just became the first woman to win a PBA Event.

But do we hear about any of that? No. Apparently SI thinks we're too stupid to see through their little advertising ploy. They don't respect us, or women in general (take a look at the cover to the right. That's Tyra Banks BEFORE her television show...do you see the difference?). The people at SI don't think that we can handle an in-depth look the inconsistencies that are inherent with say the NCAA taking advantage of college athletes for profits in mutli-million dollar video gaming world. Or that that same organization looks the other way when crooked coaches skirt and bend the rules to meet their personal needs. No we can't handle true investigative journalism, story telling or depth we are always wowed by the bright shiny object. They think of us as lemmings blindly marching to the cliff. Well not me, not on my watch.

And speaking of seeing through things. What's with all of the body painting. Didn't Sports Illustrated figure out that we, the consumer, find body paint kind of creepy? I mean Goldfinger killed people with that stuff. And believe me, nobody's going to be interested in seeing a bunch of models running around with their skin painted. What do they think we're thirteen? I mean who's going to spend their hard earned money trying to catch a glimpse of a painted naked woman?

I want to also take this time to thank the thousands of you that write, call, e-mail and text. You all always seem to ask the same question over and over again. "Trip, how do you do it? How do you keep your moral compass pointing North?"

Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. It's not easy. I get up every day and make sure, and I mean one hundred percent sure, that I don't, under any circumstances subject myself or my family to covers like this one on the right. I think she's the one that was married to the guy from Full House.

So I will fight against those who pray upon the weak. And I will pledge o you that this blog will stay dedicated to fighting for those who can't see right from wrong. I will make sure to tell you when you are doing something wrong. And I will share with you the many ways I am a better person than you will ever be capable of becoming. THIS is my cross to bare.

I can be your conscience, your guide, your guardian angel. And I have provided below an introductory cheat sheet of just a few of the people you should avoid.

Peyton's Place

Peyton Manning is perfect, a genius really, he is the embodiment of flawless precision at the Quarterback position. The way he changes play calls at the line appears seamless in its brilliance yet effortless in its effectiveness. Let's face it Peyton's understanding of defenses makes Bobby Fisher's understanding of a chessboard seem pedantic. I'm not even sure what pedantic means, but I know that Peyton's sweat contains the cure for the irrigation problem in Ethiopia. 

One of my favorite things about Peyton's flawlessness if- wait WHAT? What do you mean they lost? But that's impossible. Weren't we just discussing whether or not Peyton ranks higher than Joe Montana and Tom Brady? 

Brees and the Saints played to win from the drop and never took their collective foot off of the gas. It wasn't flawless (Bucs loss) but the right team won the 44th Super Bowl.

Look, Peyton is one of the all-time great quarterbacks. No argument, but he isn't in the top five all-time. Until further notice he ranks just ahead of the Dans, Marino and Fouts. That's it, no higher than that. Congrats on the stats, but they don't mean di(& unless you win. In fact if Drew Brees continues winning championships Peyton is going to slide DOWN the list.

The Colts got cute late in the season by easing off of the gas. Sure they beat the Ravens and the Jets but lets remember that the Ravens were playing with thteir fourth and fifth cornerbacks because of injuries and everybody considered the Jets the second coming despite the fact that they needed both the Colts AND the Bengals to mail it in in order to even make it into the playoffs. 

Mean while the Saints were forced to beat two of the best five offenses in the league in order to MAKE the Super Bowl. The paths were different and the Saints were forced to play with the pedal down the whole way. 

The Colts played "well enough," to make it to the Super Bowl. That's great and all unless the other team doesn't roll over. Teams that win championships play with the killer instinct from week one until they hoist the Lombardi Trophy and the Colts didn't do that. 

It's just the way that it works. YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME. Maybe Peyton and the boys would've had a different outcome tonight if they had taken that motto to heart.

"Bullet" Bill Dudley

It's a sad day for the Black and Gold. Yes, Steeler Nation lost a legend when "Bullet" Bill Dudley died in Virginia, he was 88 years old. 

For those of you that don't remember the Bullet, but in the interest of edification I will tell you that in 1946 he became the last player in NFL history to lead the league in Rushing Yards, Punt Return Yards and Interceptions.  He led the league in nine other categories that year and became the first Steeler to win League MVP. 

Mr. Dudley was always available to the fans and the media and loved to tell stories of the ineptitude of the lovable losers from the 'Burgh. He only played on one winning team during his tenure with the Steelers, often blamed Head Coach  Jock Sutherland for the team's failures and was eventually traded to Detroit for noted drunk, and better story teller, Bobby Layne. He was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1966.

Rest in Peace Bullet

King of the World

The Avatar haters are out en masse with the announcement that the ThunderSmurfs have over taken Titanic as the highest grossing movie of all-time.

Everybody complains about the writing, that the story is overly simplistic, that its just an overblown 3-D version of Pocahontas with less singing and that it is the ultimate example of our society's bright shiny object problem. Have you seen the new IPad? Puh-Rit-Teeeeee.

Not me, I love the movie and I don't care who knows. Simple stories are the best stories. It's why Star Wars was great and the Phantom Menace sucked. [editor's note- the first Star Wars movie was called STAR WARS, not A New Hope. Nobody went to the theater in 1977 to see A New Hope. Even the title was simple. Its a war...in the stars...you know Star Wars. Anyone that refers to the first Star Wars movie as A New Hope should be punched in the groin or at least made to watch Howard the Duck.]

I can deal with all of the snooty pseudo-critics complaining about Jim Cameron's middling story-telling abilities. The reason I can deal with it is three-fold. First, I'm not Jim Cameron. Second, nobody has ever written stronger roles for women in big budget Action movies. In fact nobody has ever written for a woman in a big budget action movie. Third, he must be doing something right considering people have shelled out 4 BILLION dollars to see his last two movies in the theaters. Oh, wait, I have a bonus reason. How can you question an artist's ability, creativity and talent that was responsible for THIS- (by the way you will notice a few famous faces in this video and the music is tight. Yes, that's Chet on the motorcycle and Helen Hunt's wife is selling hair product. But the most interesting cameo is that of Academy Award Nominated Director, Kathryn Bigelow, leading the all-female Posse...she's terrific and there's not a dry eye in the place) ENJOY>

But you know what really irritates me? Some critics are placing an asterisk next to Avatar saying that the numbers need to be adjusted for inflation. You see the adjusted for inflation the all-time leader, domestically, is Gone With The Wind and most critics hold that movie so dearly you'd think it was stuffed. The Civil War Epic was released in 1939. That's 1939. Apparently they don't make an adjustment for LACK OF COMPETITON. Yep, American's pulled themselves away from FDR's Fireside Chats long enough to take in a matinee or two. Let's see we can all stay here and stare at this magical talking box or we can watch Viven Leigh use her feminine whiles to lure, lie, cheat and whine her way through the Antebellum South. As she says so eloquently she, "will ALWAYS have something to EAT!" Or something like that.

I mean come on. Comparing Avatar grosses with Gone With the Wind is apples and oranges. Think of all of the things in our world that are fighting for our attention. Cable TV, DVD's, Video Games, the Internet and Bunko.

It's similar to the arguments used when comparing the 1950's Johnny Unitas-led Colts with this year's Peyton Manning version. Are you kidding me? Peyton Manning is bigger than EVERYONE on that team and he's the quarterback. Bigger, Stronger, Faster. The Lions would give Johnny Unitas a run for his money. But it's a dumb argument. Everyone knows that you can't compare success across generations there are just to many variables. And the exception that PROVES the rule? The 1970's Pittsburgh Steelers they could beat anyone at anything, including Roger Federer on Grass. Case closed.

So congrats Avatar on being the King of the World. Now please release the DVD with a 3-D version, that's just stupid.

Rooting Interest

Super Bowl Sunday is like a minute an a half away and I still don't know who to root for. What to do?

Here's the typical thought process. I love the Steelers, which means I hate, in order: The Ravens, Browns, Bengals, Raiders, Patriots, Cowboys, Broncos, Dolphins and Titans (they used to be the Oilers afterall). The last six are ranked on a sliding scale depending on the year. So when it comes to the Super Bowl, I have been really lucky over the last several years because it was easy to determine my rooting interest. You see typically the Steelers are in the Super Bowl and on the very rare occasion that they aren't  I can typically count on rooting against the Patriots, Ravens, Raiders, Broncos, Titans or Cowboys. 

This year is different, because by some weird circumstance none of the aforementioned teams made it to the big game. This year we have the wholesome Indianapolis Colts and the real America's Team, New Orleans Saints. The only fair thing to do is weigh all the issues that are the pertinent:

Most Popular Player-

Most people immediately jump on the Peyton's-such-a-good-guy bandwagon, but not me. The guy that is the easiest to root for on the Colts is...Pierre Garcon. Garcon fits the classic hero out of nowhere mold and to make him even more likeable he's from Haiti. He played inspired football in the AFC Championship Game and is gracious and humble.

For the Saints you have to take Drew Brees. Brees has all of the intangibles that made Doug Flutie popular with the added bonus of being well liked by his teammates. This guy is a hard working over achiever in a 6-foot softball player's body. He used to beat Andy Roddick in tennis, back in the day, and has quietly helped nurse New Orleans back from Katrina. Watch his pregame chant with the team and you will want to run through a wall for him.

I know it might seem unfair but I'm an under achieving 6-footer in a bowlers body so I'll take Brees. Saints 1-0

Most Annoying Player-

When he was with the Giants the answer would've been Jeremy Shockey in a walk. But since he moved to New Orleans he has been hampered with injuries. His health coupled with getting away from the New York Media, the big jerks, Shockey has appeared humbled and much less annoying.

So for me, the most annoying player on the Saints is...Reggie Bush. This guy was made out to be the next of O.J. Simpson. The speed, the explosiveness, the suddenness. The national media told us he had it all, he was the complete package. But in his four years in the league he has accumulated just UNDER 2,000 rushing yards. In four YEARS. T-O-T-A-L. So unless he starts killing people, Bush doesn't share any attributes with the Juice. In fact, everything about Reggie Bush is overrated...including his girlfriend, Kim Kardashian. Wait a second...Kardashian...how about that, there is an O.J. connection afterall.

Perhaps the most annoying thing about the Colts is that they don't have enough personality to BE annoying. Peyton's kind of annoying, I guess, you know with all of the hand jestures. He approaches the line of scrimmage like he's got flag duty on the tarmac of O'Hare. Ok, I don't really find him that annoying I just wanted to work "tarmac" into the blog so I could win a bet from a buddy of mine.

So, anyway, most annoying Colt. I'm going with Jim Irsay. His family was ultimately responsible for moving the team out of Baltimore, I hate the Ravens, the Baltimore Ravens wouldn't exist if not for Irsay, ergo through the Law of Syllogism I hate Irsay.

The Colts complete lack of interesting characters makes this another win for the Saints. Saints 2-0

Home Town/City

Let's see Nola versus Indianapolis. Hmmm. How do I decide on which city to root for. It's so hard. I mean how do you determine which city is more interesting and rootable?

New Orleans is known for its music, cuisine and ambiance while Indianapolis is famous for...uh...hrum...ah...being located in the middle of Indiana? No, that's not fair. Let's investigate a little further. I'll just open another tab here and use, the always reliable and incredibly accurate, Wiki-pedia. And search for Indianapolis, Indiana. This should give me everything I could ever hope to- What d'ya mean no results?
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There were no results matching the query. Indianapolis, Indiana doesn't exist. Nobody has ever heard of it.

Hey, wait a minute, my assistant Judy's from Indianapolis, so it must exist. Hey, Judy, get in here! This Green Tea is garbage and I thought I told you I hate things with a hint of mint. Don't give me excuses. The reason I called you in. What is THE coolest section of Indianapolis. You know somewhere that Kurt Vonnegut might have hung out, back in the day. Broad Ripple Village? You've got to be. Oh that's a real place? Because it sounds like the bonus section on Candyland. Sorry, thanks that's actually helpful. On your way. Oh, be a dear and bring me a chilled Kambucha would you...Grape, thhhhannnnks.

Ok, now we're getting somewhere. Broad Ripple Village. Ah-ha, says here that the motto there is "We're Open If You Are." That's promising...or really, really creepy. I mean, open to what? Maybe Indianapolis really does, as the kids say, have it going on. Well at least there's parking. Here's a picture of the hottest spot in Indianapolis.

Let's compare that to, oh I don't know, say the French Quarter. You know what? I don't think the French Quarter even HAS a motto. Which is totally lame. Now I've never been to New Orleans, but I'll bet that Mardi Gras thing is as overrated as Reggie Bush. Let's see here's a picture of a New Orleans hot spot...

Saints 3-0


Famous People


New Orleans has, grouped by category- writers: Truman Capote, William Faulkner, Elmore Leonard, Anne Rice and Tennessee Williams; musicians: Louis Armstrong, Lee Collins, Harry Connick Jr., The Marsalis Family, The Neville Brothers, Trent Reznor, Fats Domino, and Louis Prima; and finally Fat Loss guru Richard Simmons.


Indianapolis has, in order of importance- Kurt Vonnegut, David Letterman, Raggedy Ann, Dan Quayle, inventor of the sleeper-old Johnny Weaver and Vivica A. Fox.


It's a close one but, Saints 4-0


Miscellaneous

Nobody has been the architect to more Super Bowl losers than the Colts Team President Bill Polian

If the Saints win we'll get to enjoy Tom Benson dancing under his Umbrella, ella, ella.

Drew Brees is about three years away from losing all of his hair, and you know the old saying...Always root for the bald guy.

The Colts wussed out when they were staring an undefeated season in the face. The football gods don't typically like that sort of thing. 

Everybody is picking the Colts but hedging their bets by saying that they'd, "Really like to see the Saints win." Bull$#!+

Not me. I'm going all-in with the Saints. 

New Orleans 34 Indianapolis 28

We Are The World

We Are The World...is a TERRIBLE song. It doesn't make me a bad person, it just shows that I have a good ear for music. 

Look, I don't care that they are remaking that piece of deuce, especially because ever nickel it makes will be directed toward the much needed relief help in Haiti. A 7.0 earthquake in a country that was already in desperate need of help just seems to be cosmically unfair. It looked like Armageddon when Los Angeles had one in 1994, and that city was literally built to survive such natural disasters. But let's get back to the song.

I have no problem with We Are The World as a concept, just as long as everyone and I mean everyone associated with it raises one million dollars. Period. I don't care how the money gets raised but every single person needs to be responsible for one million dollars. [editor's note- I am lifting this idea directly from Rosie O'Donnell who, in a radio interview with Howard Stern, talked about refusing to do the September 11th fund drive without a million dollar commitment from all of the A-Listers involved. Bravo Rosie] This means everyone needs to be staked to one million dollars. From the warbling soloists that wouldn't know where to find Haiti if they narrowed it down to the Island, to the sound mixers. You want in on the record? Write a check. No discussions. 

But Trip, that seems unfair, those pitchy Whitney Houston-Bodyguard-Era wannabes have so much money and the lighting guy makes scale. And I always loved the Cyndi Lauper, Willie Nelson, Huey Lewis and the Snooze's epic song of peace and support. You are a cold heartless, bitter and surprisingly cynical person, and will never again read your blog. 

Ok, let me take this one at a time. First of all the song is terrible. It just is. There are all kinds of sing-a-longs that have worked in the past and this just isn't one of them. All You Need Is Love, anyone? Secondly, I am not suggesting that the union guys that donate their time should have to take out a second mortgage to make this thing happen, but I am saying the the "Haves" should make up the difference. Let me put it this way if 100 people are responsible for singing, mixing, writing and recording the song, then 100 million dollars should be donated to the cause. And that doesn't include the record sales. I mean before a note is warbled, before Jamie Foxx sings anything, there NEEDS to be 100 million dollars on the way to Haiti. 

And don't tell me that you give quietly, people NEED to know. Be the leaders that our kids think you are.

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.

I'm just Spiffballing here, but what if we try to hit their QB?

Greg Williams comments on that college radio program last week- What? Oh, really? You mean those guys giggling like school girls after one of the oldest cliched responses in football were "professionals". You're telling me they get paid for that? O-Kay.

Anyway, Greg Williams, Defensive Coordinator for the New Orleans Saints, used the always effective "cut off the head and the body will follow" standard response to an asinine question that was essentially, "Tell us what your gameplan is for the Super Bowl." Williams answered and followed it up with three or four accolades about Peyton Manning and the Colts offense. The only mildly incendiary comment came at the very end of the response when he said that his guys would need to put in a few "remember me" shots on the rare occasion that his team made it to the Quarterback.  

Was Greg Williams being disrespectful of Manning and the Colts? No, quite the contrary, he was actually lauding the future Hall of Famer and his ability to get rid of the ball long before a pass rush could ever get to him. So why all the hub bub over these comments. There must be something sinister at work here or ESPN wouldn't be making such a big deal out of them, right?

Perhaps everyone is making a big deal out of his comments because Peyton is concerned for his safety on the field? No that's totally moronic, Peyton Manning has had a bullseye on his chest, back and head since the day after the Colts picked him ahead of Ryan Leaf. And the fact of the matter is he almost never takes a hard shot. 

So that's not it. Let's see...hurmmm...I've got it the idea that when you hit the QB the whole team feels it is so revolutionary that every other team in the league just might institute a similar approach when they are putting a game plan together. 

That's it! Hit the Quarterback...hard. Pheew, I was beginning to think that this was just getting extra attention because of the Super Bowl. Well that and the suggestion that maybe, perhaps, the other team might want to take the NFL's prize pig out of the game. Boy, do I feel stupid. These comments really ARE a big deal.

Sorry everybody, nothing to see here, I was waaaay off base. This whole thing was over the idea that the other teams Quartarback must go down, oh, and he must go down hard...you know, so that the going down part is truly effective. Huh, that's weird...I just got the strangest flash of Deja Vu? Probably nothing.

[editor's note- Because these comments were made publicly about the aforementioned Cash Cow we are likely to see extra attention given to late hits and roughing the passer penalties. This sucks and I hope that I'm wrong but I would set the over/under for those penalties at three and a half.  Even the oft concussed Troy Aikman feels that the refs call too many penalties in the name of QB protection.]

Anyway, now that we have solved that little controversy the NFL can get back to the really important issues of the day. Like making sure that no one from New Orleans benefits from that "Who Dat?" slogan, because that's getting out of hand.